Hi everyone, I have been seeing the sweetest guy I know from the last 5 weeks. From the second date onwards he slept at my place but we decided not to have sex too soon and to try get to know each other more. We have been having a great time on dates and spending overnights at each other’s places. We are truly compatible and get on great.
So last time he spent the night we felt it was the right time to take this connection to the next level.
It started great, first I was on top and it was good but then he started getting soft and couldn’t maintain his erection. We tried switching positions and then I tried giving him a hand job but nothing worked. So we stopped!
However I made sure to tell him that it’s not a big deal to me and we can try later on or the next day. He was clearly very embarrassed. And then we talked about other things and cuddled all night. The next day we spent the whole day together but I felt that he didn’t want to try sex again. I initiated kissing him but he always stopped. But our conversations were normal and everything else was good and we made plans to see each other again. He has been in 2 relationships before so it’s not that he’s not experienced.
What can I do or say to make him feel more comfortable? I really like him and find him irresistibly hot and I know he feels the same about me. I don’t want him to feel embarrassed about what happened. Please help!
16 comments
Sadly this is a man thing. Whenever we can’t “perform” it’s a massive blow to our ego because.. well it’s complicated and misogyny is involved and yadda yadda yadda.
Give him some time. Don’t try and push for sex again until he’s comfortable to give it another go. It’s gonna be spontaneous.
Limp dick when it’s your first time with someone is the absolute worst. It has happened to me. I wanted to disappear so bad. You did the right thing by telling him it’s no big deal, but there’s really nothing else you can do. Continue to make him feel wanted but you also can’t pressure him. He’s got to be ready to try again.
Someone can say she should just get over it and not be a big baby about it. And sure, he could. But he could get over it and feel great and go limp again. Sometimes there is no explanation for it.
But, sometimes there is. He may have masturbated before meeting you to ensure he didnt come too fast at it spectacularly backfired. If you ask him if he did that he’ll probably deny it but that might have something to do with it. At 25 he’s getting past the “can’t keep it down” phase and may need to adopt a new pre-gonna-get-laid-tonight routine.
You can’t make him feel less embarrassed—he has to work through his feelings in his own time.
What you CAN do is to keep making it clear how much you like him and how attracted you are to him. These things will help it get through to his brain that he didn’t fuck up irreparably and that you haven’t changed how you feel about him.
Bottom line is that this happens to all guys at some point and it’s not their fault. Anything from stress to anxiety to fatigue to just getting to in his own head about “being good” could have caused this. Could also be things like dehydration or medication. Literally anything can cause the occasional failed erection. But it feels like the end of the world to the guy and he’s likely beating himself up pretty badly over what he likely views as a failure.
As long as you keep acting the same he’ll eventually get up the nerve to try again—but it’ll be in the back of his mind “oh no what if it happens again” and that can cause it to happen again so be as encouraging and understanding as possible when you two try again. He’s also probably trying really hard to be “good” at sex because you’re older and he thinks you’re expecting him to be awesome—that kind of pressure alone can deflate a boner. The more confident he feels about himself in general the less that kind of pressure will weigh on his dick.
Best thing you can do is wait. He probably got nervous in the moment and needs time to recover.
Nothing you or he did wrong at all. In all honesty, I’d probably feel very similar to him. I think the best thing you can possibly do is be supportive, act as if it’s ok and not a big deal – happens to the best of us – and let him build his ego back up because that’s a GIANT ego killer for most men. I’m sure he’s incredibly embarrassed and humiliated. I suggest waiting a while, let him get comfortable again, and let him initiate. If you have the patience anyways 🙂
This isn’t out of the norm. Depending on his past or his experience level, it’s likely just nerves. Trust me, he wants it as bad, if not more, than you do. Don’t pressure him or make it a big deal. You’re doing the right thing by just being supportive and being nice about it. Keep having fun together and everything will work itself out.
Honestly I think you’re great for not bashing him and understanding . Honestly I think you should ask him for his turns ons something to get that blood pumping. You might find a trick to bring it up . Did he had a condom on ? It makes a big difference.
Foreplay and alcohol. And probably do more things to turn him on when he’s on top, cause obviously he’s insecure and not comfortable to be continually turned on.
I had this happen to me just recently. He was nervous about performance and rubbed out before this moment you guys shared. He couldn’t get hard. Honestly he did this to try and give you the best time he could so I wouldn’t think too much about it.
As others have said, chances are, he jerked off before the date, maybe even a couple of times. He’s definitely embarrassed about it.
Secondly, handjobs ? SMH ! You aren’t teenagers. If he’s bf material, then oral. Very few guys will stay soft for long with a woman giving them enthusiastic head.
Lastly, guys are very visual. Wear a pair of black thigh highs with something lacy & see through to bed. Ask him to kiss you while he watches you touch yourself. Something will pop up sooner or later.
Good luck & May the odds be ever in your favor
In girl on top position you can bend his dick if you’re at the wrong angle even though it feels really good for the girl it makes the erection go away. He also could have been masturbating before seeing you in hopes to prevent premature ejaculation which can make it harder to maintain an erection and once it happens it can make it hard to get erect again. Could be a combination
It may be that he has a mental block. The mind is a powerful thing… if for some reason he has a block, I’m that may be what caused his issue.
After my first wife died and I was dating my future second wife, there was a mental block I had to overcome in the boiler room for everything to work properly. It was like I was willing, my partner was willing but it just wasn’t happening and I’m screaming internally “WTF!! Come on!!! Let’s go!” And nothing.
An understanding partner, no pressure, and things resolved themselves.
My bf definitely had limp dick on our very first time together too. Not even sex. I think I was just trying to give him a hand job hahaha. It was honestly sweet. He was just soooo nervous, and hadn’t been sexual in a while. I’m sure it’s the same sort of situation.
Flash forward to two years later, and he’s the best sex I’ve ever had. 🙂
That age gap is bit extreme
This has happened to me with my current partner many times. It’s never less embarrassing and always makes me feel like less of a man. It usually happens when I start over thinking my performance, I end up going down a rabbit hole convincing myself I’m not doing a good enough job.
You told a 25 year old dude to go slow. LOL