Basically the title. I go on dates and eventually the guy wants to get serious very quickly and I back out. In a few of these cases I’ve been asked to be the gf pretty early on, or guys just ask to take me on vacation out of nowhere. Then I freak out and end up leaving. Eventually I do end up liking someone but then I go crazy and then they leave me.
I’m scared because I think I’m turning into my mom every time I find someone I actually do like back. I get mean, I act a bit entitled, I expect too much, all while doing too much by cooking for them, getting them a small gift, etc… so I basically get clingy and mean, then they leave. But with the other guys, I stay true to myself and I like that version of me way more: relaxed, stable, and happy. But I act chill around them because I don’t quite like them back as much.
How do I prevent this from happening in the future? How do I stop freaking out and putting someone on the pedestal when I realize I do like them back? I think I put them on the pedestal out of fear of losing them, and then inevitably I lose them.
ETA: I can’t afford therapy at the moment but appreciate all the suggestions to get it. I will get therapy when I can afford it.
3 comments
Two suggestions for what they’re worth that may help both issues:
1. journalling, maybe that’ll help you catch yourself drifting back into your really bad habits (feeling entitled, getting clingy and mean) in time to stop yourself, and,
2. I think part of it’s that you’ve some anxiety that drives you to behave this way. If that’s so, this ought to help:
**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.
I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you work through this.
Find a guy who accepts your crazy side too because he will see it eventually. May as well let him see it in the beginning before you get too attached