F(30s) with M(30s) partner, we’ve been together 3+ years now and live together. He’s still game for sex or sexual activities daily, whereas I could go months and months without it and not care. He’s clearly unhappy but I’m not about to force myself to have sex when it’s boring and uncomfortable and just a giant waste of my time.
When we were first together sex was often and exciting, especially since I’d left a sexless relationship early that year. Now my partner will literally offer to perform oral on me, and I always say no. I have zero thrill or tingle from it. I engage in sexual activities with him just often enough to keep things from completely falling apart.
A part of me wants to tell him to just go out and find a 2nd woman solely for sex, so he could just leave me alone in the arena. Am I being ignorant of the fact that this relationship is basically over if we aren’t having sex regularly? Should I just be nice and leave the man so he can find satisfaction?
I’ve never been in a relationship where I’m actually with a person who wants to have regular sex with me. It’s either been a sexless horrorshow or a long distance thing. Maybe I just don’t like sex that much??? Ugh.
13 comments
I could copy and paste this post and every little bit of it would be true to how I (m32) feel. I declare that nothing is wrong with you or him, and your feelings are completely justified.
Maybe you need a sex therapist
When our sex life isn’t what we want we tend to think of it as “everything is great, except the sex”…but the harsh truth is that usually there’s other issues in the relationship and the sex life is suffering as a result of those other problems.
It may be worth taking time to really examine what emotions are coming up for you when he initiates sex.
For me, I also went through a period with my ex husband where I thought I must have a super low sex drive. However, the reality was that I have a very high sex drive, I was just constantly feeling negatively towards him because he wasn’t a helpful partner – I was financially supporting him while he was in school, he didn’t help with chores, he wasn’t emotionally supportive. I didn’t feel loved by him so therefore I lost interest in sex with him, but that was too scary to admit to myself so instead my brain decided it must be my fault and my sex drive that was the only problem. It took a long time for me to admit the truth, once that happened we tried to work on things, but it was too little too late so we got divorced.
If you feel that there really are no other issues, it may be worth doing some research into different types of desire/arousal. It may be that the way he initiates isn’t compatible with the way you experience desire/arousal.
We all have long life expediencies these days. For you, longer for you than you have already been alive. I don’t think you want to live like this for that long. I would suggest either come up with a plan to get things on track with your guy. Or look at an exit plan you might discuss with him. I don’t know anything about your special connections with your guy, but I can tell you that when you do experience those types of connections with the right guy, sex can be bliss. In such a situation, you would definitely like sex/love sex. I am assuming you are not on birth control or other medication that could interfere with your sex drive. If so, then I would talk to the doctor about a substitute at your earliest convenience. Hope this helps.
Hard truth is that sex and happiness in the relationship are greatly correlated and they very often appear together.
Nowadays, people are always giving the maximum respect to the person who is rejecting with a consoling statement: “Don’t do it if you don’t want to. You shouldn’t be forced either by him or by yourself.” From a moral standpoint this is correct of course (otherwise it would be advocating a forced sex).
However, in reality things are much complex. By not satisfying your partner, you are actively making him unhappy and consequently, degrading your relationship. So the question is – is it truly, as you say, “a giant waste of your time”? I wouldn’t agree on that since satisfying your partner is not in any way a giant waste of someone’s time.
Quite a while ago I figured this out – in order for a relationship with a mismatched libido to work out – the person who doesn’t want it as often should find more time and effort to satisfy their partner in any way they can. It’s far far worse for the other partner to not have his basic needs satisfied than for you to get “bored” for a bit. I would personally always, almost without an exception even when I’m not in the mood, satisfy my partner.
However, that only works for couples that don’t suffer such extreme differences in libido. You seem to differ extremely. He can go everyday, and you can go without it completely as it seems. And also, it seems you actively don’t like it. I agree with some people here, either sex therapy or a breakup is almost certain. And as for finding someone else for him to have sex with… Yeah that’s not going to work cause sex and emotions too often come together and he’ll develop feelings eventually. Good luck!
>but I’m not about to force myself to have sex when it’s boring and uncomfortable and just a giant waste of my time.
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>His initiation definitely doesn’t do it for me, he makes a really skeezy face or just grabbing me and I wind up feeling like meat, which I’ve expressed
Yeah, doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to have sex with either.
If he doesn’t listen to your concerns around this, then I’d probably assume the problem is deeper than sex. He just doesn’t really respect you to the degree that he should. And you know it. The lack of desire to have sex with him is just a symptom of that.
A respectful partner would listen and try to change their ways.
Why is it boring, uncomfortable and a waste of time? Like describe everything you don’t like about it. That’s probably why you’re not wanting it.
He needs to break up with you. There’s nothing keeping him in that relationship.
I could copy and paste this post and every little bit of it would be true to how I (m32) feel. I declare that nothing is wrong with you or him, and your feelings are completely justified.
I think if you post this same question over in /r/LowLibidoCommunity you will get much better and understanding help. This can be a tricky topic and no surprise, people don’t know as much on it as they think they do. That subreddit however is a great place for learning more about it, understanding yourself, and deciding what you want to do.
Did you check your microwave?
If you feel like sex is just boring and comfortable and a giant waste of time maybe you can start there. Tell him it’s not that enjoyable for you and that if y’all can figure out a way to make it more enjoyable you might want it more often.
Do you masturbate? If not it might be time to start so you can get a better understanding of your body and what feels good.
I’m married and I have sex with my husband every day but only because the sex is *phenomenal* if he wasn’t making me cum til my eyes roll back in my head I’d likely not be all that up for it.
But also, you might just be asexual.
For me though, every time I’ve lost libido for a partner it’s usually because the relationship is already dead. My libido knows before I do. If you’re not happy and you’re not getting your needs met then you’re unlikely to want to get jiggy with him.
The fact that you don’t really care if he ducks someone else is probably also a good indication that you’re not *in* the relationship in the same way anymore you know? At least it would be for me.. when I’m in love I don’t want to share my man.
Jesus Christ what the hell is wrong with everyone. You’re ruining this man’s prime sex years. Do both of you a favor and leave him so he can actually explore himself with women who appreciate a man who wants to actually make love to them.