We have been together for 3 years and I proposed only two weeks ago. Yesterday out of the blue she broke down and told me that during the first covid lockdown in 2020 she cheated on me with her neighbour.
She still lived in her own apartment back then and moved in with me after the first lockdown finished. She told me she had sex with him 4 times over a 3 month period. She hasn’t spoken to him since and is extremely remorseful. She told me because she said she couldn’t marry me without telling me. I’m at a complete loss and don’t know what to do. I do believe she regrets it but can people ever really come back from this? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
TLDR: My new fiancee admitted to me that she slept with her neighbour back in 2020 during the first covid lockdown.
38 comments
Everyone is different so maybe you can get past it and rebuild trust but I know for me personally there’s not a chance that I would marry someone who cheated on me. That trust is gone forever.
It happens, but seems to be very rare. Even more so where the person who was cheated on would tell you it’s the same or better than before. Even after years where the person who cheated really goes all out to change themself and try to save the relationship. It seems universal that the “special quality” of the bond is permanently destroyed. Some people think having that ultimate trust/faith in another person is naive to begin with, but I don’t want to look at my romantic life partnership in that kind of pragmatic lens. My opinion is the only time reconciliation should be considered if there are lots of other factors that make splitting up more difficult. Like not wanting to split time with kids or avoid financial ruin at the point of retirement. You’re not married and don’t have kids? Walk away, imo.
I don’t believe you should ever take a cheater back, you aren’t in a situation where leaving is difficult . Aside from the emotional aspect, you don’t have kids and aren’t married so splitting now would be the easiest.
It’s your life to live and ultimately you decide for yourself and if you can live with this. Well then hopefully it’s turns out well.
Edit words
Did she say why exactly she cheated? I mean she willingly slept with him 4 times, at least from what she’s said. Who knows hoe long they were flirting that finally lead up tho cheating. Don’t marry someone like her, she knew what she was doing was wrong and continued to do it. It only stopped because she moved, and her excuse for confessing is selfish. So instead of telling you the first time it happened right away and never doing it again, she kept it to herself. She isn’t remorseful, she’s selfish and only told you to clear her own conscience.
>is extremely remorseful.
Nah man this was 2 years ago dude. She had 2 years to say something but she didnt. Shes been sleeping next to you looking in your eyes telling you she loves you and yet this whole time shes hid the fact she cheated on you 4 times with the same guy. She wasnt remorseful when she moved in with you and I highly doubt she actually is now. Good luck to you OP I hope you do whats right for you
Someone who cheated on you once will again, eventually. They learned that they can get away with it.
Leave and never look back, king.
Now is the best time to leave.
Retract your proposal and detangle your lives why now does she suddenly love you more and respect you more because you proposed. That would mean she felt less of those things for the last two years then while lying to your face. Run there is no good reason why she told you now
Cheating is never okay.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think that trust will ever be repaired.
(Also, once a cheater, always a cheater.)
It wasn’t a drunken thing one night, it was 4 times over three months…and that’s if you actually buy the number and length of time.
So let’s say you get married: the first time that things get tough or you have a really busy month at work is this the person that you can rely on?
At least she told you now before you have a couple of kids.
I’m guessing either the other guy or one of her girlfriends found out she had just gotten engaged and was going to tell you if she didn’t. Check out /r/survivinginfidelity for more support. Also get tested because if she wasn’t going out to see you during the lockdown she likely didn’t go out to get condoms either while fucking this dude.
When you do something four times over three months it’s ridiculous to say you’re remorseful
Dude… 4 times? Nah… leave and never look back.
Biggest mistake of your life would be to marry this woman.
Get your ring back and kick her out.
She couldn’t marry you without telling you, but she had no problem lying to you, moving in with you, and potentially exposing you to stds in the process. These are her morals.
Is this the type of person you want to marry? Hopefully, you guys can live somewhere that doesn’t have any neighbors. Seems like proximity to dick is much more powerful for her than any relationship qualities she gets from you.
FOUR TIMES my guy. Just gtfo that relationship dude bc one of those was prob anal as well
She was so remorseful after the first time, she did it 3 more times?
That is not remorse.
Blind trust, pure love and complete respect.
Those 3 things are forever gone and you will never have them back, you can talk to all the people that reconciled and they will all tell you the same, they live with it, they live knowing their relationship will never have those anymore.
You might have 90% trust but you will never fully know if she won’t do it again, you might feel really in love with her but it will be tainted because she was with someone else while she was supposed to “love” you back, and you might respect her but you will never forget what she did to you by betraying you, lying, taking your right to choose, exposing you to potential STD.
I’m telling you these so you don’t try reconciliation without knowing what it is, it’s your life you need to think about it.
If you can live with it, want to reconcile and if she is willing to work on it then maybe reconciliation is worth a shot but if not just leave.
Just put an end to it as fast and painlessly as you can but don’t drag this out if you know it’s over.
and please if after all this you decide to get married then get a prenup.
This person should not be your finance. Set your bar higher.
Are you kidding me? Yes some people can come back I certainly can’t.
Only told you because you were getting close to married. That’s a piece of shit partner only thing worse would be not telling you at all or after you were married. Cheating is horrible enough not immediately coming clean to see if repair could happen is EVEN WORSE. those people basically string along their partners hoping “we’ll it’s been a good x years since! When they find out they’ll be more forgiving”
Duck that. For me, that means that person wasted years of my life having me in a relationship I probably wouldn’t choose to be in if I knew the truth. also, what if your fiancé gave you an STD? Even if she didn’t she still put you at risk of it. How selfish is that? While yes some people can forgive and repair despite cheating occurring. I truly feel life is too short to spend it with someone that has cheated. I would much rather build a forever relationship with someone that hasn’t committed the biggest relationship betrayal. I would rather build it with somebody I can trust. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust and after someone cheats it’s very hard to rebuild that trust.
Cheaters are scum bags OP. They’re selfish and have a complete disregard for their partner and relationship.
I truly hope you find your happiness and do what best works for your life. I can just tell you that despite my partner and I having multiple pets, a house, and just shy of a decade together any infidelity on either of our sides would 100% lead to a break up. We love and value ourselves too much to allow the other to treat us like garbage.
I’m sending that if you came her thinking people will say forgive her and move on. Well I don’t think you are going to get it here. Sorry but yeah I’m going with everyone else here. No excuse to cheat.
I feel like it would be one thing if it happened once and she informed you almost immediately (and even then you would still be justified in leaving her) but it happened 4 separate times and she waited 2 years/until you were engaged to tell you. She might be genuinely remorseful, but this would be too much for me. I would break it off.
This wasn’t a one time thing. She did it at least 4 times that she’s willing to admit to. With as much as she’s already lied who knows if it was only 4.
I don’t know how you have the courage to even ask. Cheaters deserve nothing
Ask for the ring and your life back
Her “honesty” rings hollow 2 years later. 2 years of lying by omission without batting an eyelash. She has shown you she has these capabilities. They don’t go away. I’d take a hard pass on the marriage. The next time this happens you could be married with a couple of kids. Then it becomes very painful. It’s not a matter of if it happens again but when.
4 times? I’m sorry, no coming back from that.
So what’s going to happen the next time you too are forced to be apart?
Do you have any good looking neighbors?
Not worth the mental gymnastics…
If you can stomach it then so be it but this is hard. You probably can’t look at her the same then there’s trust issues and can’t forget the paranoia. Questioning everything she says she threw all that out the window. She didn’t do it once it was four times. If she cared she A wouldn’t have done it at all and B would’ve have told two years ago. She maybe thought you guys wouldn’t last. But now that you wish to marry her the guilt is even more heavy on her. Honestly OP I would say leave her. There’s no judgment here from me i just want guys to be happy and with women who really appreciate them.
She’s not sorry, she’s telling you after 2yrs, if I was you I would end this engagement, she lied and cheated on you and betrayed your trust. I promise you there’s a better woman out there who would never do what your cheating fiance did, you can find a woman that is loyal, and respects you and the relationship unlike your fiance. Don’t make the mistake of marrying her because she’s bound to cheat again, you will regret it that’s for sure, don’t marry her, she’s not worth it and it’ll be a waste of time and money
4 times only?? Bullshit. Don’t believe that half-assed garbage. She wants to wipe her guilt but still have a chance to keep you.
She’s trash. LEAVE HER ASS.
Make sure you get that ring back…
Yeah… people don’t just cheat on accident or anything. You can’t claim to love someone and cheat. She is a crap person and I’m so sorry this happened. 🙁
Personally, I would never stay with a cheater. They rarely ever stop cheating. They just get better at hiding it
Please for the love of god just separate. Tired of seeing doormats stay and 5 years later after having kids they post that they’re depressed.
At the very least pause the engagement. Figure out how you feel. Then decide what you want to do.
It would be over for me, but maybe you can get past it.
She had a 3 month affair while dating you. Then kept it a secret for 2 years.
Yeah, I’d be done here.
Leave now, while you can.
I’ve experienced something very similar to you OP.
Let’s say that my ex-gf had some ‘difficulties’ distancing herself from her ex and ended up cheating at the start of our relationship, which I also found out by accident right before proposing.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. A lot.
No matter how long ago the cheating might have been for her, for you it is a very recent wound.
But anyway, since she became a very invested, dedicated and loving partner (no one would have dared say otherwise back then), I assumed she made a mistake and probably regretted it.
So I decided to propose and give her a chance to set things right by starting off with a clean slate.
All she had to do, was open up and confess. That’s all.
Of course deep down I was upset, but I also knew I had yet enough love remaining in order to forgive her and move on with our lives together…
But the thing is: She never confessed nor admitted.
And god knows I gave her ample time, safe space and opportunities to do so!!
And that’s what destroyed me inside.
More than the cheating itself.
I’d wish she had the same decency as your gf before accepting something so important, even more considering yours could’ve “gotten away” with it if she kept quiet.
I can at the very least respect that.
Moral of the story:
I still consider cheating to be extremely bad of course, and I wouldn’t consider staying with anyone who cheated on me nowadays. You would be entirely justified to call it off and leave if you wish to do so.
But I won’t judge you if you are still in love and feel you want to give it a try. You can always put everything on hold for now, while you heal and she builds that trust back with time.
As for my ex, she eventually opened up once I already had more than enough and was leaving her.
Too little, too late.
Unfortunately for her, my love, patience and respect were completely depleted at that point…
She still regrets it.