I (M32) have only been on 4 dates with (F28) but things are moving fast. We have an amazing connection and have already slept together. On our last date she told me a little bit about a medical issue she has. The details I understood were: when she was 19 she had heavy bleeding for weeks and had to get emergency surgery on her uterus. After that she didn’t have a period for 7 years (unclear if she gets them now). And she’s going for a biopsy soon that has a 50/50 chance of telling if the issue is fixed. That’s all I could really gather.
I can easily fall in love with this girl, but I also really want kids and that could be a dealbreaker. When/how can I ask for more clarity about this and if it affects fertility?
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If she told you that much info, then she sounds forthcoming. Just ask her.
I’d bring it up now. Like,
*I really appreciate you feeling safe enough to share about your medical issue with me. I can’t imagine what you’ve had to endure as a result of that. In the spirit of honesty and transparency, I really like you and I can easily see a future with you if things continue on this trajectory. Some things are weighing on me though that maybe you can help me unpack.*
*I really want to be a father. I can’t see myself not having biological children with the woman I choose to spend my life with. I know I’m projecting quite far ahead with this question, but do you know if your medical issue will impact your ability to conceive or carry a child? I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive. I just want to open up the conversation now rather than later on because I respect you so highly.*
Just wanted to point out that she could have no known issues and still have unexplained infertility and you could also have fertility issues and/or unexplained infertility yourself. You really can’t know for sure in most cases until you start trying for kids. Even if you two have trouble conceiving, there are medical treatments. I don’t take them lightly (going through IVF myself) I’m just saying…seems like an odd deal breaker if you really like her. You could get together with a woman with no known issues and still find out down the line. You could also get together with someone who needs help to conceive but responds very well to treatment and gets pregnant quickly with meds, IUI or IVF. I’ve seen it all!
I think it’s okay to ask for more details but don’t push it. It’s a sensitive subject. Also know that we rarely ever get definitive information about fertility. When I lost my ovary the doctor’s couldn’t predict my ability to conceive or not and said lots of women get pregnant without one. She can be told she’s fine and still have trouble. She could also become infertile later–as I did by having my remaining fallopian tube blown out by an ectopic pregnancy. Some women can also conceive just fine but have RPL (repeated pregnancy loss). Tread lightly on expecting her on anyone to be able to “promise” their ability to conceiv or give you bio kids. It’s a very complex issue that we’re still learning about.
I would also have your sperm checked so you are able to provide info about your own fertility if you’re going to be asking women about theirs. At your age, sperm issues aren’t out of the realm of possibility.
What I would do is open a discussion and ask yourself how you feel about fertility treatment including IVF and alternative family building such as adoption. The reason is because like I mentioned, things could be fine now but can change by the time you’re actually trying. Her answer to this question is only one small part of the picture.
This is why I’m upfront about it in the first couple dates. It’s often a deal breaker.
Kids can be fostered, adopted, surrogated or many other things. If she is the ONE, don’t let fertility challenges stop you.
Chances are she is grieving the potential loss of her own fertility, too.
Source: 38f who can’t have kids.
Ask sooner rather than later
I’d have an open and honest conversation with her. Just remember there are other ways to have children, i.e adoption. If you really like her, you could make this work.
There are two things about infertility. 1. You usually don’t know until you are trying. 2. Usually it is both people have small issues that make it harder to have kids. Both applied to myself and my husband. We tried for years. Did a few rounds of IVF. Ended up adopting an amazing baby boy. I have the child I was meant to have. As do all other parents. If you are going to open this can of worms I would suggest getting fertility testing done on yourself first so you can confirm if you may or may not have issues as well. It seems less confrontation and or blamey that way. Most insurance will cover the initial fertility testing.
Definitely sooner than later. As someone who can’t have kids, I would not want to get attached to a man who isn’t open to adoption/surrogates/no kids.
The easiest and kindest thing to do here is just to casually ask her if she wants kids without bringing up her past medical issues (you don’t mention knowing whether or not she even *wants* kids at this point, nevermind if she can have them or not; you need to figure that out first). If she says yes, then you can ask her if her past medical issue/surgery affects that at all. Keep the conversation light; you’re just getting to know more about her.
And do not under any circumstance start telling her you might potentially want to have kids with her in the future after only being on four dates; that runs a high risk of scaring her off, regardless of whether she can have kids or not.
Wait until the topic comes up naturally again. You said she is having a biopsy soon, so that would be a good time to talk about it.
If a guy I had been on 4 dates with started asking me about my fertility out of nowhere I would be very turned off. I’m a person, not a baby making machine.