Many thoughts of breaking up with my (F20) wonderful boyfriend (M22), but also having doubts about it–how do you know when it’s the right decision vs. just your mind pushing you to act on a whim?

This might be long so bear with me. I really need advice, any. I’m so lost on what to do.

**TL;DR My boyfriend and I are in a rough patch. Idk if we are compatible, our conversations aren’t fulfilling and it isn’t up to my expectations. We love each other so much though so I’m not sure what to do… I dont know if its just me being depressed or my true feelings. He did something that changed a lot (made me feel shitty for refusing to give head) and since then sex just feels mechanical and less enjoyable. I’m afraid it’ll be like this forever. We disagree on kids and our future and certain values (cleanliness, life goals)**

My boyfriend and I have been together since March, almost 6 months. We met on Bumble for a hookup but decided to take things further and just date. One major thing that happened that I’ve been starting to think about more in depth is the fact that when he asked to officially date me, he told me he loved me. And this was the first few times we had seen each other. I’m his first girlfriend, so I chalked it up to the fact that maybe he doesn’t know better and gets most of his ideals from media (as do I, which I’m trying to change). I was shocked by that, but I really wanted to have a boyfriend so I ignored the concern. Things were great for the most part, we went out a lot and generally enjoyed each other company. When we did have disagreements, he’d always say he wish I was the same person I was when he met me. I told him that, we didn’t really know each other in March/April so that’s really not a fair comparison considering the point of dating is to get to know someone, hence you never really know them deep down. Idk if that makes sense. I’m in university and he works full time, since he graduated high school.

Recently I’ve been having doubts about my relationship, like a lot. I keep wondering if the reason I rushed into a relationship was because I wanted to finally have a real boyfriend (I never really had a boyfriend prior either, except the guy I dated in 2020 for a month who cheated on+ghosted me) and I didn’t put any mental emphasis on the fact that dating someone is to see if you are compatible, not to immediately agree that you want to be with this person in the long run. I enjoyed the company, the going out almost every weekend, and generally not being lonely. Being able to have someone to share my thoughts and highs/lows with and feeling validated. I don’t have that many friends so it felt nice to have someone consistent in my life. Still, I keep getting a concern that we aren’t really compatible at all.

First, which is the main concern, is that our conversations aren’t fulfilling and engaging to me at all. They’re really flat and dry and I’ve told him this many times, that I feel like our conversations aren’t really fulfilling to me. He said he has a hard time coming up with things to say, which I empathize with because I also deal with this (was extremely awkward growing up, still am, but I’ve gotten better at conversations so there’s a disconnect). He keeps saying he will try better and try to improve. I feel like this major disconnect ruins a lot of our relationship, I feel there is a lack of emotional connection (although I do truly love him). When we went out to dinner for his birthday, he couldn’t think of anything to say so for a majority of it we were simply sitting in quiet. I kept trying to make conversation and he would try to engage but he didn’t really know how to bring up topics himself. I really do feel for him because I was like this too. I really did struggle talking to people and I know how hard it is so I don’t want it to seem like I think he’s like inadequate or something. He lives at home (which I don’t like look down on…I wish I could still live at home until I graduate but my family is extremely toxic/abusive) and has to rely on his mom to tell him to clean his room. His car used to always be messy and I’d see like week old food wrappers in his car. I told him how much it concerned me and he eventually cleaned his room/car and decided to be more proactive abt that which I felt bad about…cus I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to change him.

A few weeks ago, I kept having passing thoughts that he maybe was cheating on me, and even though I was scared of that, the inside of me was kind of relieved if that was a real. I thought, if he’s cheating then that’s a way out. My friend told me she also experienced this, and she ended up breaking up with that being a sign that she was ready to. Another thing is I’m having the worst internal struggle deciding whether these concerns are my true feelings, or whether it’s merely my depressive mind clouding my thoughts. I’m deathly afraid of making the wrong decision and ending up regretting that decision. I’m afraid my future relationships will never amount to the love we have for each other(not that I want another one soon if we *did* break up). I’m afraid I’ll never find a man who loves me as much as he does, or ever find a man who treats me with so much kindness and reassurance.

When I think of going out with him, I briefly get excited, but sometimes I don’t want to. I wonder if this is my depression and lack of interest causing me to lose interest in him, or if it’s truly how I feel about our relationship. Like how do I know what the right decision is? I read to never make big decisions under depression but I’m currently on a waiting list for therapy so it’s not like I can just fix that issue, outside of my own personal efforts to improve my mood. My friends have told me that maybe he doesn’t have many things he wants in life/is passionate about and it’s kind of true. He loves the gym and that’s pretty much it. I try to talk about that with him but he just explains it and doesn’t really continue the conversation, I always have to pry more info out of him and it gets tiring sometimes.

But I do love him 🙁 I keep saying this because I feel like I’m going back and forth so much. I love him so much, I love his support and I love our time together but Idk if we’re compatible or ever will be. We also kind of disagree on kids. I know we’re pretty young to be thinking of this, but I think long term because I want to make sure its the right choice. I want to have a child one day in the future and he’s unsure, leaning towards no. I told him how can our relationship work if, say, in 10 years we completely disagree on wanting kids and it drives us apart. Everything we built would’ve been a waste and the hurt would be even worse because of the even more years we’d have together by then. How do you even navigate that? The issue of children…like I know we’re so young but I really need reassurance for my future. I don’t want to end up regretting my 20s because he ends up not wanting kids.

Something happened last week that made me feel a little worse about our relationship. He asked me to give him head before we had sex (it was our second time doing it that night) but I told him I was really tired. I had done it 30 minutes earlier but I felt tired to get up and do that. He got annoyed and said that he would leave my apartment. He then cried about it (not a lot, just tears streaming down his face) all because I didn’t give him head 🙁 . I felt bad but I also felt like he didn’t care about what I wanted in that moment. I never make a fuss, ever, about not receiving oral from him. I never really expected it and for a while he never did that but recently he has. He said he thought that since he gave me head its only “natural” that I do the same. I told him that he doesn’t have to feel compelled to give me head ever, that he only has to do it if he wants to but he kept saying it’s only natural for me to give it back (even though I *always* give him head, and I’ve never really declined it except that one time). The other time I told him I couldn’t give head was because his penis smelled really bad, fishy almost. I told him nicely and he said he would clean it before sex (he says he cleans it well, pulls it back and everything so idk what’s up with that). So we did it after he cleaned it. Anyways yesterday he came over and sex just felt so off. It felt robotic and mechanical, I didn’t enjoy it at all. Idk if it was my depression (god I sound like a broken record, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m making excuses) but it didn’t feel like all the times before. He tried to eat me out/suck my tits but it didn’t feel good. I felt almost like dirty. But we ended up finishing and just got over it. He did apologize a lot so I know it was a mistake. What if its like this forever with him??

I told him all of my concerns and even about how idk if the relationship will work, and he was really broken and crying. He told me he’d support my decision if there was no other fix but he doesn’t know how he will get over me and that everywhere will remind him of me.

I really don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if this is just a rough patch or if we truly aren’t compatible/meant to be together in the long run. But god, I don’t want to lose him. I love him so much and he loves me so much and I’m afraid that if we do end things I’ll regret it and end up even more depressed, lonely, and miserable. He loves me, and tells me so much. He loves my hair, my body, the way I talk. Everything. I feel so fucking ungrateful for wanting to leave him. Idk 🙁 I really don’t know what to do … please help.