I (25F) have been engaged with my fiancée (26M) for only a week (we’ve been together in total for 1.5 years), and am doubting whether he is the right one for marriage and starting a future family with.
While he is super lovable and patient towards me, there are a lot of traits that are seemingly red flags.
For example: He never does anything without being told to do it first. This goes for basic adult things like doing their taxes, getting their drivers license, renewing government cards. When I communicate once that they should do it, he gives me a “yeah I’ll do it later” and just keeps gaming. I’ve given up reminding him to see if he’ll actually do these things, and he hasn’t. His excuse is that he’s always lazy.
On that note: He never takes initiative or lead of anything in our relationship. I always have to be the one to provide instructions or what we should do or prepare for.
Another is how timid, nervous, and quiet he gets around my family. He’s not comfortable speaking up his needs, wants, or shows any assertiveness or confidence.
I’m getting really exhausted having to always be the voice for us, and defending him in front of others when they ask why he won’t speak up. I feel like he’s not “a man” who can protect me or our future family in the future.
What do you think, Reddit?
10 comments
Dump him
I think follow your heart. And it sounds like your heart is telling you that this guy is way too much work. You want a partner – not a man child. That’s valid.
Imagine having children with him. Sounds like you’d basically be a single mother. I wouldn’t settle for that.
If this is how bad things are now, imagine how much worse it’s going to be when you get married. Honestly, do you really want this to be your life? Do you really want to have to mother your husband?
I think he wants a mommy and not a wife.
I think you need to be in a relationship with an adult. Trust me, as someone that had to teach my ex husband how to write a check after we divorced.
Hey,
First of all, if you had any hesitations, you should’ve postponed the engagement because I’m pretty sure these feelings haven’t developed in the last week, they were there before. First and foremost, you need to have an open chat with your partner. Reiterate to him that it is serious and tell him about your concerns. If there is still no progress, then I suggest couples counseling, because a mediator can really open his eyes, some people are oblivious.
Now, these steps should be taken if YOU want to make this relationship work. You can also pause the engagement and continue to date instead of ending anything. YOU have to determine what is right for you and what type of future you want. Everything you listed is not a red flag for me, its just something he needs to work on. Red flags for me is abusive, cheater, no job/career, and untrustworthy. He can easily put effort in those concerns you raised and show you that he can overcome them.
Reddit’s default to every relationship problem is to breakup, but please be evaluate your situation. And get the advice near and dear to you.
Direct communication is the key. Good luck 🙂
It seems like he will make your life harder. Don’t fall in the trap all for the sake of “love” It’s not worth it. Your gut is usually right. Listen to it.
I don’t think the red flags you mentioned are insurmountable- I guess it depends if it’s every little thing, or more the things that come around from time to time that are not every week (like taxes and renewals). But what is a huge red flag is you not being sure after getting engaged.
My husband has a lot of the same issues you mentioned- sometimes I think he has undiagnosed ADHD. But he has plenty of positive traits that more than compensate. He’s actually really good at the day to day, but horrible at planning anything out of the norm. Knowing that, I compensate for where he’s weak. And we’re so great in so many other ways. And screw any arbitrary notion of what it means to be “a man” vs just a loving partner.
That being said, if you are doubting things, then they probably aren’t good enough to stay. In any relationship there needs to be give and take, and there need to be far more positives than negatives. If he isn’t giving enough to make up for the flaws you’ve noted, then it’s not good. And if you’ve been engaged only a week and that’s what you’re thinking about, then you should probably let him go.
GAMING!
Am I alone in seeing that as SUCH a red flag.
Probably more in guys, at least in this sub..
Gaming is what “happens” while life goes on.
What part of living is there in that? and when your partner is clearly seeing a gross imbalance.
I don’t have an issue with “gaming” literally, hobbies are healthy, (when legal), but not to the exclusion of being responsible.
Budget time so there is a balance.
How many posts here in this week alone.
“My mid thirties bf gave up work, does nothing around the house, and plays his ps5 all day, (which I gave him)”
What a dismal way to live one’s life.
OP, clearly he sees you as his mother, if that is the role you realish, then take control.
Pull the plug mid game, hand him his list of chores all written out, with a time budget for each, take away his toys, until they are done and inspected by you.
I would add, I’m worried about when/what YOU are expecting from this relationship.
Good luck though.