I am a 26M Vietnamese Australian who grew up in Australia in a lower-income area attending a public school and a child of Vietnamese immigrants. I grew up fairly isolated from family discouraging me from making friends and going out so throughout high school and early University I never hung out with friends.
I’ve since rebelled and put myself out there having gone on an exchange to Scotland and on a study tour to Estonia in University but never felt myself really immersing myself around people and genuinely feeling connected to the people around me. Often I’d find myself being the one who asks a lot of questions and shows interest but that gets really exhausting and I have since found that a lot of people just simply don’t show that same enthusiasm towards me. It definitely has worn down on me over the years and it is a lot harder to show I care to the people around me and not to mention I am generally a lot lower energy in the first place.
I liked nerdier things growing up like anime and single-player JRPG video games, and manga but I never really talked about those hobbies because no one around me liked those things growing up, not to mention my siblings are a fair bit older than me and they were the ones I kind of hung out with. I have tried a whole range of things like salsa dancing, hiking, solo travel, therapy, shrooms, and the lot but I can’t shake this sense of not-connectedness as though I was going through the motions. I seem to attract people who love to talk about themselves but do not love to get to know me on the inside. I don’t think this is healthy for me.
I WFH as an Engineer and want to find long-lasting friends I can keep around for the rest of my life and I’m finding it really difficult having gone through so much solitude, heartache, and unhealthy family dynamics and so I ask this question. How do I better show who I am to attract the people who bring me energy?
3 comments
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Wow, I could’ve written this! I totally relate with you op, hope we both find solutions
Ok so you are off to a great start with all those experiences and hobbies you’ve done which should give you good opinions to add to a conversation as well as approaching people.
I get a lot of people usually coming up to me and asking me questions about myself and sometimes I get so excited to share that I get too caught up and I forgot to ask about them. (I’ve been getting a lot better at doing this now that I’m hyper aware of this short coming). In this case what I would do and listen actively what they are talking about and try to find someway where this can help you in your real life and then let them know about this dilemma including adding info about yourself and if they can share any tips:
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Example:
You: Hey how was your weekend?
Her: I played volleyball with my friends on the weekend and then went to a country concert.
You: Wow that must have required a lot of energy to do all that in one weekend. I get super exhausted after doing my Salsa lessons. What’s your secret to keep up this energy and flexibility?
Her: You do Salsa? Wow I’m into dance too and here’s what I do to keep up….
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So basically you are slipping little tidbits about yourself but framing it in a way where it will help them relate to you and to also share you their opinions and tips which should increase connectivity.
If you find that too hard to do at the beginning then when there is a lull in the conversation just say: “Hey I do Salsa dancing on weekends”. Sure won’t be as effective as the first method but better than nothing!
Now for the elephant in the room. Looks. Fairly or not people tend to be more receptive to those they deem more attractive. Are you working out keeping fit etc? Of course it is not everything but it sure helps from what I’ve seen.