My partner (41) doesn’t orgasm when we have sex. He gets hard, we’ll go at it for a short time, then he suddenly goes soft, pleasures me until he gets hard again, then I have to finish him off with my hands and mouth. He will only orgasm from a bj or hand job. This can’t be a physical problem with him, because he has 2 children from previous relationships. I don’t think it’s a physical problem with me either because I’ve never experienced this before. I’ve gently posed the question once and he said he was just feeling a bit stressed. But I don’t buy that as, like I said, he orgasms by other means. And this has been going on our entire relationship, it wasn’t just a one-off. I didn’t want to push it though and make him feel self-conscious.
We’ve been together for 6 months, and it just makes me feel really inadequate that sex with me doesn’t bring him to orgasm. Can anyone give any ideas of what could be going on?
Thanks in advance x
5 comments
Maybe hes on bloodpressure meds or anti depressants
I’m that age and I swear my wife and I play up downs and then when its up its beat the clock and I cant finish but I genuinely dont care what I do care aboit is getting her off and I swear thats better than gettin off and finishing
Not everyone orgasms easily from sex. This is true for both men and women, especially as bodies can change with age. It’s possible that he was able to do this more easily in his youth.
He likely still really enjoys sex with you, both for his own pleasure and for yours. I’d focus more on this than the actual orgasm, there’s so much enjoyment that comes from everything else. If you’re concerned he isn’t enjoying the sex, then talk with him about it.
I wouldn’t see this as a problem though, as it sounds like you’re both able to pleasure each other, even if it’s not directly from penetrative sex.
Maybe he should try going to see a sex therapist. They be able to help him figure this out.
I’m a 27 year old guy and I can only cum from masturbating. One I’ve found that always keeps me hard is a butt plug. If I’m wearing a butt plug while my girlfriend rides me or blows me I can stay harder for longer. I haven’t reached the prostate orgasm just yet but I have gone pretty close with my legs shaking and everything.
Also he needs to try relaxing more and just focus on what he’s feeling. Plan some times where you just pleasure him without him pleasure you. This way he can focus on enjoying your touch feeling into his body with worrying about if he’s hard or not because it doesn’t matter. Doing this often will help his mind connect with his body better sexually.
Then other times it can be your turn where he only pleasures you without you pleasuring him and without penetrative sex. So He can focus on using his hand and mouth and toys to pleasure you with worrying about if he’s hard or not. He could even rub his soft penis on outside of your body without penetrating you. This will allow you both to learn to slow down and focus to enjoy the sensual touch. These touch sessions shouldn’t be rushed or have any time limits. Instead see how long you can do these sensual touch sessions for. If you can plan to do this all day. The idea is to take your time and enjoy the journey towards the orgasm. But if orgasm doesn’t happen that ok enjoy the stimulation.
After going a while with penetration it will feel like a new experience because you’re now way more connected with your bodies and especially receiving touch. This might take a while maybe even a year of more without penetration. But it’ll feel amazing in the end.
Low T Perhaps, or is on a medication that makes it hard for him to orgasm/causes low/lower libido. Also, ED might be considered. A lot of things at this age, definitely stress is a possibility. I agree with seeing a sex therapist, although beforehand, a thorough checkup from his physician might be prudent.
As a guy, I’ve experienced this problem. It started in my late 40s for me, and it’s no longer a problem. It occasionally still happens that I can’t orgasm during sex, but it’s rare. I’m generally fit and not on anti-depressants or blood pressure meds. There can be many reasons for this issue.
– First, it’s normal for many/most men to start experiencing this issue as they approach middle age. Often it can just be a delayed orgasm which can be a good thing as a guy who maybe felt he orgasmed too quickly when he was younger may be happy that he can last longer. But often the pattern of delayed orgasm can become no-orgasm, which is no fun.
– Masturbation — after not orgasming during sex, your guy may finish by masturbating. He’s able to easily cum through masturbation because masturbating isn’t physically strenuous and he can focus 100% on the sensation. But as he masturbates more, he’s training his body to only respond to masturbation, which leads to more difficulty orgasming during sex. He may need to masturbate less, but I recommend you or he buy a Fleshlight so that he can masturbate by fucking the toy in a way that feels much closer to sex compared to jerking off with his hand. This made a huge difference for me, and I no longer jerk off with my hand. In my view, this is really important, and my wife has been very supportive of me having a few different Fleshlight toys.
– Physical fitness — if he’s not physically fit and gets winded during sex, he will lose his erection (as you described), and then that will add to his psychological hang-up about his ability to perform. Then when he has sex, he’ll be worried about performing rather than being 100% in the moment with you, and that will make the problem worse. Improving his physical fitness will help, but to deal with the psychological issues both you and he should talk about how sex and intimacy is the goal, not orgasm. The more he can stop worrying about orgasm and performance, the better he’ll be.
– Meds — ask him if he still wakes up most mornings with a full erection. If he doesn’t, then that’s a red flag that there’s a physical decline in his ability to get hard and stay hard. He should consider trying an ED med like Viagra or Cialis. If they work for him, he’ll feel like a young man again with an erection that will last throughout sex, and that will hugely help him with the psychological shame and anxiety he’s feeling around sex. It may help enough for him to orgasm during sex. I take 5mg of Cialis every day, and it’s been really effective for me, even though I take it for mild prostate enlargement. I now get morning wood every day, and I’m ready for sex anytime.