My boyfriend (27m) has kept our 2.5 year relationship a secret. I (23f) am overweight (5’3″ 245lbs). I have been overweight my whole life. I’m the girl who was overlooked in highschool. All my friends got dates but I got good grades.
A few years ago I got tired of being single and dead end FWB situations. I posted on a dating app. Yes, I posted full body pics showing my weight. I was very clear about being plus sized.
I met my boyfriend. At first everything was great. (At least I thought). We spent every night together since we met. He came to my place and never left. I didn’t think about it at the time … but I didn’t ask about splitting living expenses or meeting family / friends or his long term relationship / life goals. I was just excited to have a boyfriend.
Fast forward 2.5 years later… I realized that we have spent 2 rounds of holidays together and I have not met anyone in his family or any of his friends. He has not helped me pay bills. He will not get a job. If I bring up the problems, he will call me fat, disgusting, ugly, and threaten to end the relationship. He then compares me to his super thin hot blonde ex gfs with rich families. He brags about fancy ski trips and family vacations with his exes family. He makes it a point to say that they are “upper class conservative white people.” I don’t care about ethicity. He is half Filipino and white. His dad was military ( definitely not rich).
The fat shaming had gotten so bad that I am having weight surgery next month to save the relationship. Unfortunately, I am Latina. I can’t change that. I just graduated college so it’s going to take a few years in my career to reach the higher income level.
I tried to respect his privacy but I’m tired of my intuition telling me that I’m a secret. I bring it up at least a few times a week. He verbally abuses me. Then accuses me of being crazy, insecure, needy, crazy, ridiculous, and “misreading” his actions.
28 comments
Please don’t have surgery to please someone else. It’s not your weight thats the issue – he’s.controlling you. Once the weight is off, it’ll be something else next.
Get rid of HIM and be happy. But you cannae let this cretin dictate how.you think and feel about yourself.
Please – make changes but NOT for him.
Girl, run. You can find a man who loves you AND your body, instead of in spite of it. Don’t let this guy destroy you any more than he has.
Please visit https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/
Seems more like is using you. He has no job and does not make up by helping around in any other way and mocks and emotionally abuses you.
Is there anything redeeming about him? Why stay in such a relationship when you are getting nothing out if it.
Kick him out. Don’t have that surgery to please him. You deserve better and you are absolutely NOT unloveable because of your weight. He’s not your only chance at love by any means. He doesn’t actually love you, anyway. He’s using you.
Please don’t accept this kind of treatment. There are all kinds of men in the world and some of them absolutely adore us roly-poly ladies. Don’t let guys like this use and abuse you. The longer you stay with him the longer you’re tied up and not free to meet men who are ready and willing to love you.
You know if you magically transformed into a supermodel he’d just find another excuse to abuse you, right? Dump this abusive mooching racist fatphobic asshole today.
2.5 years and you haven’t met anyone close to him?! This isn’t about your weight honey. He’s married/long term committed please don’t get surgery for this douche bag. You should only be getting surgery if it’s what YOU want xx
This man is absurdly abusive. He WANTS to bring down your confidence so he can keep getting away with using you. Do not get surgery for anyone but yourself. Leave this absolute turd and find someone who will love and respect you.
Your not in a relationship. He is using you.
He is vile and you should dump him.
Unfortunately you are Latina???? You are so BLESSED to be Latina!!
You are an educated woman with her own place and her own career! Why on earth would you get surgery to save the relationship with this pathetic excuse of a man???
Please do not get his surgery. And please remove this man from your life. It may be difficult because you’ve spent so much time together, but just try it and see how much better you will feel emotionally and mentally without being drained by this guy.
Please don’t have surgery for anyone other than yourself.
He knew your size before moving in with you.
He’s clearly using you because you were desperate to get into a relationship.
Whether you lose weight or not he’ll still find something to pick on you about.
Kick him to the curb and live your life.
Better to be single and happy than in a relationship and abused.
No man is worth what you are doing. You don’t deserve this, he’s taking advantage of you.
The only weight you need to lose is your man. If you want to lose weight then there are healthier and cheaper ways of doing so than surgery
Leave him. Anyone who treats you badly because of how you look is fucked. Your will find better, move on.
Spoiler alert: he won’t treat you any better after you lose weight.
The only weight you should lose is his sorry ass.
He is not the guy for you. He is leeching off you and keep you as a secret to people that is important to him, and you should be a very important person for him.
He name calls you and hold your relationship over your head because he has been able to do so for a long time.
Having this surgery is something you decide for yourself to do, not because you want to keep him around and he doesn’t even deserve you. Do it for you and your health, not for some leech that hasn’t treated you well and is just using you.
He compares you to his ex? Why aren’t he with her then? If she was so good why did it end?
Come on girl think about yourself instead.
He is a hobosexual. I bet if you put him out he won’t have anywhere to go and will link up with another girl with low self esteem and mooch off her until the well dries. You gave him a 2.5 year free ride!! Please please kick him out this is not a relationship!
Break it off with him. Trust me.
He is trying to demean you and break you. Turn you into such a broken women that he will be able to do what he wants and keep you under his thumb.
No man is worth it Op.
I’ve been fat since I hit puberty. I’m not a Latina but 1/2 of my family is and my cousin got the surgery in early 2019. She is married with kids. But she was almost 300lbs and is 5’0. She is a healthy weight now and doing great.
I know once you have the surgery you will do great too.
I am suggesting you dump the dude because I can imagine that after you get the surgery he will try to sabotage you. Bringing you had foods and being a jerk even more to you.
Op, he is not a good guy. He sounds horrible. Even my awful ex husband was more supportive that your dude sounds.
You probably a secret. He is the one who is ashamed of being with you. Maybe because of your weight maybe because of your heritage. Either reason is enough to end it.
Trust me when I saw there are soo many guys who target fat chicks because they figure they are desperate and will do anything and put up with anything to be with a guy… and guy.
**You are worth way more than to be treated like this**.
I’ll tell you as an old fat lady. Work on your career and you. Like have good hobbies, fun interests. Learn another language or a musical instrument if you aren’t already. Travel with friends. Visit family. Don’t worry about finding a guy until you can honestly tell yourself that you love you and who you are no matter how you physically look.
Because you are awesome. You don’t need any negativity n our lives. Life is so damn negative as it is.
There are plenty of men out there. Your dude sounds young a dumb and insecure. When you’ve healed up and feeling great, find an adult mature guy and ignore the boys.
He’s telling you these things because he’s insecure and afraid/financially unable to be alone. He’s using you as an emotional punching bag due to his own problems and wants your self esteem to plummet so you stay with him. Please do not get the weight loss surgery; there are healthier ways to lose weight if you want to, including relieving yourself of this burdensome asshole.
Be proud of who you are. You are smart, motivated, successful, and beautiful. If he was worth your time, he would tell you.
I am also a plus size woman, and I’m ugly to boot, but let me just tell you – there are better men out there and you do deserve better. Break up with this leech and find your happiness. Don’t have a surgery just to please a man who will never be pleased. He will just find something else about you thats “wrong” to keep you insecure and chained to him. You deserve someone who loves, respects, and wants to show you off to friends and family.
Girl!!!! You are a beautiful thick curvy latina!! Honey you deserve so much more. If you want the surgery get it but not to keep this loser. He used you from the beginning and you were blinded and naive, it’s okay, don’t keep punishing yourself for this by being with this guy. I promise you he says those things to keep you under his thumb, he hits you were he knows it hurts. Believe me if you get the surgery he’ll find something else to keep you believing your less than you are.
Do you have a rich family? He sounds like a gold digger who tries to buy himself into relationships with women from rich backgrounds.
In that, he’s despicable. Insulting you makes him more despicable.
Break up with him, and block him on everything. He seems like the type of person who always has to have the last word.
Trust me when I say this, but you will be happier and fulfilled when you leave.
Just remember how life was before you met this man and how you felt.
Do not, for the love of God, get surgery. I am certain you are curvy and beautiful. No one including yourself deserves to be abused.
Listen up. You are a QUEEN. Congratulations on your recent graduation from college! Now we did need to graduate from this boy (and a little boy he is). Please get rid of this fool as fast as you can. 30 days should be sufficient after formal notice. My guess is he will be so shocked that you dare to cut his pathetic ass loose but get him out of your life STAT.
Interesting that he brags about trips he went on with his past girlfriends. I certainly doubt he paid for any of that and is now relying on you as his financial life line.
Wish him well on his future trips (haha) and in his quest to get a job.. and don’t look back when the door shuts behind him. If you proceed with weight loss surgery, do that because you and only you want to. You are not disgusting. He is.
Please, please leave him. Don’t change yourself so drastically for someone who treats you so badly. You deserve better. The only weight you need to lose is his dead weight. Get yourself someone who is going to love you for you.
Did you read your own post out loud? Why are you even with him?
Wow. He sounds like a total fucking asshole. You really need to ditch this guy for your sake and find somebody who won’t talk to you like this, that is absolutely not how people in a healthy relationship speak to each other. Realize you are worth far more than this man says you are and run for the hills.
*sigh* Why are you trying so hard to stay in an abusive SITUATIONSHIP? This is NOT a relationship. He has no intentions of introducing you to anyone he knows. You’re his meal ticket. He knows about your insecurities because I’m positive that you shared that with him. He uses your weakness against you. He already knows that threatening to leave you would make you back off and STFU cause you’re afraid of being alone. This is the major power card that he has over you. This dude is laughing and taking advantage of you. You pay for everything while he sits back and lives it up. He knew what he was doing when he hit you up on that dating app. You saw a potential partner, he saw an overweight low self esteem with major insecurities to take advantage of. Sorry, I know it’s mean and harsh, but that’s the reality. Like I said. This is not a relationship. This is a situationship.