My (27M) girlfriend (25F) and I have been dating for a few months. We dated in Spring/Summer 2021 and then she moved away for school last September (we went long distance). A week or so after she settled in, she suggested opening our relationship and I found out later that within a few hours my reluctantly agreeing, the she had slept her male roomate. It was difficult, but we worked through it and continued dating for a few months before we broke it off because it just wasn’t clicking. We’ve kept in-touch on-and-off since the split and since she’s moved back to my city this summer we’ve started dating again (monogomous).
While we were broken up last year, GF met “Guy” (25M) and they had a very passionate “friends with benefits” relationship for a few months. Since GF and I were pretty good friends at the time, I learned a lot about their sex life and relationship. They stopped seeing eachother when GF moved back here, but have kept in touch and are friends.
Guy is visiting from that city and arrives tomorrow. He will be here for 7 days and they planned on seeing eachother. She first told me a month ago and implied that he may be staying with her for a night or two and that he was visiting to see friends. A couple of days ago she told me that they were planning a two-day trip out of town to sightsee. It made me uncomfortable, and I told her, but it felt unreasonable to set firm boundaries so close to his arrival, so I didn’t.
I just learned that Guy’s on his way (2 day drive) and planning to stay with GF the whole week. She’ll be accompanying him to see his friends AND they are still going on their trip. GF lives an hour away from the city I live in (and where all Guy’s friend’s live) in a nice cottage – boats, lake, hot tub, alcohol, the whole nine yards! I’m feeling very conflicted about this. On one hand, I want to be trusting and considerate of her spending time with her friend, but on the other hand I’m concerned that I really wasn’t told all of this from the get-go. I feel like I haven’t been given the opportunity to set boundaries or effectively voice my concerns (and I don’t know if they’re valid), and my friends tell me I may be being taken advantage of.
Any advice on how to communicate about this or what to do would be appreciated. I want to be a good boyfriend, but I don’t want to get walked over.
TLDR;
My (25M) girlfriend’s (25F) friend (25M) is visiting from out of town. They have recently been in a sexual relationship and he plans on staying with her for 7 days at her cottage, where she lives. I was just told this and he is almost done his 2-day drive here. I feel like this was planned behind my back, and don’t know how to build the trust back.
7 comments
Run. She doesn’t respect you. He would not be in her life if she respected you. And he’s only staying with her to try and get laid.
I would be saying “I’m very uncomfortable with you spending a weekend away with this ex b/f. You only stopped having sex with him because you moved away, not because the relationship broke down for other reasons. I don’t want you going with him for the weekend, but of course, your choices are your own. I’m finding that the short notice of his visit and the fact that you have already made your plans and are only just telling me now disconcerting. It feels like telling me is an afterthought and I can’t say “No” because its is all arranged.”.
You cannot allow that my dude. The fact that she would even remotely consider that ok is egregious. It’s you or him. If she chooses him, then move on your marry way and don’t look back.
This is really suspicious and because of the prior open relationship issue I think your mind will always be racing. I personally think itd be healthier for you to move on.
I think the fact that the moment she opened up the relationship she slept with someone else is pretty telling. Are you two in a committed relationship, cause she might pull the card out that you guys are solely ‘dating’.
« GF, I don’t like this whole thing with your ex-FWB. The fact that the plans keep changing until last minute and the fact that you are now going to spend a whole weekend with him makes me feel that you haven’t really thought about me. Imagine if you were put into the same situation . How would you feel? I feel like you are treating me as an afterthought. This is not about me telling you what to do. But how you’ve approached this whole thing and how you didn’t realize that with our past, how this would impact us. I think it’s time we reassess our relationship as I don’t think I can take it much further. »
Yeah, no. You need to put your foot down. A girl with integrity and respect for your relationship would not be doing this. If she goes on this trip, she’s out. And it sounds like she’s hellbent on going. She belongs to the streets, my man.
You can do so, so much better, OP. You don’t have to let yourself be treated this way. Don’t accept this – don’t let yourself be victimized. If you tolerate this, you will invite more of it into your life. You cannot control what she does. You can only control how you react. Good luck, my friend. Let us know how it goes.