My (27F) boyfriend (28M) of 4.5 years is unable to achieve orgasm. He is able to get close but can never finish. We have never had much success and this is the only thing holding our relationship back. He has told me it is the only reason he hasn’t proposed and neither of us know what to do. Some background-
He was raised SUPER catholic. He was forced to attend the Latin mass and be an alter boy until the age of 18. His father was emotionally abusive under the guise of religion throughout his childhood- when he was 14 and had been hanging out with a female friend his dad called him home, screamed at him accusing him of having sex, cornered him, and threw a shoe at him. From there his father was obsessed with whether or not he was having sex until he graduated college. At the very beginning of our relationship he would get very anxious after sex (understandably so) and there would be periods of time where he would not want to for a few months, then he would be okay with it again. He has spoken to therapists about this and feels like this is not the issue. For me this did make me more reserved, and I still have a hard time initiating. His therapist has also suggested that maybe he isn’t attracted to me enough and that may be why he can’t orgasm even though he has no problem getting an erection. So now that is in both of our heads as well (thank you random stranger for giving me more to be insecure about)
His testosterone levels are very low. He is now on testosterone shots and has to go every two weeks to get them, this has not helped. He was on testosterone about a year ago in gel form and it didn’t help, he went off of it, but he was trying to do half doses and not doing it exactly as directed. So he is giving a real try now. There has been no change unfortunately. He doesn’t have much sensation on the tip of his penis.
Everyone has suggested trying sex with other people and that does not interest either of us, so please don’t suggest that. The therapist told him that he is at the end of his rope and can’t help any more, and has suggested sex therapists that aren’t covered by insurance, cost $300 an hour, and have no legitimate credentials.
Additionally, all of this has been really exhausting emotionally and I’m having a hard time getting into the right mindset/ getting in the mood because it is such an area of difficulty for us, I imagine it is the same for him although he has still been initiating and really trying. It has started really impacting both of us as we want to get married and have kids, and it has been almost 5 years.
Any advice or personal experience??
3 comments
Make sure to ask the doctors prescribing testosterone about potential impacts on fertility. It can have a negative impact. (Doesn’t help you with the orgasm question … just something important to consider if children are hoped for in your/his future)
This sounds like both mental trauma and physical lack of sensation. Has he been able to orgasm through masturbation? Have you tried male sex toys? Different positions? Oral? Anal even? If you’re into it, edibles (of the weed variety) can really change how sexual experiences feel, maybe that could be an option. There are also topical creams that increase sensation as well. None of this would resolve any underlying mental trauma he may have. I can say from first hand experience, inability to ejaculate and loss of erection during sex as a relatively healthy man is 99.99% mental. He may not be in the right state of mind for it. A different therapist may be able to help.
First screw that therapist. Second it’s possibly a psychological block. If he’s ever been on anti depressants or mood stabilizers for a long time that’s also a possibility.
I personally have the same issue and it took my a while to admit and understand it’s a psychological block due to trauma and the growing up being drugged lol.