I have been dating my current girlfriend for just under 6 months now. When we first started dating we very openly communicated about our sexual history (her having been with one partner and me being with none before). When we first started dating I had major, major anxiety. She’s so attractive to me and tells me every day how sexy I am or how hot I am to her. And coming from having pretty much zero sexual experience (aside from kissing a few girls and dry humping) I mentally felt overstimulated and would lose my erection (or sometimes just not get hard at all) whenever she gave me a blowjob or tried to jerk me off.
At first, I thought something was wrong with me and I started questioning everything. Do I have low testosterone? Do I watch too much porn? Why am I not getting turned on? After a lot of talking, I have slowly started to realize that it’s really all in my head. I have been an overthinker my entire life and struggle with pretty high-functioning anxiety. I cut out the porn entirely for around 2 to 3 months when we first started dating. If I am really horny and by myself, I try to masturbate to pictures or thoughts of her although sometimes in my state of horniness ill browse NSFW subs on reddit which I end up feeling terrible and guilty about. I’ll go days or weeks without watching porn though and I believe this is a massive improvement from masturbating chronically to porn 2 to 3 times a day. Masturbating for me also is no longer some multi-hour long edge session, I bust my nut and move on. I have zero issues getting hard by myself and when I am with her (fast forward to the present) I can literally get so hard I can hammer a nail into a bed of concrete just by laying next to her in the morning. Right now, my problem consists of losing my erection every time I try to put a condom on. I am at a point right now where if we are in the moment and I even think about grabbing a condom my body feels like it shuts down then and there. If I push myself to actually grab the condom and am still somehow somewhat hard enough to put it on, my dick goes limp in the process of doing so. I believe now I have just failed so many times that my mind just expects it to happen and my body follows.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive. She tells me it will happen when it happens and to not worry about it. I can make her cum as many times as she wants and she can get off from just looking at me. So while she tells me she has no complaints I can’t help but feel that I am absolutely failing her as a boyfriend. She’ll constantly tell me I am perfect and the best thing that has happened to her but I can’t stay hard enough to slip a condom on? The worst part about it is that I am so incredibly in love with her and can’t help but feel that I am not enough.
I feel as though I have placed sex on a pedestal my entire life and berated myself for being a late bloomer. I always felt insecure that I was a virgin growing up and the fact that this has been going on for 6 months with the girl of my dreams makes it ten times worse.
In the moment I cannot help but over-analyze what’s going to happen if I lose it, how she’s going to feel about it, etc…. And while she reassures me over and over again that it really is okay, I have such a hard time getting this damn condom on. We probably would have had sex at this point if I didn’t need to use a condom but I can’t not use one as she is not on birth control. I have masturbated with condoms before, bought bigger condoms, etc….
I am losing my mind.
I am worried that if I ask how she feels about a Cialis script or something to help me get over this speed bump she’ll think I can’t get hard naturally for her or that she’s not attractive enough. Which she DEFINITELY is. This really sucks and I feel that the longer this goes on the more pressure I put on myself to make this happen, which ends up completely ruining sex for me because I don’t want it to just be about losing my virginity.
I would appreciate absolutely any advice.
TL;DR : Dating girlfriend for 6 months, lose erection everytime I try to put a condom on. Purely mental/anxiety based and it is starting to make me nervous/scared of losing my virginity.
4 comments
Well it’s not the condoms.
Putting the condom on means you are about to have penetrative sex and that’s what you fear will be the undoing of your relationship. This is definitely performance anxiety. Not sure even Cialis could help until you get out of that head space where you put yourself.
You are going to have to work on your head space, finds things that relax your anxieties (marijuana can be good for this for many people). You should also have time and space to take it slow so you aren’t rushed into it and you have time try many times and talk through it with her. Perhaps go away together for a weekend somewhere.
Don’t worry about it being your first time, it won’t be the only one. Don’t expect to be a stud that will change her life because that’s unrealistic. Don’t try to co troll the experience, live it. Don’t be scared to be embarrassed, stay in the moment and just be yourself, be intimate and vulnerable. Just take things as they come know it’s going to be a journey and this is just the first step.
Can you not just put the condom on while soft and then resume making out, going down on her, touching etc until you become hard again?
Talk about being in your head.
Your worrying about worrying has turned into a loop. Break the pattern. The goal is to just not think about your dick. Absolutely go see your GP about a script (after six months). You don’t need to disclose using it.
You’re doing the right thing, focusing on her, but you’re not getting out of your own head. So. Try some pot if it’s legal. Put some headphones on and play some loud music while you give oral. Have her ignore your dick, don’t look or mention it. Practice using condoms every time you masturbate, so when you put one on during sex it’s very routine. Be patient. Let this just be ok for awhile. Make some peace with it. Find a bit of humor. It will get better, but the more you dwell the slower this whole thing becomes.
Stay very busy and work out a bunch.
Could do the spray and pray or use the tooter hole.