So my ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago. She lived with me for 7 months and moved out to live with a friend when she left. She said she wasnt happy anymore, but she still loved me and she said it was difficult to leave me. When we broke up we stayed in contact most days and continued to see each other. But she seemed like she wasn’t in any hurry to get back with me. Later I realized it was because she was using me for emotional support and didn’t want to lose me, but also didn’t want to be with me. She later ended up confessing she was seeing someone. I got angry and said I was done with her for good. That week she called me many times but I ignored her. She ended up showing up at my house on two occasions. Once to get something, the second time she just wanted to talk and get some things out in the open. She ended up telling me the new guy basically used her and they were no longer talking. But it was clear by the things she was saying that she wasn’t there to try and get back together. Keep in mind throughout the entire break up I was never trying to push her into getting back with me. She had said things like “We just aren’t good for each other” and things like that. Yet we ended up cuddling that night. Two days later she calls me and wants to know if she can come over. I said sure, and we had a nice conversation about many random things. We ended up cuddling and falling asleep together again. That was 4 days ago. We’ve talked a few times since, including today. Here’s my question and my dilemma:
I felt like the reason she didn’t want me back before was because I was always available for her and she didn’t get a chance to miss me. Now it seems she’s trying to come back into the picture, but I’m afraid of being friendzoned. So I don’t want to see her too much or talk too much because I think she will just take my company for granted again and will have no desire to be in a relationship with me. Am I over thinking it or spot on?
Here’s what happened today:
She called, asked if I was home and said she was coming over. We were just cleaning our cars in the driveway and talking about general things. Then when we were done I told her I wanted to talk to her for a second. I basically told her that I still love her and I have feelings for her, but that I’m trying to improve myself and become a better person and I just need some time to myself right now. Which is true. I told her I didn’t want her out of my life, but that now just wasn’t a good time for us to be seeing each other on a regular basis. She said she understood and wanted me to be happy. She also asked about what other girls I have been talking to and if I had slept with any of them, which I haven’t. We ended things on a good note, she said she liked talking everything through with me. When we left she said she loved me and I told her the same.
Make no mistake, I want her back. But I felt like this was my best approach in order to give us some distance and time apart. And perhaps that will cause her to start missing me and want to give things another chance.
My main question is this: Did I do the right thing or should I have just continued seeing her and hanging out, hooking up and hoping the sex reignited our passion?
What should my next course of action be?
5 comments
The best “strategy” is to be happy by yourself. You also have to stop entertaining her. If she had a piece of you she still had you. Give it a few months she’ll want you back. Hopefully by then you’ve found someone who wants to be with you 100%.
Your next course of action should be to move on from your ex.
Go all in either way (get back together or move on) don’t fuck around with various mind games man, just a waste of time in the long run. You will know which choice is better than a bunch of people on Reddit since we can’t know the exact situation. Goodluck man
Yeah this all sounds like the basis for a *super* healthy relationship.
Wow, okay.
So, first off, let’s talk dating.
Think of the world around you. There are probably women near you on a daily basis — ones you pass on the street, or ones you work with or go to class with, whatever. Which one of them is right for you?
The answer is, you don’t know. They’re all Question Marks. To find out, you have to date each one, which can be time-prohibitive. That’s why we try to be efficient in choosing who we date: we pick only the people who (seem to) have a high likelihood of being right for us. And eventually we find one, and instead of being surrounded by Question Marks, we finally get the Green Check Mark we’ve always wanted. Finally, instead of being surrounded by Maybes, we have found a Yes.
But that being said, there are also other people around you who aren’t Question Marks. They are people you have dated, and by doing so you have found out: these people *are not* right for you. They are not one of your The Ones. You may not have a Green Check Mark, but you do have a Red X — someone you know, for a fact, you no longer have to worry about dating, because you tried it and it isn’t them. These people are your exes.
And you want to date someone you *know* is wrong for you??? =O
Don’t get me wrong, this happens in TV all the time, because TV likes to have lots of drama. So they lie about relationships. They posit that, when you find a Red X, your job is to court her, sing to her, [stand outside her window holding a boombox](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5Y8tFQ01OY), and somehow *convert her into a Green Check Mark*. And, inspired by your favorite TV or movie heroes, you are trying to do the same… failing to realize that TV isn’t reality, and besides why would you want a relationship that’s lots of drama?
Your job is not to take this No and turn it into a Yes. Your job is to find someone who says Yes right from the start and *stays that way*. Your job is to find the person who likes you from the beginning, who is excited from the beginning, who doesn’t break up with you after 7 months or indeed ever. And your job is *not* to go back to girls who have disqualified themselves from being this person and try to somehow mutate them or yourself into being someone different.
If she was the right one for you, she’d have never let you go in the first place. It isn’t your job to salvage something. It isn’t your job to settle. It isn’t your job to be an oyster who finds a bit of grit and *transforms* it into a pearl. It’s your job to be a 49er who sifts pans of dirt to find the gold that’s already there.
Keep sifting. =)