If each US state was a person and were all invited to a party. What would each state be doing?

18 comments

1. Saw this in r/AskEurope several days ago, I’m surprised it took this long to get copied

2. Maine stares out into the middle distance over the ocean as a storm rolls in chopping up the surf. Maine says “ayuh” then turns back towards the house walking through the pine forest in the darkening evening. In ten minutes Maine is sitting by the wood stove with their dog beer in hand and just casually ignoring the rest of the party.

3. Your mom. They’d be doing your mom.

4. CT would be admiring the lawn.

5. Michigan and Ohio would be fighting.

6. r/statehumans

7. California would be the hypochondriac or be telling everyone what to do,

   Oregon would probably bring weed,

   Washington would be following California around and probably brought hard apple cider,

   Idaho would be dissing WA the whole time while happily drinking WA’s cider, not seeing the irony there.

   Nevada comes to party hard and brings the games,

   Florida shows up messed up already, proceeds to inadvertently provide the entertainment.

8. I think Alabama would bring bomb ass biscuits, think the best you’ve ever had made by a southern granny, and some chicken with white bbq sauce.

9. Idaho rolls up in his lifted square body truck with a lit light bar that stayed on weirdly long after he parked. He comes out with the fattest dip and empty soda bottle, wearing new carhart tan pants, olive hoodie with an embroidered black American flag stencil, and a hat that has a sideways state outline and bullet shooting out the panhandle.

   He’s excited and mingling, but does a bit too much of that mild one upping thing that is vaguely political. Someone then mentions something about wanting a burger and then he asks the group if they ever had an elk burger. He has his canned detailed hunting story on deck and ends it with an itemized chest freezer list (venison ground meat, elk steaks, and some moose his buddy gave him). He sees Washington and Oregon together and figures he should say hey. The conversation is strained but they loosen up with beer/hiking talk. Idaho decides to go see if Wyoming is there yet, but not before Utah comes up way too hot with the “woooo I just finished my first beer and I’m really feeling it…hey did you know our moms ran into each other at Albertsons? Oh and my sister just got back from Rexburg and is getting married!”

   Just then, the Montana boys show up in their 2000 ford ranger and the passenger gets out the car with a beer in his hand, and of course they have a new young dog in the bed. A bunch of other states come up to say hello to them and they’re brohugging, shaking hands, and chopping it up like a motherfucker. Idaho can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t get the same love as these cowboy hat wearing, tshirt tucked in dudes.

   Fine ass California and her plainer-but-dolled-up friend, Nevada, come outside together from the front door. Why are they both sniffling so often? California catches sight of Idaho and shrieks “IIIIIIIIDDAHHOOO, nooo U DA HO, I haven’t seen you in forever!!” Another state asks how they know each other and she says “we go WAYYY back! What Idaho you never told them we grew up together? Whatever I know you still secretly LOVE me, bitch”

   Idaho mumbles and says “Fuck this, I’m gonna go talk with Tex or something”. When he finds him he greets Idaho with “Kay passah, friend. Say I couldn’t help overhear you talking recipes. That elk burger sure sounds like something, but wait til you hear about my smoker. There’s reason people won’t stop talking about Big Tex, well there’s several but….”

10. California would be smoking weed and telling everyone how awesome they are.

11. Maryland will be steaming crabs

12. South Carolina would get way too drunk too early, hit on all the women, try to pick fights, end up in a corner of the yard crying, praying, and puking, and act like nothing ever happened the next day.

13. NY would be bitching about how miserable the party is, but will not leave… unless it is to go to a party hosted by Florida.

14. Virginia is the guy whose rich Great-Great-Grandparents owned half of the town, and he wants everyone to know. But that was long ago and the money is long gone. Now, Virginia wears preppy clothes and drives a Camry while talking about redneck stuff.

15. Wisconsin would supply the beer.

16. So you literally want 50 answers from each responder. Nope nope and nope.

17. California would be the Karen calling the cops on the whole affair for “offensive noise.”

18. We would be in the garage offering to fix your car.