I feel like my [M29] wife [F36] just does not care about my feelings anymore. We have been together for 7 years and married for the last 2. When we first met, I was still in college and she was working full time. This naturally lead to her having to cover some of my costs once we moved for the first 6 months in as I was only earning $300 a week and she was on $1300 a week. 2 years later we bought a house where again she had much higher savings than me, however I saved every single penny I earnt and put it towards our house purchase. Since then, I am now established in my own career and earn more than her (we both earn 6 figures). We pay half the mortgage each, however I pay all bills and do 95% of the housework.
I do everything I can to make her happy and put her happiness over mine. I regularly buy her anything she wants and give her complete freedom to live her life. However her feelings towards me are the complete opposite. She never does anything to help me anymore and if I ever need help with something, she just complains and leaves it up to me. She is not afraid to blatantly control me and stop me from doing anything or buying anything I want. Her reasoning is always that she covered for me in the early days so now it’s her way or the highway for everything. I understand and appreciate that she took a big risk and really looked after me in the first couple of years until I got established, however I feel since I’ve repaid my dues, that she has to start pulling her weight again. We never do anything I want and everything has to be her way right down to the smallest detail. If something doesn’t go her way, I get berated at even if it had nothing to do with me (for example if someone at her work annoyed her, she unleashes at me to vent). Also during normal day to day life, I barely get any attention from her and she never has an interest in anything I have to say or happens in my life. Conversely, I am inquisitive to her life and try to take a genuine interest in everything she’s going through.
I feel terrible but conflicted that she did really look after me at first, but now it’s gotten to the point where I feel unloved frankly. She’s quick to just keep referring to the first 2 years a way to get out of anything and is definitely resting on her laurels. Whenever I bring my feelings up, again she resorts to the first 2 years and dismisses anything I have to say as bs as she feels I should not be upset over anything. Mind you, I’ve given up my friends, hobbies and even talking to my own family to keep her happy.
This is the first and only relationship I’ve ever had. I was bullied throughout high school (particularly by girls), so I’ve always had low self-esteem and never thought someone would want to be with me (kind of ironic that I now think even my own wife doesn’t really want to be with me).
Also sorry if this doesn’t make much sense and is just rambling, I’m drunk and feeling very lonely atm while she is spending all her time talking to her male friends.
TL;DR wife has not been interested in me, my feelings and my life for a few years ever since she looked after me financially in the beginning of our relationship when we were at different stages of our careers and lives.
7 comments
She didn’t support you financially at the beginning out of the goodness of her heart, she did it because she’s a control freak, she still is that. You can see that her reasoning being “I covered for you, now I decide everything”. Ummm fuck NO. She uses what she did in the past as a way to control you completely, that’s not healthy and it’s not something you should continue tolerating. I would recommend therapy, but she seems like a heavy abuser and you never go to therapy with an abuser, eo my only advice is to pack your shit and leave. You don’t owe her anything. She thinks that because of those two years, you’ll feel forever in debt and that she can hold the leash on you forever. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship. If she wants to throw that shit in your face every time you have different opinions, she shows no interest in you as a partner and refuses to listen, communicate and compromise, I’d say it’s time to nope tf out of there. Open your eyes man, she doesn’t want a partner, she just wants someone she will control and hold by her side like an obedient puppy. Fuck that, you deserve better.
Actually your venting makes perfect sense. You articulated pretty well that you now find yourself feeling unloved and respected in your own marriage.
Your wife is full of contempt for you. She seems to keep referring back to the early years of your relationship where she was older and secure in her career and so took on the financial responsibilities. Therefore, she was in control.
Since, you’ve established yourself and now are her equal, no longer dependent on her. Certainly upsets the dynamic in your relationship. Rather than appreciate that you’re both on even standings and working together your wife seems to resent that she no longer has the upper hand.
Have you considered individual counseling? Someone who’s always had esteem issues and now finds themselves being bullied again, maybe it’s time to understand yourself and be pro-active in appreciating your worth. You are in charge of your life. If you grow and change, you will see your marriage in a new light and demand more. Because you’re worth it and deserve more.
>Mind you, I’ve given up my friends, hobbies and even talking to my own family to keep her happy.
I don’t know the full details on this, but one hallmark of an abusive relationship is an abuser reducing their victim’s social circle, interests etc etc down to the absolute bare minimum because they have convinced the victim that they are all their partner should need and nothing or nobody else is allowed to be a part of their life.
You’re quite obviously not at all happy. And your wife just doesn’t give a fuck. Is this marriage even worth saving at this point?
This sounds pretty bad. I would suggest marriage counseling. She has a need to control everything, and I think that she got use to you being subservient, and when she realized she had less control, she pulled away. As to why she has this need of power there is only speculation.
If she doesn’t want counseling you may need to take some steps to separate. Life is too short to spend your life belittled and miserable.
Being heard in any relationship is important for its long term survival. If she isn’t willing to try you need to consult a lawyer and take personal therapy then cut your losses.
What you need out of this relationship may not be in her capacity to give.
Echoing others who said she wasn’t so nice to you in the beginning out of the goodness of her heart, she deliberately chose you because you were younger and more junior in your career, so she had the upper hand. She might resent she doesn’t have that any more, and is holding your past over your head. It definitely sounds like a toxic and likely abusive dynamic from everything else you say too. Head over to NarcissisticAbuse sub and see if anything resonates. In any case, you deserve a lot better. You are still young and while difficult, you will feel so much better after you disentangle yourself from this mess. Good luck.
1:Do NOT make babies with this woman. Unles she changes permanently.
2: Do not let her know what you think, for now.
3: Go to therapy, but do not tel her.
4: Read some books about “nice guy”. You can easaly find some if you google it.
5: Work out and start martial art clases.
6: Do not try to fix her. Just take what she say and do for face value. If she want to chane, she can start that jurney whenever she wants.
7: Consider to start recording conversations with her. That way you are more resiliant against her twisting reality.
8: Good luck! You are not aloan.
Dude, she cuckolding you!! Get, get while you can!