I have a bunch after a few years of using apps:
1) I think most men are totally okay with waiting to have sex. If I meet a woman and I like her, I’m okay with waiting. But the problem is I feel pressured to make moves on dates or else I wake up to a “I’m not feeling it” text message.
2) Being ghosted and given a cliche rejection is the same thing. Both leave me confused to what the real reason she lost interest is.
3) I feel like online dating doesn’t allow enough time for things to develop naturally. Every time I’m dating a woman from an app, I feel like there’s this nasty shot clock with it. That I only have a small window of time to make something happen
4) Women do get a lot of matches and a lot of those matches are wholesome guys who are seeking a relationship. They’re not gross all f-boys like the subreddits lead you to believe.
5) I think modern relationships have a very bad anxiety to it. The woman doesn’t really feel that satisfied knowing she can create a bumble and maybe meet someone better, and the guy is nervous knowing he can be replaced.
6) You shouldn’t go more than 2 dates without kissing. Nothing sucks worse than dating someone for a few weeks, then you guys finally peck, and she says “eh didn’t feel the spark.” It’s good to just get it out of the way.
7) Sometimes people really do lose interest after sex. It’s not like he/she was purposely misleading you, it’s that with sex you see a whole different side of someone. The intimacy to the pillow talk. A lot of things in that process can make a person lose interest.
What are your hot takes?
33 comments
An addition to 7. The desire for sex/intimacy drives your attraction to someone. Once you have sex, you realize you’re no longer attracted to them.
Number 8 – Dating has never been “easy”, at least for those looking for long term partners.
Edit:
Number 9 – The modern first date isn’t a date, it’s a vibe check. The real first date (as we know it in the traditional sense) is the second date.
Girls care about height and men care about weight.
4. Nah, majority of the men I matched with did not want anything long-term.
I switched to Hinge and found better guys, but on Tinder it was all horn dogs.
Having sex ASAP to establish sexual compatibility kills the vibe for me. Sexual compatibility for me includes trust and emotional intimacy, and I rarely feel that sleeping with someone within 2-3 weeks of meeting them.
An actual unpopular opinion: I think racial preferences when it comes to dating are inherently racist. Notice how these “preferences” tend to skew towards certain races (different for men vs women). Ask an Asian guy or a Black woman how much interest they get on apps compared to their white friends.
Whenever I see preferences mentioned on here people treat it like it’s a harmless and inherent thing, rather than something that is problematic and should be worked on.
Dating apps are a menace and directly contribute to why so many people are single now
Most people are losers and don’t deserve a partner.
A person isn’t shallow because they do not feel attraction for someone.
I think cliché rejections are much nicer than being ghosted and I usually say something other than you have really bad breath or your car stinks like patchouli. Poodles patchouli small dogs all deal breakers
That nearly every single question or problem someone asks about on this subreddit could easily be solved with simple communication.
Most people are on apps to fill a gap from past break ups or past traumas. Most likely the person haven’t healed yet and still attached to the past somehow, which may cause you lots of pain.
You can be one of these people, ofc.
It’s miserable. Absolutely fucking miserable.
No, really. Took a hiatus (kinda intentionally, kinda just happened with the circumstances) from it for two years. Recently decided to get back into it.
It sucks. There’s so many tripwires and social politics involved with this and it’s just exhausting. I’d rather be alone.
If we go on one date and I never hear from them again (or vice versa), it is not ghosting.
Well apparently from a post I saw the other day it’s an unpopular idea but I always do something inexpensive like tea/coffee on the first date.
The fact is when you’re dating it gets expensive having to pay often so something like tea/coffee and walking around after is great; you get to talk a lot and get a much better feel for the person and if you actually want to date them on any sort of recurring basis.
Also grabbing a coffee/tea with someone can be cut off at any time length if someone isn’t feeling it they can just down the drink and leave.
From the post I saw the other day apparently it comes across as being cheap and you’re ‘forced to just talk’ but as a guy if you’re paying (which most guys will do unless their date insists to split) and take them to a nice spot of a cafe and they see that as ‘cheap’ then they might be a little too materialistic IMO. Talking lots is the best part of a first date too; if you’re fumbling and run out of things to talk about then you can pretty much end a coffee date whenever anyway.
For me, it’s my feeling that people are more afraid to put themselves out there emotionally and honestly. It can be scary meeting new people and any form of dating, even dating apps, requires people to put themselves out there some what. But I feel like apps like tinder have really just created some sort of formula for dating.
People are now more concerned with fulfilling the most basic criteria that appeals to the largest demographic then focusing on meeting people they can connect with. In this climate, there is hardly any room for individuality. Everyone is so focused on playing the numbers game, they don’t try to highlight the unique aspects of their personalities unless they are the aspects that the vast majority of users have deemed “unique”.
It doesn’t just apply to personalities but also to how every profile is set up. Every guy has to be within a certain height and every girl within a certain weight otherwise you are automatically rejected by the majority of users. Everyone has to have a certain amount of pictures and a certain look to appeal to the widest audience possible. The profiles and pictures themselves are so generic I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that some algorithm was making these accounts.
It’s gotten to the point that I feel like in order to get a date nowadays you have to have a general attitude, a general look, hold the generally accepted views and beliefs, have general hobbies and interests, etc. I feel like the natural result of this type of dating scene is the reality that people will play a general role until they feel confident enough to progress to a relationship but it’s extremely difficult to start a relationship when both people are forcing certain aspects of their personalities and appearances into specific molds to maintain their appeal to the widest audience. It’s almost impossible to have real emotional and personal connections in this scenario.
Now, this isn’t to say that individuality and real relationships have disappeared, because they haven’t. But I do feel like they are getting harder to find, especially among younger people (18-24).
Y’all need to stop being so trigger happy with your “red flags”. The majority of the time it’s not even an actual red flag, but just you being picky.
If she/he doesnt speak with you in kind of a flirty way in a period of 2 weeks give or take, they’re just not into you and is pretty unlikely to change that point of view from them.
I don’t really agree with your hot takes on dating. I feel like it places a lot of negativity towards women. I’ve experienced more time wasters, who know I want something serious but will still see how far I will go with them whilst fully knowing that they want casual and don’t have the same end goal in mind. Wholesome guys are rare in my experience. I’m taking a break because I’m yet to find serious men, I feel like a lot of guys haven’t healed from past relationships / rejection and project insecurities that I don’t want to deal with.
Just because I want a relationship, that doesn’t mean I want a relationship *with you*.
Too many men don’t understand this.
Typically If I don’t kiss someone on a first date, there isn’t usually a second
Also… fucking talk to each other, games are for the lame “I wanna text him but I should wait till he texts me” WHYYYYY
5 goes for both genders. It’s just easy to shop around and there’s the feeling of something better being around the corner. Some people bail at the first hint of things not being perfect and hit the dating sites again. It’s not neccessarily a male/female thing.
The expectation of an instant gratification, two-way infatuation between complete strangers is borderline sociopathic and is one of a few core reasons society is so fucked up.
We have no sense of community or attatchment to the people around us, and are wandering around in a mausoleum to culture.
Relationships should spring out of friendships, or at least familiarity with a broad number of people around you. If not the “girl next door”, at least having a pool of mutual friends.
But now we live lives of social isolation, and hardly even know our next door neighbors. So we spend our time shooting completely in the dark as if this is just the way things have to be done.
I feel like most men on dating apps are married men looking for attention outside their wife or are sex crazed. I just want to have a normal conversation and get to know someone because I am looking for something long term but as soon as the second conversation, they are talking about I want to take off your panties so you can sit on my face. Wtf?! Instant turn off.
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#2
I don’t think they’re even close to the same thing. Ghosting leaves something open ended. A shitty excuse does not. For all I know they were hit by a bus and are in a coma if they ghost me. Or they lost their phone. Or a family member passed and they’re spending a few weeks grieving.
4: if you’re a straight male, how would you know what the dating pool is like for women?
5: the real crux is not that women think they can find a better guy. It’s that more know they’re better off single than with someone who isn’t a good partner.
The reason there are so unhappily single men is that there are so many happily single women.
I am 37. I am perfectly happy to be single the rest of my life rather than be in a unhealthy relationship, or an unbalanced relationship when I’m expected to do more emotional labor than my partner.
I have several friends who feel the same way. If the right person appears, that’s great.
Women aren’t picking better men than you. Women are picking no one over you.
For me personally, as a woman who has used dating apps-
1. A lot of people on there are superficial as fuck and only want to have sex and dip. As someone who has never been into hookups, it kinda gets hard to tell who is genuine and who isn’t.
2. I used to get lots of likes on my profile, but if I matched with someone, very, very few people would reach out. And if they did…conversation would just die as fast as it started. I agree it’s hard to build something organic with this expectation of a relationship weighing over the conversation. I’m hella shy as it is and it’s hard for me to open up. I find a lot of people don’t give enough of a shit to keep talking after a day or two, even if I’m responding quickly and am interested.
3. Honesty is best. I like it when people are straight up with me, especially if I don’t know them that well. I’m a bit of a human lie detector, so I can sense if someone is being ingenuine or dishonest after a date or two.
4. Personally, I kind of like considering the first meet up to not be a date, but more of a test of the waters. If you don’t vibe with someone upon meeting, be honest about it. Even if you think they are a cool person. Dating on apps is hard enough without getting lead on or actively trying to lead someone on for sex.
5. This is gonna sound weird bc it’s literally a dating app, but friends first really does help. It builds a foundation that literally cannot exist otherwise. Genuine attraction is worked for, not found. Build something worthwhile.
6. Don’t get caught up in the sex part. That’s literally, for me at least, what kills it. If someone brings up fucking on the first date-immediate turn off. Like bro you just met me, maybe ask me my middle name and figure out if you even like me as a person before you try to screw me just bc I’m attractive.
Dating is not impossible, it’s just forcing a lot of people who were pretty lazy and got away with it to up their game a little more or risk being filtered out because people have other options and can turn you away easier.
Here’s a hot take. 99% of the dating pool are children in adult bodies. The tantrums and lying I’ve seen is crazy.
That lots of people need to just chill when it comes to dating. It should be fun and relaxed. If you treat it like a super serious, daunting, anxiety-inducing thing to do, it will be.
Don’t use apps. Seriously. Unless you’re just wanting hookups or flings. Obviously it works for some people, but what worked really well for me was to just ask people I knew for help with matchmaking. You might be surprised how many friends you have that also have other friends in your position.
Nine year anniversary in a couple months for us!