As a 22 yr old female sex always terrified me. I’m extremely anxious about not being good enough for a partner (visually, and by means of performance) I feel like a fake woman without any experience with sex, I don’t feel real and the years are going by so I feel like I’m late for life. I do get horny now and again, but somehow can’t imagine myself in the scenario. How can I overcome this anxiety?
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In addition: today I set up bumble and okcupid to try it out, but I can’t swipe right on anyone fearing the actual interaction. Like, what do I even say? At what point do I bring out that I’m a virgin? How do I let them know that I have anxiety about this stuff without driving them off? I suck at these
I feel you mate. I think a lot of people are in this boat. Intimacy seems to be a natural part of almost everyone’s lives, but for some (myself included) it’s practically alien. Not sure what the fix for this is besides pushing the limits of your comfort zone over time, but know that you’re not alone
Stop worrying about performance. If the person is really into you, that won’t matter. Also…you can always go another round. I think so many people forget that.
The important thing is to be comfortable with what and who you’re doing. Just do what feels good – your body will do a very good job of letting you know when you’re doing it right.
Like many things, sex has a compatibility aspect to it. Just gotta find someone you’re compatible with. Trust me, they’re out there.
Try not to sweat it – it will occur naturally when the time is right. Also, I think that is incredibly cool that you didn’t “just do it to get it over with”. Truly truly👍👍
Alcohol
You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, don’t let societal expectations or other peoples views upset you. Everyone does things at different times and when the time is right for you it will happen. I know it’s easier said than done but there’s no point worrying about it as that’ll do nothing good for you
I asked all of my male friends how to give the best blow jobs before I ever had sex. I also looked other sex performance information online (not porn). I was a late bloomer of losing my virginity because I was terrified it was going to hurt a lot. It only hurt a little for about 10 seconds.
Can you get sexy with yourself, get yourself off? If no, work on that first.
First off, don’t stress it. Rushing into something because you feel pressured will likely just do more damage to your situation. Don’t let anyone or anything pressure you into sex either.
About overcoming anxiety, this requires some introspection. There’s a lot more to that than I can write here, but Google something like “Dealing with childhood trauma” – even if you don’t consider it a trauma, the general process is the same, in *very* short and simplified terms; keep asking why you’re feeling this way, then experience all the emotions related to it, and then let it go.
Finally, try to meet someone without the dating apps if you can. People treat each other pretty terribly on there until they’ve met at least once, so I worry it might actually make your anxiety worse. I think the best way for you would be somewhere where you already have a reason to talk, like a partner dance or a group cooking course.
There’s much more I could say about this but I don’t want to keep it too long. Let me know if you want to hear more, I’ve had to learn a lot about this sort of thing really late in life so I figure that I’m more observant of it.
There’s no such thing as being late to life, ESPECIALLY not at 22. People try to push this narrative that we need to find the right person by x, have a career by x, be married and have kids before x… it’s not true. This applies to every area of your life. For example, in one of my college classes there’s a 50-something year old who decided to go back to school and is passionately working for his bachelors. It’s inspiring, truly. But back to the topic, go at your own pace. If you’re anxious, and don’t feel like you’re ready, then listen to your body. You’re definitely not alone on this feeling, and there are many asexual people who don’t feel that sex is even an important aspect of a relationship. But if you believe that you are ready and want to have sex, and you just need to overcome the anxiety, then I’d say first find someone that you are comfortable with. With time you’ll find someone that would be more than happy to go at a slow pace and wait until you’re ready. You’ll find many, many guys that just want to have sex, which might make you feel pressured and cause anxiety. But when you find the right one, he’ll want to be with you for you, regardless how painfully terrible your performance is (which btw, we’re not all pornstars, it’s probably not bad <3) and THAT is the guy that will make sex feel comfortable, fun, and natural 🙂 Just remember, there’s no rush. It’s your life so go at YOUR pace
I don’t really have anything helpful to offer but i just really appreciate how you put into words something I’ve been feeling for the longest time. I didn’t know how to phrase it. It’s a crappy feeling, I get you
I understand the feeling as I am 23 year old female who is also a virgin. I’ve never been on a date much less had a kiss.
However I don’t really worry about such as I have other things to worry about, like school.
I would think that if someone really loves you they wouldn’t mind if you were inexperienced.
Also what is the rush? You don’t have to loose your virginity so soon.
I mean I’m waiting till marriage to have sex with my future wife.
Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna have stage fright the first night lol. But having another virgin as my standard for a spouse means she’ll be just as nervous and excited 😉
I’d highly recommend taking matters into your own hands. Get some toys first. One for the clitoris, one for the vagina. Get some lube and condoms too while you’re at it. Play around with your body and find out what you enjoy. Don’t watch porn while you’re doing this, just listen to yourself.
You’ll likely feel more comfortable and safe having sex if you 1. Have had an orgasm 2. Have had a penis shaped object introduced into your vagina before having another person’s body inside of you. When you know you can handle it, you get to choose whether or not to make the disclaimer to your first partner that you’ve never had sex. Of course you can tell them, but you might feel more comfortable if you get to choose, as that seems to be a concern for you. You can also bring your toys into the foreplay if that would make you feel more relaxed and safe.
Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about gaining sexual experience. I would wait for a partner whom I trusted and whom I had been dating for a while. I lost my virginity just to lose it and it was fine. I don’t really regret it, but I don’t know that I would do it again. Still, if it’s consuming your mental energy, it’s worth figuring it out. Adults find each other’s sex lives quite trivial btw – unlike, say, highschool and college students. It’s also super normal to be a virgin at your age and even later on.
Do what feels best. Honestly it doesn’t matter at all what it looks like. It’s all about feel.
If it feels good for you, it will probably feel great for him.
I had a gf who sucked in bed because she wanted it to look like the girls she saw in porn but it really just sucked. It wasn’t good. It was when I told her to just do what feels good and not worry about the “look” that we started having great sex.
Just do what feels good. Sex is awesome. You deserve to have it, it’s part of the human experience to bond with someone on a deep physical level. I know it’s daunting because it’s new but honestly any guy worth giving your virginity to will understand and go slow with you. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your virginity.
I think the media has a lot to answer when it comes to this. It portrays most people as these horny sex pests who sleep with everything that moves. The reality is that most people won’t enjoy sex with someone who they don’t have an emotional connection with. Go on dates, meet people, don’t worry about sex, you are NOT expected to sleep with every person you date! Get out there and eventually you will meet someone who will tickle your fancy and it will just happen naturally.
Just let it happen naturally! Don’t overthink it. When swiping, don’t think about sex. Think about if they seem like an interesting person to talk to, and if they are attractive to you. Never forget that agreeing to a date does not mean you’re agreeing to sex. Wait until you’ve clicked with someone and feel safe with them to get physical. The right person will be respectful and understanding. And don’t put too much pressure on the first time. Sex gets better the more you do it, and the more you learn what you and your partner like. That’s the fun of it! Growing and exploring together. For me, the goal of sex is connection. It’s not trying to impress anyone or perform.
I feel ya, I see folks go in and out of relationships all my life and it confounded me. The small number of times I’ve been with a new person, I would start shaking each time, so nervous, excited. Whatever you want to call it.
Learn to love yourself and then, step by step, inch by inch, test your sexuality on a safe environment.
1. Learn to Love yourself
Every single day, go in front of a mirror and talk positively to yourself. No joke, go in front of a mirror, watch yourself and say “I love you, you are beautiful, you are sexy, you are hot, I love you! I want you! I am beautiful, I am hot, I am sexy, I am worth it!”
Repeat this every single day multiple times.
Also take care of how you talk with yourself from now on. Do not combine the words “I am” with something negative. This combination of words are very powerful and if you kept telling yourself negative things, you always put a seed into your head, which would grow into a tree of negativity.
Go even further in front of the mirror. Get naked and get used to watch yourself, to watch your body. Get used and comfortable to see yourself. Start touching every single inch of your body. Feel your skin, your bones, your hairs. While touching yourself, go into an emotional state of love and gratitude, these are two very strong emotions, which will help you to stay positive.
Allow yourself to be a woman who is worth to get loved, get used to the idea and start by falling in love with yourself. Because how are others supposed to love you, when you can’t love yourself. How are others supposed to see you as hot, if you don’t see yourself as hot?
A man is thinking you beautiful and hot? Good! Everything else would be complete non sense, because you know yourself that you are the biggest brilliant of all diamonds. Let this become your new belief. Not because of being arogant, but because you value your worth and you love yourself, which is completely fine to and necessary to do. EVERYONE should love themself and put them self at priority number 1. This doesn’t mean that you should treat other people bad. Just that you are prio 1 and then everyone else.
If you ever were inside a plane, what is the thing they say before flying?
“In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will fall down which you FIRST put YOURSELF on and THEN you put it on others”.
Because you can’t help others, if you can’t help yourself.
So start by taking care of your own needs. Start by falling in love with yourself.
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2) Gain Experience on a safe environment
So if you want to improve your relationship and sexual life game, you must test yourself out.
There are many ways to do so. I know a lot of girlfriends that started with a Twitter account where they posted anonymous pictures of themself. First they started with fully clothed ones out of fear and insecurity, but picture by picture, inch by inch, they started to get lose. Started to open and feel good with the idea that they are allowed to be sexy. Eventually they started to post different kind of pictures and discovered sides of themself they weren’t aware of. Some even found some soulmates, role partners to experience their different sexual desires.
I also know some that tried the same with OF. Again other girlfriends that tried out the “bi-sexual” world. Some even found out that they are simply asexual and have no interest in doing it, which is also totally fine.
(Take into account that there are and always will be perverts and A-Holes on the internet. Don’t fight with them, don’t think about it, just immediately block those, delete their comment and don’t dive emotionally in. There will never be a win in these situations. If you dive in emotionally, this one troll can destroy 10000 positive comments, so spare your time and continue)
The big goal is to understand and find out what you are all about.
There are no rules. There is no right or wrong.
Live your life as if it’s the only one you have.
You are the author of your own book.
What’s the title?
What kind of person is the main character?
You decide 🙂
Did I write this post
The girl im currently dating is 28 with no previous experience. I really have no problem with it. She never even kissed anyone previously. I think it’s important that you find a supportive partner that is willing to take it slow with you and someone who respect your boundaries. We haven’t had sex yet but we enjoy kissing eachother for hours. It was a little awkward in the beginning but we’re doing so well right now and it’s very enjoyable for the both of us. It’s the most intense passionate connection I’ve ever had with some. You shouldn’t overthink it. When you find the right person it will come naturally.
you’re seeing it as ‘getting intimate’ but a chunk of the sex that happens between people involves zero intimacy (i don’t understand it either)
but intimacy or no, the ease with which some people have sex with others shocks me too
having sex is a small step for some people…for others it’s like climbing Mt Everest…and right now for me it’s like flying to Mars and climbing to the top of Olympus Mons
I love intimate but struggle to connect with people, its hurts a lot ..
when i was 22 i also thought i was ‘too late’ and ‘getting old’
eh… no. I wish I could relive those years and not have felt old the whole time
I feel ya, OP.
Btw, epic user name. 👍
Unfortunately don’t have advice to help with this, but I can assure you you’re not alone. I feel very similar.