My wife and I have not been getting along for a little while (3-4 months) and it’s starting to wear heavily on us.
I have a really well paying job that could feasibly support both of us and still allow us to have children (we don’t have any yet). This job is why we live where we live. I moved her here from where I met her (which is definitely where she would prefer to be in the long run over where we are now). She was totally on board with this move despite it being to a less than ideal area. Since moving here, she held one super shitty job which she ultimately left and is now on to her second job which she actually likes quite a lot. It suits her passion/hobbies well and I love that for her. However, her shifting is tuesday to Saturday. This wasn’t a problem for a while but has started to affect our relationship greatly. We built our whole relationship on being able to go places with each other and now we only have 1 day a week and it feels super cramped to do anything of value. On top of this, she only gets 2 weeks of vacation a year (I get 3) and she makes $40k per year, only 25% above minimum wage in some states. She is a college graduate with 10 years of experience in this field and definitely deserves more many than this but that is beyond the point. I make $150k per year and just want to spend time with my wife. I want us to be able to go places together.
My main argument is 1 of 3 points.
1) I think our schedules should align. I think she should try to work with her management to try to get on a M-F. My job is technically Monday to Friday but I definitely have work in excess of that sometimes which is difficult. But she doesn’t make enough money for us to not be able to go places in my opinion.
2) I think that if our schedules are going to be this different and force us to live in an uncomfortable scenario, she should make enough to make this worth it.
3) if she can neither make enough money to justify the schedule mismatch nor get on a similar schedule, then she should at least be able to take vacation when I can.
Am I in the wrong for feeling that her job shouldn’t be the cause for us to not have the schedule flexibility that would allow us to go places? I make nearly 4x what she makes and I am never the choke point for us to go somewhere. Sure, my job requires to have to have my phone available and sometimes (most of the time) that results in calls that I have to take, but I can at least go when we want to go for the most part. It’s been a year of this and 4 months of her telling me she will talk to her boss and work towards a resolution with 0 progress.
TL;DR: wife and I are on different work schedules and can’t seem to come to a resolution. Been arguing every week for months about it and just can’t seem to get on the same page.
Please let me know your thoughts. We’re newly married and this issue simply won’t come to resolution.
8 comments
If you get more vacation, why don’t you just take more Mondays off and make that your long weekend to travel?
My husband works Tuesdays through Saturdays and we make it work. He can take off whenever, since he owns his own biz, but any days off are days we go unpaid. So there’s a limit.
Your wife likes her job. She doesn’t really want to change it. Shouldn’t matter how much she makes if you’re financially secure and she’s happy.
I think you have the best idea. If she can talk to her management, she should try to work something out. Ideally, you should do the same with your job if you get the chance to have any wiggle room in your schedule, although I’m sure that’s much less likely.
Another thing she can do is negotiate the times of day she works at.
You expected her to move to be with you, even though it’s not where she wants to live and it’s difficult for her to get a good job in her field. She has dealt with all of that, finally found something that she enjoys…and you want her to give it up because it cramps your style?
From what you’ve written here, she has been the one making sacrifices for the relationship, and you just expect her to keep doing so. You frame the situation in terms of your life, with her as a side character. You don’t mention that SHE misses the weekend trips; you say you don’t like it.
The goal of your marriage should be BOTH of you being happy, with both of you making sacrifices sometimes. So: Is your wife happy right now? If not, what does SHE see as issues? What changes could you both make to improve your marriage? You need to start treating her like a partner, not an accessory.
You’re the one with the problem with the current situation, so the solution can’t be for her to change a work situation that she’s happy with after already making big sacrifices for your relationship.
Work your vacation around hers. Take a day off here and there on her days off. Use some of your extra money to reduce some of your household obligations so you can maximize the time you do have. Try some new ways to enjoy your time together that don’t involve going places.
Your wife’s voice, values, and perspectives are strikingly absent here. You state your position very clearly: Because you make more money, your job is worth more in the relationship, and she should accommodate it. But what does your wife think? Is it possible that she thinks that her work is as valuable as yours, even if it makes less money? You’ve proposed the ways that you think that she should be flexible. What flexibility have you offered her? You want to take trips all of the time. Does she agree that the priority of your marriage should be that you both work schedules that allow you to take trips?
You might be in a stalemate at least in part because both the problems and the solutions have all been defined by you, and she doesn’t feel fully heard, considered, or accommodated.
Uhhh… work schedules don’t always line up. You’re going to have to get over it. You can’t expect her to change her work schedule… which may involve coordinating multiple co-workers schedules, just to fit you.
Me and my husband have totally different schedules. You have to just make plans and time for trips and such.
I’m sorry but this matter seems terribly trivial to be causing such a disturbance in your marriage. I’d let it go, plan trips when you can.
Has your wife proposed any solutions? The idea of you taking some Mondays off seems like it may make this situation workable in the short term until you can find a better long term solution.
You’re in the wrong here. Work takes up a huge amount of awake time. She needs to like her job in the city she moved to for you. Deal with the schedule mismatch on your own. Don’t be so codependent on your wife to have fun. If she doesn’t have a problem with her new job then it’s now your job to sort yourself out and get with the new program. Or move both of you back to where she would prefer to live. You don’t get it all, this is what compromise is. She moved for you. Now it’s your time to give her what works for her. Stop being so selfish