how do i tell my boyfriend i wish i was dead?

to preface, im not suicidal and i would never leave but all day every day all i think about is how i was i was dead. i’ve always had it pretty hard, childhood was rough, i dreamt of ending it all. i always came up with reasons as to why i couldn’t leave, but as i get older my list keeps getting shorter. every day is a struggle. i go to school full time, and i have to work full time to be able to pay for school and afford my bills. i’m no longer getting financial aid thanks to my mother who has ruined her life and her relationship with me and my two older sisters. she always cared more about her significant others at the time than she ever did raising us. and now her ruining her life is making mine more and more difficult. i have a minimal relationship with my dad and just learned through my step mother that he essentially doesn’t care if i fail or succeed. i’ve been taking care of myself since i was 17 and i just don’t think i can do it for much longer. my main reason as to why i couldn’t end it all was always my dog, she’s my best friend and i always told myself that no one would love her or take of her like i could, but now she has my boyfriend; she’s obsessed with him, he’s her favorite person and i’m so lucky to have him there for her. it makes the thought of leaving so much more attainable. my life isn’t hard, i work as much as i can so i’ve never worried about being homeless or anything like that, but it’s been months since i’ve been able to have 1 single good day, something always ruins it. my mother was diagnosed with BP; i don’t think i have that. i want to go get tested to see what i do have but what if i get my results back and there’s nothing wrong with me? what if it’s all in my head and what if i’m just overreacting to all these small inconveniences that just keep building up? i know i can’t tell him that i wish i could end it all because he would just want to fix it and he would blame himself and i don’t want to hurt him, i love him so much. i just don’t know what to do…