My bf (26M) and I (24F) have been together for the last six years. I know we’re young, and have our whole lives ahead of us, but in this moment I’m really feeling a bit like my world is ending and need some advice.
Things haven’t always been great, but for the most part, they have. We met at University, and have since both gotten our masters degrees. He’s currently working full time, and I’m in some weird patch between jobs (I have several part time jobs, which currently make up full time work, but only one of which is relatively stable). I’m not actively looking for work, as I have literally just finished my thesis and am super burned out. My bf, on the other hand, is loaded. Whilst I come from a middle class background, he’s very much of the upper sociodemographic group. I moved out of my home town to go to university and have worked my way throughout my entire degree to be able to afford to rent & food. My bf lived at home throughout his entire degree (his home is in the same town), and has always had his mum to cook, clean and do whatever for him. Now he’s working full time, he has copious amounts of money – he’s just bought a brand new car, and is forever investing into building some new part for his PC.
Which leads to probably the biggest issue in our relationship – my partners hesitancy to move out of home. He, essentially, doesn’t want too, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t pay for anything, and his mum acts like his own personal maid. I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together – because I really, really care about the guy and envision a future with him. I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together.
A month ago, I got the opportunity to housesit for some family while they’re over in Europe. It worked out perfectly, as my rental contract was ending, and it meant I’d have a little break in paying rent. It does, however, mean I have no where to go come early October. My bf agreed to come stay with me, as like a trial of what it might be like to live together. And I thought things were going really really well – we haven’t fought, we cook together, laugh together, watch our favourite tv shows. He still goes out to do his hobbies and sports, and I do mine.
But last night, I brought up the topic of needing to find somewhere to live, and if we should be trying to look for somewhere together, as my time housesitting is quickly running out. And he said “No, I don’t want to live with you.” He basically went on to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me, as there are “too many little things that we don’t align in” (i.e. he doesn’t like how I act when I’m stressed, although says he can “tolerate” it, and doesn’t like that I “don’t play a sport” – which confused me bc we’ve just come out of winter in the country we’re in, and I’m an avid hiker. I go nearly every weekend).
He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me. I asked him if he genuinely felt that way, why had he stayed all these years and essentially lead me on? He said because it was between choosing losing me as a friend, or keeping me, and that he didn’t want to lose me. But he always knew what my intentions and hopes were for the relationship (a long term, committed relationship), because I have always been very honest about it, and because I have always been so open about it and he’s never disagreed or brought up otherwise, I thought he was on the same page.
Evidently we’re not though. He’s also told me he has plans to leave our country at the end of 2023 and work abroad for 5-10 years – and that he wants to do that single. He wouldn’t consider going with me, as being in a relationship is a “burden” to meeting new people. This isn’t the first time he’s told me this – he told me a few years ago that he wanted to move at the end of the year, and then COVID happened, and he didn’t. We discussed this early on in our relationship, and had always anticipated we’d go explore the big wide world together, as it’s also a dream of mine.
So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot envision a future with me, and I’m so upset and angry at myself that I’ve stayed for so long with someone who has never intended on committing to me. But at the same time, I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?
I truly, truly love this guy. We holiday together, spend time with each other’s families, and absolutely I’m terrified of losing him. He has been my Rock over the last few years, and has always been there for me to turn too when I need him. And now, I won’t have anywhere to live in a few weeks, I don’t have a job lined up, and the one stable thing in my life has just told me he doesn’t see a future with me.
He hasn’t asked to break up, and says he doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s offered to move in with me anyway because at least we’ll be stable together, and we’re good friends outside of our relationship. But I worry that that’s only prolonging the inevitable, and that I’m just going to be left even more heartbroken in a years time, when he DOES leave. I don’t know if there’s anyway I could change his mind, nor do I want to try to change his mind. I would be open to him travelling solo for 3-6 months, or moving overseas with him, but he doesn’t want either of those things.
Alternatively, I could stay in this town, not break up, and find somewhere to live alone, which would likely run me into huge amounts of debt/drain my savings. But I wouldn’t have to do the emotional work of leaving him, and starting anew. He’s genuinely my best friend.
Or I could move back to my hometown, and in with the parents. I would lose my jobs in my current town, one of which I’ve had for 6+ years, and all the friends I’ve made up here and would essentially be back to ground 0. The prospect makes me feel sick. I’d have no friends, no job, and be living at home. I really struggle to make friends, and out myself out there and I worry I’d just become a social recluse who lives at home with no job, no hobbies, no friends and just no motivation.
I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I break up? Do I stay? Do I go home? Is there another option I haven’t considered?
TLDR: my bf (26m) says he doesn’t see a future with me (24f), and doesn’t want to live with me. I’m going to be homeless & jobless in a matter of weeks, so do I accept the fact there’s an expiry date on our relationship and move in with him anyway, or abandon everything I’ve ever known and move back home?
27 comments
Don’t move in with someone who just told you they don’t actually want to be with you. Find something else.
The dude has literally told you you’re a placeholder he never really liked romantically.
Sounds like there’s nothing left to abandon. Just go home before you’re homeless.
I know this hurts like hell. I know it does.
But he has told you everything that you need to hear. He sees you as an obstacle to his actual
happiness and you should see him as the same.
Cut ties with him. Do it now. You are already hurting. Block him on everything. Make it clean. Grieve what you wanted the relationship to be.
And then find someone who appreciates you.
Someone who deserves you. Because this guy doesn’t.
Wow this guy is selfish. It’s not your fault that he’s a liar. He should have told you sooner.
Sounds like your options are: stay where you are and find a roommate, or move back in with your parents. I don’t know what the right decision is for you, just that you should break it off with this guy and not live together. It’s going to be painful, but you need the space to move on from him.
Sorry about your relationship 🙁
I’m sorry he wasted so much of your time. That’s not right. He’s not the one. There’s no future here, and he’s made that very clear to you. Accept it and form a new plan. No need to cling to a mistake, just because you spent a lot of time making it.
It’s probably best he came out straight to you. You wouldn’t want a situation where he starts cheating on you. You cannot certainly force him to stay. It’s better to head out with your head held high
He used you for your friendship companionship and more. You have a choice to move on with consequences or stay for 1 year until he departs and remain financially secure in an unstable relationship which would allow you to really define what you want to do.
This will destroy you mentally if you stay with this man. don’t allow him to waste anymore of your youth
>I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together
After one year, *the writing on the wall* ought to have been apparent imo (his lack of deep interest/connection with you).
>I know this is the beginning of the end,
The beginning?? It’s ended, how could it be any more clear? I see your best option as to cut ties with him NOW, to retain some dignity AND not to lose time in seeking his replacement
You’ve several small jobs — that makes it awkward for you, but nonetheless manageable to stay I’d of thought, on finding a suitable place.
6 years — be thankful you’re still youngish, at 24 starting over’s not so impossible.
I am so sorry about your relationship, must’ve been hard to hear. But, and I’m genuinely asking, why don’t you consider breaking up with him and staying in town, since you’re more likely to get a job there? Maybe stay with friends or family there?
>So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be.
Nah it sounds like it’s already done. When a grown man tells you he doesn’t see you in his future, that’s all there is. If he stays with you it won’t be out of love it will be out of convenience. There’s no one that amazing that you should beg them to stay. He’s selfishly made his exit plan without you but that’s his right.
Like you said, you’re young so this feels like the end of the world. But believe me, you’ll look back and realize how little he cares about you & why it wouldn’t have worked.
Yeah you need to break up and move on. Don’t live together. He’s being pretty cruel to to expect you to go on as normal after saying all that. I’m sorry.
It really hurt me reading the history you have with each other. Has he agreed with you in the past about having a future together and is now recently changing his mind? And if so, were you always the one who brought up the future/initiated those conversations?
Anyway, it’s best to end it now. There is no easy way out of it, but there are so many people out there who would love and value you the same way you love and value them, on top of wanting a future with you. I know it feels crazy letting go of such a long lasting relationship/friendship, but there is genuinely so much more to look forward to in life that you will never find in him.
There’s really not a lot to do about it other than break up with him and start planning your life without him. I know it’s hard leaving such a comfortable rut, because day to day everything does seem okay and there’s no huge fight to make it clear that the relationship isn’t working.
At the same time, it really, genuinely isn’t working. If it was working, you’d have moved in together and been planning your futures together years ago. Nothing is going to change in the future that will make you more compatible with him than you are now.
End it now. Or he will blindside you sometime in the next few years by breaking up with you when he is ready to settle down and get married.
So, it’s time to start planning your future without him in it.
Sending hugs
He kept the relationship going because it was easy sex with no work on his end.
It hurts like hell and I’m so sorry. He has used you and soon he will have no further use for you. It sucks that he did that to you.
This is a defining moment in your life. Cut ties with him, go NC and go back to your home town. Start new and fresh from a place of maturity and experience. This is the time where you step into your authentic self, love yourself and conduct yourself with dignity and self respect. It sucks to go through this but so worth it in the end.
Hugs
Boot him out. Take some time to heal and look for a roommate situation in an area where you want to live and work.
You don’t need to stay where you are. You can go anywhere.
You deserve better than this guy.
>I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?
He’s using you for comfort and sex right now, and he doesn’t like going through stress with you. He’s finally being honest about it, and his plans to go chase other women in other countries in a year. Its not going to change, he’s going to run off and post about how he’s getting laid and you’re going to feel even worse that you wasted another year on this guy.
He says he can do better than you. That’s all you need to hear. Break up with him, find a new place to live and maybe spend some time alone to process all this.
What he’s done is incredibly cruel. He’s basically used you as a placeholder. Good enough to date, have sex with, share meals with – but not good enough to marry. Because he’s SUCH a catch, he can surely nail down a Nobel-prize-winning multi-millionaire supermodel, right?
WRONG. Also, look at how he treats his mother – like a maid.
YOU can do better. Maybe get some therapy if you’re worried about becoming a recluse, but there’s nothing wrong with enjoying being on your own now and then – in fact, it’s probably healthier than if you needed to be around someone all the time.
He’s already decided that you’re breaking up – he just apparently thinks you should stick around and make his life easier until he gets around to moving abroad. You don’t have to agree to that.
A year from now you can be newly alone and floundering after a miserable year of dreading it, or you can be well along the path of being over this breakup and on to the next stage of your life .
For your sake, I hope you choose the version where you start moving on now.
I wonder if there’s an option where you move to a new third place where the cost of living is better, get a roommate, and start over there, since you don’t sound enthused about your parents’ place? That might be worth considering. But if not, go ahead and crash with your parents temporarily while you job hunt.
Any option that’s *not* “move in with this guy, hurt every day knowing he’s cheerfully looking forward to leaving you behind, and spend the next year in daily agony” is a decent option.
He literally dumped you.
How is it you simultaneously don’t have a job lined up AND if you move back home you’d lost the multiple (?) jobs you have, including one you’ve had for 6 years?
Did he say why the sudden change of mind and did you ask why didnt he initiate breakup officially? Since from the way i look at it, it already sounds like a breakup speech
You must have an extremely low self-esteem huh? Why would you be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Honestly OP, he was quite forthcoming with you: he’s not interested in being with you long term, and he’s not at all concerned about your well-being. Be glad he’s been honest with you. Believe him.
Any minute you spend giving him the time of day from here on out is wasted. WASTED.
He’s not interested.
He’s not interested.
Stop giving him any time and attention. Stop thinking about any future with him. It doesn’t exist. He doesn’t even care what happens to you in a few weeks!
Find you own place, consider ONLY your needs and what works best for YOU. Don’t degrade yourself by giving him the consideration he refuses to give you.
You are young. Don’t squander any more of your youth on this guy.
My jaw dropped when you said it’s the beginning of the end. It’s over. He doesn’t want to be with you. You’re just convenient holding pattern for him until the next part of his life where he’ll drop you like a hot potato and move on without a second look back.
It’s already over hun. Any staying together at this point is delaying the inevitable. That doesn’t mean you have to officially end it today, but you absolutely will at some point soon. So if you’re not ready to yet, don’t, and focus on the issue of your living situation. I knew my ex and I were over, 6 months before I had the strength to end it. He did too, and similar to your situation, strung me along for a long time prior to me realising it was over, but I took my time to leave him and to this day, 7 years later, am glad I did. Despite what people say about standing up for yourself, sometimes it’s hard as hell to do and some people don’t have that big epiphany moment where you’re convinced to dump the person disrespecting you in a moment for glory. Sometimes it takes time to come to that decision. And that’s okay, as long as you do come to it eventually.
First big issue, you need to find a home. Do you *want* to move back home? It sounds like you absolutely don’t, so I think you can rule that out right away. And you know that you need to rule out living with him. But living alone doesn’t need to be your only other option. Look up housesharing or roommate finder in your town. Or talk to friends, see who might be open to a roommate situation. There’s other options.
Well tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out also his relationship with his mum is creepy