My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We began our relationship over long-distance, and only in the 4 past months have we been living together.
I should have foreseen that this would grow to become an issue when he first came to visit me. I had no doubts about his attraction to me, as he seemed very excited to see me and initiate sex with me as soon as he arrived. But for the rest of his week-long visit, he had trouble finishing with me almost every time we had sex. Eventually I asked him about this, wondering if I’d done something wrong. He insisted that I hadn’t, and that he’d never had this issue before with previous sexual partners. This would be the motif for nearly every visit we would have in the coming months — he’d orgasm almost instantly during the first sexual encounter, then struggle with following encounters.
My boyfriend has told me that he used to watch porn often and to the point of it being unhealthy. He also told me he has had many one-night stands and spontaneous sexual encounters with various women in the past.
Now that we live together in the same house, his desire to have sex with me has quite nearly plummeted entirely. I’m always the one to initiate — being playful, teasing, passionate kissing, caressing, indicating interest in oral sex, you name it — and I’m turned down by him about 40% of the time. If he warms up to me, there’s more like a 50% chance that he won’t orgasm. I’ve asked him about this multiple times, and he assures me each time that he is completely satisfied with our sex life, and has no desire to look elsewhere for gratification.
I recognize that this situation probably sounds normal to many reading this, but the arguments we get into about sex (the frequency of it, initiation of it, etc.) is taking a toll on our relationship, along with me feeling sexually frustrated. He tells me that his libido is low, but I have trouble understanding that because, according to him, he watched porn frequently when we were apart in the beginning of the relationship. His past with other women also tells me that his libido must be at least normal; maybe even high. I know these things can fluctuate. I will add that he struggles with depression that comes and goes in waves. He’s been doing well recently, but I’m not ruling it out.
His growing disinterest in having sex with me has become increasingly detrimental to my self-esteem and confidence. I know I can turn elsewhere to get that, but since sex is such a vital and integral aspect of relationship satisfaction, I don’t see it getting any better. I don’t think I’m wildly attractive, but I’m conscious of the stares I get from men in public, being flirted with by them, etc. All of my previous partners haven’t been able to keep their hands off of me. I’m not overweight, I take good care of myself, and I always put in extra effort to look beautiful for him — especially lately! I don’t include this information to boast; rather, I’m just genuinely confused at the discrepancy.
I’ve tried acting ambivalent about sex and abandoning the issue to see if he will seek it out himself, but he never does. I’m certain that he is not cheating on me, or even thinking about it. I trust him fully.
I love this man to death, and I’m desperate at this point to have a peace of mind because I think it will be healthier for our relationship. I have a lot of respect for him. We have argued about this, but he always reassures me that he’s happy with me and our sex life. A nagging feeling I’ve been having this whole time is that he’s not *really* that attracted to me, which would be crushing, but I want your guys’ honesty. Any and all input is more than welcome. Please help.
tl;dr: My partner of one year seems to be increasingly losing interest in me sexually, and it is detrimental to our relationship and my self-esteem