I (30F) have had a best friend (30F) since 7 years. She is also a coworker. She got married to her husband (31M) whom she had been dating for the past 10 years. Just before her wedding, she became really close with one of our colleagues (31M). Since she has to make an entry everytime she goes to this colleague’s place, and since he lives in the same building as my husband (30M), I can see when she entered and exited. Initially, I noticed it just because of her handwriting, as I know it very well. And after that, I would keep seeing her name in the entry register.
Being a friend, I tried to talk to her (in a non-judgemental, non-confrontational way) and ask her if she was okay and if there was anything she wanted to talk to me about. (I should mention that I caught them both together in a washroom on her bachelorette when they were both super drunk, almost right after they entered there). She said I need not worry and that she is okay. She also mentioned there is nothing between them (I didn’t ask her if there was). Since then, she has been completely ignoring my existence and we don’t talk now. I have tried making small talk with her but she refuses to prolong the conversation after straight answers to my questions. She also enters the building under a fake name now (but I recognise her handwriting very well, and there are other things because of which I am certain it’s her).
She advertises that she is very happy in her marriage and that both of them are madle in love with each other. She also lies to everyone about where she is the whole day and my boss thinks she is sleepinf in the day since she works the whole night (with the said colleague). (They call themselves all nighters). Needless to say, my boss thinks she is one of the most hardworking people ever.
Is there anything I can do for my own piece of mind apart from just letting everyone be? I see her everyday in the night, and her name in the register, and it just reminds me of everything, everytime. I feel she never valued our friendship as much as I did, since it was so easy for her to give everything up.
16 comments
She probably doesn’t want people to find out about her cheating. That’s why she cut you off.
Personally, I’d tell the husband if you have any proof. The poor guy deserves to know.
This seems to be more about your bitterness regarding the friendship than just wanting to do the right thing.
If you want to tell her husband, tell her husband. He deserves to know the truth. But you need to let go of this friendship. Good luck.
Let it go, no good is ever going to come from your interference. It’s not your life, not your business.
Try to ‘fix’ anything is going to backfire at you. Even if she’s no longer a friend, she’s a co-worker. You’d get burned.
The fact that you are more broken up over the friendship ending than finding out she is sleazy is just sad in itself. You shouldn’t want to be friends with a liar.
At least tell the husband he deserves to know he can decide he also might have gut feelings something going on you might be able to help him catch her!!
…She cheated on her bachelorette? The fact you didn’t interfere when and stop that sham of a wedding makes me think you’re only taking action now because this friend ditched you, most likely because she knows you know about everything.
You’re better off without her in your life. And while you should have interfered/told him sooner, you NEED to tell him what you know now. If he doesn’t believe you, at the very least he’ll pay closer attention and most likely figure it out for himself sooner or later.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Question would you say somthing to husband if she comes up pregnant with a child that might not be his
Op get the registry book from your lobby area and take pictures of it. Show every time she has been over, what time she arrived and left. And him all the pictures of this, and let him know. Op would you want to know or would you prefer to find out sooner or later as you put it. The man needs to know, frankly I would just post it online, and say I guess she is a little too cozy with. So and so, tag her, your work guy, and the husband on your post. Then they are both exposed with the times in and out, and the fake name she is using. You don’t want her as a friend.
And this is exactly while I will never get married with my GF (even tho she really wants too ) imagine the poor guy out there working hard thinking his wife is loyal and loving and the best thing ever and she’s out here visiting other men , man that’s sad
gather evidence of the cheating such as taking pics of her entries(handwriting). Let her husband see it and tell him to not tell his soon to be ex wife that he knew it through you. if you were her husband, you would Want to know as well as soon as possible that your partner is cheating right? Gather evidence and tell him. That’s the right thing to do. Don’t protect the cheater. Don’t let cheaters get their way. You already lost friendship with her, so it would be easier for you to rat her out
Ask yourself these questions: Would you want to know if your husband was cheating on you? How do you think your husband would feel about you and your own marriage if you decided to keep this a secret?
Thanks for all your comments. I would try to tell the husband whatever I know in an anonymous way. The only reason I haven’t told him is because I don’t want to ruin my entire career. I’ll figure something out. Thank you all for your inputs!
So if you look at the infidelity, survivinginfidelity, and asoneafterinfidelity subs, one thing that should stand out is that the common friends who knew about the cheating are cut off, because they were approving of the affair by their silence. While you may not be close friends with her husband, recognize that he will come to despise you if he ever finds out you knew but did nothing.
If your husband were having an affair, wouldn’t you want to be told?
What you could do is anonymously inform the husband that she is cheating with said coworker, but tell him he will need to track her via GPS in order to get proof. Your part is done – the doubt alone should cause him to become suspicious and lead to him opening his eyes to the red flags (which he is probably closed off from seeing due to the honeymoon period of the relationship). If you do this right, there should be no risk to you as no one will know it was you.
Also, you should recognize that a cheater is in a different state of mind (due to limerence) and they don’t always make the wisest decisions because of that. Asking to talk to her and her not responding to you just shows she is deep in the affair fog, and there is nothing that will change that short of her and her AP having a break up. She is a “cake eater”, and your taking the easy path of not informing the betrayed means you are condoning despicable behavior, by your inaction.
Consider that she knows you know. If he finds out about the affair, and she breaks it off and they decide to reconcile, you may be cut out of their friendship simply because that is standard practice for R. At some point in the future, all she has to do is mention that you knew to someone – and you will be seen as guilty. Wouldn’t it be better to get ahead of this instead and be proactive, and take steps to blow this affair up?
Tell her husband. He deserves better