Something on your mind? Share your dating Shower Thoughts and Tuesday Truths!

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1. The longer I visit the sub, the more I see that the easiest way for men to meet women is apparently to already be married 🧐

2. For 30 somethings, would you keep seeing someone that has a different view on wanting children? Probably especially relevant for women.

   If yes, would be interested in hearing the reasons. Hopefully it’s not “they will change their mind?” or… “they will change their mind if pregnancy occurs.”

   Update: oof

3. How can I be smitten with someone who hasn’t even kissed me yet (or in general done anything non-platonic with me 😅)?

   It’s funny to see the difference in how blasé I was about him for the first couple of dates (I had a good time with him but didn’t think much about him outside of our dates) vs. now (when he is on my mind _a lot_). Even in case we won’t work out, it’s nice to finally have someone I am excited about, but not in an unhealthy, anxious way!

4. About four months into recovering from leaving a very unhealthy LTR.

   Starting to feel lonely. I know I need to learn to be happy by myself, but this sucks.

   Gym twice a day seems to help. But I can feel the undertone of depression setting in :/

   Dammit.

   And winter is coming.

   (Couldn’t help adding the last line XD)

5. I’m 32F and starting to genuinely feel like I may never meet someone I want to spend my time with in a romantic way. I worry that the older I get, the more “engrained” in my own life I get. I date a decent amount but never seem to hit it off with anyone. I’ve done “the work” on myself too… worked on moving from an anxious attachment style to a secure one, go to therapy to deal with my baggage and trauma from relationships when I was younger, re-evaluated what’s important to me in a partner, etc.

6. I’ve been so unsuccessful with online dating this year it feels like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve paid to see likes only to discover everyone that liked me was out of country. I find a profile I feel like I’d genuinely connect with, they’re inactive or my message is buried in a sea of thirsty DMs.

   When I do get a match, it’s someone trying to get more IG or Onlyfans subs. Once my subscriptions run out on the apps I’ve paid for, I’m thinking I’m going to uninstall everything for the sake of my mental health.

7. It’s weird to be in a place where you’re having a lot of success making new friends and meeting people…but for some reason that’s not translating to dating at all.

8. I’m worried, my perspective has changed. After my last relationship, when anything seems possible but crashed hard to the ground. When honesty took a back seat.

   When I see my next partner, I want to see my future childrens loving mother. Unburdened by bad habits, addiction and full of life. Someone to share and adventure life with.

   I don’t know how that cake is baked or even where to find the ingredients. So that the cake is solid and sticks together for the long term.

9. I’ll never understand how someone can say they love you and have strong feelings for you, but their head tells them it isn’t right. I literally cannot relate to this. I read this as “I don’t want to say the real reasons we cannot stay in love”, because for me, what the heart wants it wants, the head doesn’t get to decide. Call me an old poetic dredge for feeling that way, it simply takes the magic out of life and love for someone to somehow maintain those (to me) antithetical notions.

10. Finally got the guts to pointblank ask this guy WTF we are doing. We both agreed that we can’t commit to something super serious right now with us both moving in the next six months for job stuff (and we don’t know where yet). I appreciated him being open and honest. I’m on the same page for now, but it still sucks a little bit to know there is an end date. I’ve never done a short term relationship/FWB scenario, so any advice or anecdotes are appreciated.

11. I like both men I recently started dating. I’m not really into multi dating and feel I need to make a choice soon so no one gets hurt. The last year of dating as been rough and now this.

12. Was listening to the U Up Podcast if anyone has heard of it. And they had an episode on “situationships” and how it’s just a “pre breakup” that people do and either you’re together or you’re not.

    I’m 30f, I am “exclusive” with someone I met on a kink social media website. But i don’t know how to bring it up because in the beginning I said I wasn’t asking for anything except that they’d pay attention to me. I like what we have but I’m missing vanilla aspects like being taken out to dinner or introducing the person I’m seeing to my friends and family.

    It just makes me feel like I’m good enough for sex but can’t cut it with the rest of their life. I don’t even want to bring it up. I know that not speaking up is my downfall. But I think I’m already cemented as casual.

13. The girl that I had gone on four dates with decided she didn’t want to continue dating me. It’s a shame because the first two dates were pretty great and we were both clearly interested. But on the fourth date she declined a kiss, which was clearly a warning sign she was no longer interested. However, she still made plans to meet a fifth time, but ended up canceling on the day. She still responded to texts over the weekend, so I felt like she was giving mixed signals. Yesterday after work she texted me to let me know she wasn’t interested in continuing. I asked if there was anything I did/didn’t do to make her lose interest. She said there wasn’t, that I have great traits and I’m a good guy, just that there were some things (left unspecified) that would collide with her personality/values in a relationship. We both wished each other good luck. I asked if she would still be interested in being friends, since she is a fun, interesting person, and she said she was glad I asked and seemed to be open to that, that she’ll keep me posted.

    Even though it’s a bummer, I am glad she told sooner rather than later, so I didn’t get too attached/invested. I did cry after, but not so much about her, just about the situation. I hate having to go back to square one.

    And it was definitely a bit of a blow to my ego. My first thought was “if I’m such a great guy, why doesn’t anyone want to be with me?” I know that’s not a healthy mindset, and I do have an admittedly small sample size. And in the case of my ex, she was a dismissive avoidant, so even if I had been her ideal version of a partner, she probably would have ended it anyway.

    I’m lucky to have a great group of friends. They actually became my friends after the breakup with my, which is the best thing that came out of that. They were cheering me up and giving my advice in our group chat, and I’m so grateful for them. I may have shed a tear or two as I told then how much I appreciated them. It was a bit unusual, because our group chat is usually just a bunch of sex jokes lol.

14. The recent post about asking “what are you looking for” and how it is apparently a major turnoff for both men and women has really messed with my head. I’m looking to break my pattern of getting into poorly-defined months-long situationships where I ultimately find out they have no interest in a relationship with me when I finally gathered the courage to DTR (because I had very little self-esteem to bring it up any earlier).

    I kept seeing comments like “I have to meet the person to find out/see what happens/I may want something casual with THIS person but won’t ignore a real sign.” I don’t want to spend months “seeing how things go” and “having fun” then finding out that it’s not “going” anywhere. For me, the fun of the situationship is negated by the fact that I feel like I have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.

    Some comments were like “you’ll be able to tell by his actions, not by his words, so why even ask” and folks when I tell you that’s how I was “interpreting” these past situationships AS going somewhere based on “actions…”

    Do men not get disappointed with situationships or not feel that they are a waste of time if they are eventually looking for a LTR? Like, do you feel like the short term fun is WORTH using up this energy on someone you know you don’t want a future with and putting the search for “the one” on hold or running in the background? Is a situationship the same as a “short term relationship”? Do I really have to play that same “be chill and don’t ask too much” game that I did in my 20s and “hope” something turns into something because otherwise I’m turning off potential partners too soon by wanting to establish mutual goals in dating outcomes early on?

15. How do people feel about Snapchat? I have several guys who I have months long snap streaks with but don’t see very often. I’m not genuinely interested in any of them for a relationship but it’s fun to flirt and I never get dirty with it. I do sometimes wonder if people read more into it than that. I see people getting excited over good morning/night texts but does that apply to Snapchat? Because I feel like I will snap them just to keep the streak going, like it’s more about the game than the person sometimes. I also feel like I get to know them a little better than text because I see things around them. I’ve seen their kids, their homes, their parents, their jobs, their workouts, what they’re doing with their yards etc. It’s weird because I feel like I DO know them somewhat but if they were to broach something I would be quick to say “I don’t know you very well”. Which somehow seems a little dishonest despite being true. It’s also a little unnerving when I talk to one a little more and we suddenly have the yellow heart bc I assume they’re sending other people the same messages, bc that’s what I do.

16. At least a couple of my hobbies are kind of old man hobbies. Though my drawing group gives me a little hope of meeting someone. Lot’s of different ages there, though a heavily male attendance.

17. Newly single after being with the same person for over half my life. She ended it in the worst possible way. It was an unhealthy relationship where I constantly would seek validation from her but it never came. I always felt unworthy and a failure. Even while ending the relationship it feels like she threw me away like a piece of garbage. I’m not interested in dating yet but the idea both scares and excites me. I’m going to be lurking for awhile.

18. Looking back over the relationship after a breakup and sighing because I so badly wanted to believe Norm^(TM’)s avoidant behavior was due to his disability and now I’m realizing he was just an asshole.

    I briefly downloaded bumble after a couple glasses of wine and some guy said I was probably super fertile because I’m Puerto Rican so I deleted that.

    Other than that… Gym. Work. Interviewing. House projects.

19. I feel like hitting on a certain waitress at a nearby bar, but I don’t want to make her time at the workplace even more stressing, so I’m not sure what I’ll eventually do.

    Oh well.

20. Guy I’ve been seeing for 6 months told me he’s not in love with me. I’m not either. I don’t expect it that soon. Am I wrong? Both emotionally damaged people so both being cautious. I’d rather keep trying exclusively for slow burn. But if you wanna keep seeing me as option and bang other people, then not me. Not me.

21. I think I need to stop spending time on this sub. I’ve found I’ve already had to seriously unlearn a lot of ideas I see thrown around here on the regular.

    Just have to remember that there is no universal relationship experience – and to trust my internal guidance more than the experiences of others that are shared online.

    Some other popular ideas here that have been detrimental (for me!):
    – if they wanted to, they would
    – feeling confusion is a sign they don’t like you
    – the right person will never let you feel uncertain
    – I’m not ready for a relationship means “not ready for a relationship ‘with you’.

    All of these things are thrown around here regularly – and while they do help sometimes – they are just ways to turn grey situations into something that is black and white. Sometimes we NEED the decisiveness of black and white in order to move on or let go – but in my experience- the shades of grey are where you always find the true nature of what is happening. Grey is not the easy answer though – because often it’s not an answer at all – it just is.

22. I am hanging out with my friend a lot. Started as helping him through a break up. Anyway, even though he is just a friend, he treats me better, texts me more and takes me out more than any guy I have dated in about 2 years. My takeaway, we should treat eachother a little better when we meet up with new people in the dating world.

23. Tuesday Truth:

    I may be outgoing, motivated and beautiful, but I’m never going to find someone if I keep my introverted ways.

    Nothing better than hiding at home after a long day of work, but it will likely lead to me being alone forever. Oof.

24. Not sure who else follows r/Internetparents but I saw [this post about how to maintain long term relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/internetparents/comments/xcemc7/for_longterm_couples_who_still_think_the_world_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and I really loved the responses. Worth a read for both those of us who are in a relationship as well as those of us who are looking!

25. Ive been realizing my outlook in old has changed. I’m at the point I assume that each swipe is just another picture I’ll never see again. And each match is just a disappointment in waiting. I know I should be taking a break from it, yet I persist because I’ve had some wonderful relationships through it (which ended in disappointment).

    I’m going outside for a bike ride. Exercise definitely keeps me happy these days.

26. Using OLD when you’re a childfree, not-religious, and liberal 31M in central FL is depressing.

    It feels like an unecessary grind, and the fact you can be ghosted/dropped so fast is crazy.

    Meeting people IRL seems impossible due to my aforementioned stances.

27. Coming up to one year of OLD soon! So far I’ve had three relationships in the making (one of which ended in a kinda traumatic way). I’ve had plenty of nice dates, and a bad one. It’s been eventful.

    During this time I’ve tried to play by the rules. I listened to some dating coaches so I could make the ”right decisions” concerning my love life after a very bad relationship. And now I care less and less, and I just want to take the fun in dating back. Like when I was young and things happened organically without a second thought. I didn’t put make-up or paint my nails before dates then, it just didn’t cross my mind. Still got guys, still got boyfriends. I didn’t obsess about guys texting back. I didn’t try to interpret their texts. Things were not perfect, but in a way they were effortless.

    I’m currently on the way to a guy’s place. It’s only our second date. On our first date I got very tipsy on margaritas. We kissed and almost made out after we left the bar. A few months ago I would be a little concerned that doing stuff like this would put me into the ”non-relationship material box”. Now I simply don’t care. If me going with the flow will scare a guy away, it really just means that he wasn’t my person. That’s it. End of rant.

28. I can’t stand a certain type of man. I don’t want to say to break any rules, but let’s just say there’s a lot of traumatized men out there from stuff the gubm’t makes them do. And that’s all they talk about for the rest of their lives! I’d told this guy I didn’t want to talk politics, even tho we were on the same page, he’d go on these long rants where I was unable to successfully change the subject no matter how many times I’d said “I really hate this topic”. He did it again, twice, on Sunday and I just said you know I was having a great day until this god awful conversation, I’m done. Good luck! Ugh. I try not to judge but they’re all the same.

29. I feel pretty shitty breaking it off with someone after a couple of dates, even though the 2 reasons are legit. Well, one more than the other. I can’t tell anymore if I’m jaded or high maintenance or if I’m just getting a clearer vision on what I want.

    I want to add to someone’s life but I also want to them to add to my life

    I want to support someone emotionally but I also want to be emotionally supported

    If one is lacking the other could make up for it, but both categories are lacking I don’t see it working.

    But now I’m chastising myself, like boohoo you want to break it off with a nice enough guy just because he doesn’t come up with exiting enough dates and doesn’t ask you enough questions? Crybaby!

30. Last year, I got dumped horribly after a 5 year relationship then a few months later got into what I now realise was a situationship where I fell for the rebound. Broke up with the rebound after 8 months as I wanted more and he couldn’t commit. He asked for another go and after 3 blissful months of what I thought was progressing extremely well, he blindsided me last Friday and broke up with me saying…he couldn’t commit. Surprise surprise. I should have listened the first time around.

    So here I am at 3am ruminating again. Why do men/people say things like “you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met/been with…but I can’t commit (love you enough to stay)”?

    Really starting to think I’m not the most amazing person.

    Really exhausted and afraid of putting myself out there again.

31. I’m usually pretty optimistic about meeting someone with beliefs that match my own, but occasionally I get down on living in Montana and think everyone’s a conservative Christian. I’ve been toying with the idea of trying to start an online LDR with someone who matches my politics and personal beliefs with the hope she would eventually move to me, but every time I think about it seems ridiculous and far fetched. Has anyone had success doing something similar?

32. Really surprised that so many guys put “don’t know yet” in their relationship wants on their profile. If you don’t know then I certainly don’t know either and don’t want to waste my time! You either want something casual or you want a relationship. Just pick something.

33. I was just seeing this guy from work casually for the last couple months. After about a month and a half I said I didn’t want casual anymore and so he’s like well I like you I want to take you out. We started talking about seriously being together, planing for the future, he was so kind and made me feel safe and I was becoming really happy. He canceled our date last minute, said we needed to talk, and then proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t honest about his living situation and that his ex gf has been living with his family due to her own issues since 2020 and that they had broken up a while before we started talking (I don’t believe they had ever been broken up). He said he started to see us in a relationship and really likes me but he’s thinking of getting back together with her bc she’s in school and he’s feel bad having her have to drop out bc she couldn’t pay rent and also he still loves her. I feel so used and shitty about it and now I have to see him at work on Monday and just hold it all in. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around this without it feeling like a personal rejection and letting myself understand that this person isn’t for me bc I liked him so much and was starting to think about a future together. Ugh. 🙁

34. Had a date lined up for tonight, he cancelled last night. Had two others I was chatting to, they’ve both disappeared. Feeling completely deflated. I am open and chatty and interested in them. I read time & again that men want to be asked out, but this seems so be what killing it for me. Anytime I suggest we meet, they agree and then the chat dies. Ugh

35. Trying to figure out how to navigate being sexually confident again after being in two sexless relationships that spanned a year. I’ve also lost around 80 pounds during the time so I should(in theory) feel better about myself.

    I get plenty of attention from men and women but those relationships killed my confidence as much as I tried to not let it impact me.

    I think – unfortunately – I can no longer be sympathetic with partners who have sex hangups. It’s a dealbreaker for me. I need the connection that sex gives.

36. How I keep telling myself that then ghosting me has nothing to do with me but it still hurts . I rather for him to have told all he wanted was sex and blocked me than just stop responding one day.

37. Interviewing for jobs reminds me of dating in some ways. Putting yourself out there, trying to read if the other party is interested and what the vibe is, waiting by the phone… lol.