Is it normal to have a partner who doesn’t remember his family’s birthdays? Or anybody’s birthday for that matter? And you have to do the shopping, and remind him, set calendar invites about his family’s birthdays? Am I weird for being annoyed by this?
My mother worked full time, bought gifts for all my dad’s coworkers, family, relatives while my dad just worked. Maybe my resentment comes from here.
Starting to see a similar pattern with my marriage. Idk if anybody on here is annoyed by this or has a similar relationship with their partner where they are responsible for buying birthday gifts, and reminding their spouse to text people on their birthday.
It’s just like — use the calendar on your phone. You know?
27 comments
If they don’t care enough to remember family member’s birthdays, why should you? Let them remember or not, and handle your own family.
It’s sad, but it’s an indicator of a complete lack of empathy.
I am the definition of absent minded and would forget them all, but well, that’s what Google Calendar is for, so I manage pretty well.
And it’s pretty clear to us that my family is my responsibility and hers is her responsibility when it comes to gifts, etc.
>And you have to do the shopping, and remind him, set calendar invites about his family’s birthdays?
Why? Like, how does this follow from what you said?
I’m not annoyed… other than your own children, do we really celebrate adult birthdays in the same way. Most adults I know have extremely good jobs and can buy whatever they want, it’s just another day not like an achievement. I’ll go to dinners if a person wants to, but to randomly call cousins or family members, nah and I’d think a call to me would feel weird and disingenuous. I’d rather spend quality time with friends and family organically, not just because they survived another day. I do like to celebrate achievements of people, big events, job promotions etc. I’m not bahhumbug…
Your mistake is in taking on the responsibility of all that. He did what he did before you were married and he can continue to do that now. Doesn’t make it your job to pick up the slack.
That said, my ex husband was this way and I found it extended I to special days he should have remembered for me and the kids too, so, there’s that.
I’m in a similar boat, to the point that I get blamed if we don’t send a gift for his side of the family. I’ve decided to stop this and not take responsibility anymore. I’d urge you to do the same. After 1 year, I’m sure he will step up.
Hi. No. This is willful ignorance. He’s a grown ass man and has an incredible smart phone he keeps in his pocket all the time. He can program this shit.
I have ADHD and I am HORRIBLE about remembering any dates let alone birthdays. It’s a bad habit and I am actively trying to be better about it but it’s a difficult work in progress. Mainly having to back track and ask for these dates is causing myself anxiety and shame. Help him- get a calendar or have him input them in his phone with automatic reminders.
I come from a big family. I’ve never been good at remembering birthdays. I remember my husband’s and my sons, vaguely my parents. Yeah, it’s not great. I don’t expect my spouse to remember them and he doesn’t expect me to remember his family’s.
I know some people are big on birthdays but we don’t feel the need to buy every single person a gift and wish them happy birthday. We do prioritize our parents, but people are busy and I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to remember everyone’s birthdays.
Sounds like he just doesn’t care and that’s actually ok, as long as he isn’t expecting you to pick up the slack. My husband doesn’t track his family’s birthdays either, nor does he really think to buy them presents. I used to unprompted, but then I just stopped so they either get nothing or a gift card (which is fine because they don’t give us gifts most of the time).
My husband does fine with these things, but because it’s so common for women to become the expected de facto social secretary of the family, we had a discussion early on that I would not be managing his relationship with his family just as I wouldn’t expect him to manage mine. If he doesn’t want to acknowledge a family member’s birthday or plan visits to see his family, that’s on him. I also wouldn’t curtail what I do for mine if it’s more than what he does.
We buy our own siblings, parents, niblings, etc. gifts for their birthdays and holidays as was our custom before we got married. We don’t expect the other to do it for us. Sure, when I’m buying my mom flowers for Mother’s Day, I let him know in case he hasn’t done something yet. He’s quite good about that stuff. I just don’t manage it for him.
We both work. We were both adults living on our taking care of this stuff before we got married. If he only wanted to put for the effort to see his mother once a year, that would be on him. I don’t take responsibility for his relationships because I’m not doing anything to stand in their way. I don’t say no to visits (with or without me) or gifts or give him a hard time about what he spends, etc. But we both have a family. It makes no sense for one person to have to manage everything for both sides of the family.
I always thought it was unfair growing up that my stepfather’s family made their relationship with their own son/brother my mother’s responsibility like he couldn’t call them himself. Or use a calendar and go to the store to grab a gift. He was the stereotype of the “what did we get you” dad on Christmas morning who left all that to my mother (who also had a full time job).
Let him be his own family relationship steward.
why does he need to when you do it for him?
Let him know that you will no longer be reminding him, but that your job is not to manage him. If he misses his mom’s birthday, then he misses her birthday. He’s an adult. Gve him advance notice, and then let him be responsible. If he decides not to be responsible about it, then it’s not important to him.
I read all the comments expecting one to ask why in the world your mom would shop for birthday presents for your father’s coworkers, haha. Sorry, that made me lose sight of what you’re really asking about. Maybe it was that times were different?
Anyway, the advice you’ve already been given is spot on. He’s a grown man and has been dealing with his family his entire life, if he wants his family’s bdays to go by unrecognized, that’s his choice. If his mom gets mad that, too, can be handled by him.
I personally am awful with remembering birthdays. Always have been. Always will be. What helps is that I input all the birthdays in to Google calendar and it notifies me. The only person whose birthday I remember off the top of my head is my husband and that is because it’s a month and day before mine.
I don’t think it’s that uncommon for one partner to be the one who remembers birthdays and holidays. I’ve been married 29 years and I’m definitely the one who takes care of all these kinds of things. I really don’t care, it’s not like a huge inconvenience to me. My husband’s family IS my family and they are just as important to me as they are to him. I’m sure there are a lot of things that my husband concerns himself with that I don’t. Not because I’m incapable of doing it, just because he’s always done it, and it would be redundant for both of us to do it (like remembering to have the furnace cleaned every year, cleaning the gutters, updating my security software, keeping track of things like the city’s yard waste dates, haz mat days.) I always find that if I’m getting annoyed at inconsequential things, it’s usually something bigger that is causing the resentment. But that’s me. If you really don’t want to be responsible for family birthdays then just tell him that you’re not going to be responsible for that anymore. You could throw him a bone and give him all the dates so he can enter them in his calendar — or if they are already in your calendar, just share the dates with him.
INFO: is it an expectation in his family?
I’m from a big family and only my parents acknowledge my birthday and i only acknowledge theirs, not my siblings, nieces or nephews. My husband’s family is small. Birthdays are a big deal and we go out of our way for his sister because she does the same for us. It unnerved my husband at first but now he sees it’s just how we do life. is he asking you to manage this or are you taking it upon yourself
I’ll be honest. I’m the forgetful one, while my husband has an eidetic memory and loves planning elaborate gift and surprises for me. I’m TERRIBLE with remembering special dates unless I put them in my phone with multiple reminders set up (which I have done for all the important people in my life). But I am also the primary planner when it comes to gifts for other people. He contributes when I prompt him but if I didn’t prompt him, he would probably ignore gifts for everyone but me, lol.
My parents had the same dynamic yours did. Mom did all the emotional labor and my dad still can’t remember my birthday 9 times out of 10 (I turn 40 in Feb. I don’t think he even knows what age I’m turning, lol).
I have a Google birthday calendar that I put people in as annual repeating events. If your husband wants reminders you can start one of these it’s very low maintenance once you have put birthdays in there for a year. If he doesn’t follow up on birthdays that is kind of his problem to deal with. Maybe it’s just not important to him. And maybe that is OK?
He owns this problem, not you.
Sure, my husband is pretty forgetful about his family’s birthdays, and casual about whether he gets them gifts or not. His family are his responsibility, so it’s not a problem for me. I’ll text his family a happy birthday or something, but if gift giving amongst them isn’t that important to my husband, there’s no reason it should be important to me.
I remember only my wife’s and children’s. Anyone else is in my wife’s calendar.
I don’t buy the gifts for my husband’s family (a. because they aren’t really big on receiving gifts anyways and b. he’ll get them something if he notices something they would like) but I do remind him to call or wish them a happy birthday if I think about it.
I just don’t care enough about birthdays to remember. If people want me to know they’ll tell me. Why should I remember 10-20 family member bdays lol. I’m not going to so don’t get mad! I do remember my husband’s bday either before but sometimes after the actual day. I have other good qualities but this isn’t one of them.
I’m that guy no kidding. I have a hard time remembering that stuff. But now I use my phone to help me remember things. I still suck but I’m a little less sucky.
It’s called a smart phone and a calendar. He’s choosing not to remember.