My (F21) fiancé (M24) has moved back home four hours away from me. He will be there for a few months for some personal reasons.
He is devastated that we won’t be together for a few months but I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Things have been a bit tense between us and I’m having some personal reservations about our relationship that he does not know about. Being alone for the next few months sound like bliss.
I always clean up after him. I’m picking up his clothes, trash, making the bed, cleaning the house. He is extremely defensive with me and tells me I’m constantly angry or upset when I’ve done nothing out of the ordinary. I’m walking on eggshells when I talk to him because I never know when he will freak out and get defensive because he thinks I’m upset. He sleeps at very inconvenient times and I’m left to tiptoe around him at all hours of the day. Not only that but he is “always right” and even a little controlling. (He told me if he finds out I’ve drove the car by myself he will rip my license in half) I practically have to baby him. Tell him to shower, wash his hair, eat, go to bed. I clean his messes. He never cleans, never helps unless I ask. All he does is wakes up and plays video games. He does have a job but the hours are super sporadic and unreliable so he’s home most days. There is no romance in our relationship. All my attempts have failed and we’re shot down. I feel like I just have a room mate who kisses me.
We don’t go on dates despite my desperate cries for dates. We don’t spend much time together despite having lived with one another. Most days we do our own thing the entire day, ignoring each other. Except I’m stuck cleaning any mess he makes, dealing with his attitude or defensiveness.
I can’t help but feel so free and relieved now that I’m alone. For the first time in over a year I can be alone and do whatever I wanna do. I honestly worry that our time apart will make me realize I want to break up with him. Our wedding is in two weeks and I am freaking out. How come I’m so happy to be alone and he isn’t?
I’ve heard people tell me that it sounds like I’ve already broken up with him in my mind. The problem is MY car, my shoes, decorations, and collectibles are with him four hours away (I used to live there) and if I leave him there is no easy way to get that stuff back. I don’t know what to do. The wedding is in 18 days, we have so much paid for.
Idk if this is a lapse in judgement or if I’ve really checked out of this relationship and I’m kinda freaking out.
26 comments
No you’re feelings are valid toward him but this isn’t going to work. You sound like his mom not his partner.
I miss my wife when one of us is at work. If she was going to be gone for a month or more “bliss” is the furthest from what I’d feel. You shouldn’t be relieved to be away. Gl op.
If you are looking for validation to break off your engagement, here it is. Don’t tie your life to someone that treats you like that. You’ll regret it and I speak from experience. Listen to the voice in your head that’s telling you to break it off.
But don’t tell him alone. Don’t be alone with him after you tell him. Be safe.
Get your stuff before breaking it off, if you can.
Regardless of him being your boyfriend or fiance, overall this does sound more like you are his babysitter than his equal partner. If I were in your shoes, I’d rethink the whole relationship – you deserve to be with someone who can take care of themselves and spend time with you on doing things you both enjoy. You got this!
Do you really want to sign up for a life with this person? After getting married on paper, separating will be so much harder. As others said, try to get your stuff before saying anything to him, otherwise you might not get it back at all
It doesn’t sounds like you’re happy. Stop working about things being paid for and pressure happiness. Money and things are replaceable, your time here is not.
You know what you need to do. He is not a good partner, full stop. While the logistics of breaking up over distance suck, trying to get someone like him through the process of divorce will suck a thousand times more. And while I won’t minimize how much this is going to suck to get through, what I will say is this: you are resilient. You are capable. You can do hard things. You have had hard times before, and you made it through to the other side. And there will be many other hard times over your lifetime. This just happens to be one of them.
You are young right now. A lot of people say that as though it means that what you are going through isn’t serious or worth getting upset over. And that is horseshit. But it does mean that this event feels really big, because it represents such a big chunk of your life (you don’t say how long you were together, but assuming at least two years, it’s 10% of your time on earth) and there’s not a lot of other filler material to pad things out. Instead of just one thing that happened to you in a sequence of a lot of things, this feels like *the* thing, the only thing. But (and hopefully you are willing to take my word for this, until you can experience it for yourself) time and further experience will eventually put this event in its place in your timeline. It will become a *part* of your story, even if right now it feels like the whole damn thing. Other, equally important, events (plus a whole bunch of minor tragedies and triumphs) will happen, and make all of this easier to contextualize. So yes, this moment is hard. Breaking up with the person you thought was your life partner is a big fucking deal, and you aren’t misjudging that. But all of this *will* have its place in your story.
It also sounds like you have never had to break up with someone, so you haven’t learned this yet: once this flips from a question to a decision, you will feel *relief*. Right now, it still feels up in the air, but there will be a moment where you have really decided, and all that remains is logistics. When that comes, you will feel like the weight that has been hanging over your head for a year has been lifted.
As for your fiance: don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty about the mismatch. You too would feel the inconvenience of losing your live in maid/mommy/therapist/personal assistant/sex doll, who does everything for you and requires nothing in return. But he’s not missing *you* as a person (he doesn’t *see* you as a person- you’re a background character and he’s the protagonist. If you were a person, he’d consider your needs and wants important enough to heed) he’s missing all of the comforts you provide him. So of course he feels differently about living apart than you do. And you can fully expect him to be upset about losing your services permanently. But remember that he’s not upset about you, he’s upset that his source of unpaid emotional and domestic labor is no longer available to him.
If you want help working through the planning and logistics of breaking up, I’m happy to talk that through with you, either here or in a DM. Best of luck to you <3
You have convinced me that you are so much better without him. However, you don’t want to be without him. You want to marry him. So now, please convince me that your life will be better if you get married. I’ll wait.
Marriage doesn’t fix a relationship. Marriage makes whatever situation you’re in permanent. Do you want this to be permanent?
Take it from someone who made exactly this mistake 20 years ago. Your relationship is not working and it’s probably not going to work. These things almost always are what they appear to be, we just refuse to recognize it.
Youre 21 years old. Don’t get fucking married. Holy shit.
Don’t marry, RUN.
I think your feelings are perfectly valid, if you’re not 100% happy with the thought of your impending wedding and life together, then you can’t go through with it. You’ll regret it and cause both of you more heartache. It does sound like youve made up your mind.
Go over to this place you call “home”), get your stuff and break up.
Or your life will be what you’ve just written, or worse. It won’t get better for sure.
You are sooo young. Dont marry him. Its even better he went away. All you have to do now, at least get your car back! If he doesnt return it, make a police report. But seriously dont marry that sorry dude.. forget whatever money you spent on the wedding. Its not worth it, its better than a divorce.
Just read as far as “walking on eggshells”: you need to nope right out, how can you live like that? Find someone you can relax with!
It’s as simple as this. Him going away has proved that your life is better without him. What you do with that information is up to you, but it’s a fact and you know it. He sounds like an awful person btw.
I’m sorry but your not his fiance your his new mommy…
Unless this is the life you want for the next however many years, please rethink this relationship.
If your having to clean up and baby him now then nothing will change once your married.
He is an adult you shouldn’t be having to tell him when to shower, go to bed etc, plus him saying he will rip up your driving licence if he finds out you’ve driven alone, this is huge and I mean huge red flag behaviour.
This is controlling (not just a little, a lot) and abusive.
Things will only escalate once your married. Trust me, ive been in your shoes.
Hence why he is so reluctant to have this time apart from you. He can’t control you completely if he isn’t around.
Please please rethink this relationship and walk away
For your own sanity and mental…
Call friends or someone you can trust to help you get your things back, move back etc. Don’t get married to someone you don’t love for people who don’t have to suffer the consequences.
I have friends I miss when I haven’t seen them for a while more than you miss your “fiance”.
You rent a Uhaul and take a friend or family member or two with you. You drive the 4 hours, end it and get your things back.
Often police will meet you there if it’s a situation where you feel you’ll be unsafe. They won’t do anything if nothing happens, there’s just there to prevent something happening or to act if it does.
>even a little controlling. (He told me if he finds out I’ve drove the car by myself he will rip my license in half)
Now that he is gone, it’s the perfect time for you to **change the locks on your house** and break up with him!
This isn’t “a little controlling”. This is completely, off the rails, controlling.
Why are you with this person? You’re happy he’s gone! Listen to your heart and your gut, OP.
Separate your finances and change all your passwords ASAP. and cancel that wedding! Getting married to this a-hole would be a huge mistake!!
Be smart and be strong!
The stuff is just stuff. Please break up if you want to. Marriage is much harder to get out of.
**Op, you rent a Uhaul and bring a few friends to help you gather your stuff and another person to drive your car back.**
**You call the non emergency police line at your old place and have an officer accompany you to retrieve your stuff**.
And pack up his stuff where you are at now and bring it to him.
Breakup with him. Block him and his family.
Don’t get married until you’re at least 25.
You get married to someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
This person lifts you up not tear you down. They get you what you need when you’re sick at 3 am. The cleanup your messes like your period when you have a blowout.
They always love and support you.
You should know what their stance is on a variety of important topics; kids, religion, jobs, end of life decisions, toxic people, tattoos, food, chores, pets.. like everything BEFORE you agree to marry someone. (I’ll admit that shit happens in life and people do change and that’s ok).
Op, this dude sounds lame.
Get your stuff and cancel the wedding
Do not marry someone who makes your life better by leaving it. Especially when you are barely an adult!
I didn’t finish this after I read the bit about ripping your license in half if you drive the car.
DO NOT MARRY THUS MAN!! He is a controlling abuser!!! The thing about guys like him is they get worse, never better. There’s a chance that one day, he’ll start hitting you and beating you. Please, don’t let that happen to you!
> if I leave him there is no easy way to get that stuff back.
I assure you, a couple friends & a u-haul are MUCH easier to arrange than a divorce. Will it be a fun day? No. Will it be dramatic? Probably. But then you’re DONE. If you’re concerned about safety, you can contact the local police and have someone come be present while you’re getting your things.
Wedding money is spent either way too. That’s not a good reason to go through with it either. You’ve listed NO positive reasons to marry him. Don’t do it.
>We don’t go on dates despite my desperate cries for dates. We don’t spend much time together despite having lived with one another. Most days we do our own thing the entire day, ignoring each other. Except I’m stuck cleaning any mess he makes, dealing with his attitude or defensiveness.
Man, this guy sounds like husband material!
EDIT: Just realized we’ve already talked about this, as you’re the same person who posted about [their fiancee sexually assaulting them](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wpjg1w/my_fianc%C3%A9_basically_sexually_assaults_me_and_its/) not long ago. Please, please, please don’t marry this man. I know it seems daunting because most of the wedding is already planned & paid for, but I promise: When you’re 50yo, in a loveless marriage with a man who sexually assaults you and doesn’t let you go places by yourself, you won’t be thinking, “well at least that wedding money didn’t go to waste.”
I don’t know how much renting a truck costs to go and get all your stuff. But I’m pretty certain that it is cheaper, and easier, than a divorce.