I am perfectly fine in social situations and quite confident when talking to people. But I never feel ‘connected’ on an emotional level and it just seems like conversation for the sake of talking. Everyone I talk to are basically acquaintances.
I’ve tried to be ‘proper’ friends with people before i.e. hang out with them outside work/school. However it just seems like effort for me.
How can I make a ‘proper’ friend lol?
1 comment
The answer is in your question. People make friends based on their emotional connections to others. (Confidence is important too, so that’s a great attribute for you to have going forward!) So you *don’t* feel connected on an emotional level. It’s a conversation ‘for the sake of talking.’ In other words, Stuck On Smalltalk (SOS!) and nothing deeper or more compelling happens.
Without having been there I will attempt to diagnose this from afar (possibly even ‘across the pond’ far, I’m guessing.) I think several things are missing: 1) An interest level on your part in the people whom you’re speaking with. You can’t just take a surface level interest in people and expect to go deep with them. You have to TRULY generate some interest (and show it!) in order to get some better/deeper stuff from them. So instead of “oh, that’s nice” or whatever, you follow up with a bit of enthusiasm. “Did you REALLY? How did you get INTO that? What happened NEXT? How did you FEEL about that?” etc. (notice all caps to add some emphasis/enthusiasm) They will be more likely to go deeper if they feel you’ve truly taken an interest. And if you hope to “make a friend” it makes SENSE to take more of an interest. Right?
For #2 I sense a lack of passion, perhaps even in talking about your own things. Whatever your passions are in life, you need to talk about them ENTHUSIASTICALLY. As if you really care (which you DO, right?), and would love to share a bit of info on (whatever it is). If you’re not used to expressing enthusiasm you may have to rev up your mental engines and start perceiving life in a more life-affirming way. And start EXPRESSING that. The same ’emotional tone’ of voice that we use with our pet dogs/cats also works favorably on people! (just tone it down a bit for people though, lol) This relates to anything you discuss, not just personal interests. You need a bit of passion for: yourself, other people, and Life Itself.
And #3 In order to go deeper with people it’s helpful to have something to reveal about yourself that is not just surface level. I’m NOT suggesting anything deep or dark from your past — that is more the stuff of close and trusting friendships. But I AM suggesting maybe letting a bit of info drop that shines more light into who you are. It can be VERY endearing to admit to things you’ve messed up (and are currently laughing about) because it’s both insight AND a sign of being very human, which people tend to relate to better than the Perfect Person Persona that many of us try to wear. But other sorts of personal stuff works too. Taking care of an aging parent. Dealing with a difficult neighbor or landlord. A minor health issue or injury. Something didn’t go as expected last week. etc. People feel closer to you if you reveal something (again, you don’t have to go too major on that) and feel more comfortable sharing something of their own.
Voilà! Friendship is started…