What questions to ask before marriage?

4 comments

1. Ask questions about their values, and see if they line up with your values. Now, you have to *know* what your values are first, so take the time to figure that out.

   Do you want children? If so, how many? It’s okay if not.

   How do you handle money and manage debt? What are your views of money?

   How are you with sex? Keep in mind that frequency in sex waxes and wanes within a relationship, but sexual compatibility is a must.

   These are the top 3 things couples fight about. You need to be able to have an answer for these questions and any other questions you want to ask a prospective partner.

   How do they view parenting?

   What are their future goals? Do their goals align with yours?

   Watch them carefully and see if they respect your boundaries and how they interact with their families of origin. *AND ALSO* how they let their families of origin *treat them, too*. You also have to watch out how your family treats you and interacts with you.

   Do they have the same values in honesty? Integrity? Do you feel *safe* with them and do they feel safe with you? The two of you should be fostering a relationship where *both* of you feel safe and secure in the relationship.

2. I believe there are certain “life goals” that you should share with someone you choose to marry.

   This doesn’t mean you are identical; you can have different hobbies and interests, be different in how you interact with others, etc. But there are things where you should be in agreement, and these are things you should discuss. For instance:

   * Children
   * Housing
   * Finances
   * Vehicles
   * Travel
   * Possessions

   Any of these has lots of sub-concepts. For example:

   * Do you want children or no?
   * If yes, how many?
   * Is there a spacing preference?
   * Is there an amount of time you want to be married before having children?
   * Is there an age past which you don’t want to have children?
   * What are your views on sharing care of a newborn (feeding, diaper changes, bathing, etc.)?
   * Will a newborn sleep in your room or their own room?
   * If in your own room, in a crib away from the bed or something closer to the bed?
   * Will you get your kids vaccinated?
   * How do you see disciplining an older child working?
   * What do you feel about their education? Private, parochial, or public school? Maybe home-schooling?
   * What about social life? Would you host sleepovers and birthday parties?
   * What sort of activities would you want to do with children? Museums, zoos, travel, gardening, etc.?
   * How important is it that your kids learn to do things on their own, like grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, packing for trips, etc.?
   * Do you want to send your kids to college? Will you help pay for it?
   * Would you charge rent to your adult children who live with you?
   * If your child wants to pursue an interest in something that doesn’t interest you, would you support them?

   A lot of this is simply talking about how day-to-day life would work. You each talk about how you imagine things would go, and compare. You try to see if you have overlap.

   Fundamental problems, like one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, are clearly a problem. Even the smaller topics can be pivotal — look at the idea of getting your kids vaccinated, for example.

   You don’t want to find this out *after* you’ve gotten married.

   So I think you should spend the time, years if necessary, to talk about all sorts of things. Consider housing: Own or rent? House or apartment? Urban, rural, or suburban? Is a house purchased for the rest of your life, or do you go from one house to the next because it is an investment?

   Talking about such stuff is how you discover interests. Ask your partner. See what’s important to them.

3. If you have any “dealbreakers” get them in writing. It sucks to be married for 6 months and get told “I never said that” or “I never agreed to that”.

4. Anything, and everything. Nothing should be off limits, because this is the person with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with. The more important thing is to actually listen to the answers.