This is something I’ve noticed in quite a lot of my friendships but the one that is hitting the hardest and most recently is with one of my closest friends (24m).
I don’t think the specific situation matters because it’s not one situation but kind of a cumulative thing I’ve noticed. This friend is one that when we’re good he makes me happier than anyone in the world and who I can be my complete self with, more than anyone else. However there’s a recurring theme of just feeling a bit .. let down and second best sometimes and it’s happened again over the past few days.
I have been busy so haven’t been replying to their texts (and haven’t really wanted to because the space has been good for clarity and makes me feel a little more in control) and they’ve noticed and have asked what’s wrong (and also apologised for “being a dick” but literally just said “sorry for being a dick” and that was all that was said). I usually reply and say “aw don’t worry about it” because I have spent a lot of time learning not to emotionally dump on people and have grown a lot in that respect.
But I now don’t know if it would be better/more mature/more healing to
1. tell them that it’s actually not okay and I don’t feel they are as good a friend to me as I am to them, or
2. just not bother and self-preserve.
I don’t want drama and I don’t want to push them away if I say something but I’m just a bit tired of constantly being there emotionally and physically when they need, and them not reciprocating it. Can any good come from saying something? Because my deep set anxiety about rejection and being a burden is telling me that if I say something he’ll just think “actually nah I cba to deal with this” and leave ):
Just for context and example, some of the things that he does that make me feel a bit crap are:
– cancels plans last minute to hang out with other groups of friends
– doesn’t reply when I need to talk, and just messages later like “you okay?” when I am always there to support him when he needs it
tl;dr: should I tell my friend he’s hurt me (again) or do I just accept it’s who he is and expect less than I do and move on?
5 comments
Why are you still friends with someone who is a bad friend? You can’t negotiate people to become different people. You find people who are decent people without needing coaching.
If you want to preserve a friendship, then you are obligated to talk about and work through the problems that come up. If you want to cut someone out of your life, then you can lie if you choose to and say something is fine when it isn’t, but it’s still not a very nice thing to do, because then they get cut off and are left wondering why. It’s better to be honest and say, yeah, it’s a problem for me, and I do not want to be friends anymore if you are cutting someone off because of something they recently did. You need to ditch the notion that lying about something being okay is nice or friendly, when it isn’t.
Someone who treats you this way is not your best friend. Maybe they are still a friend, maybe they are just an acquaintance. But certainly not a best friend.
All you have to do is treat them how they treat you. If they don’t respond to text very much, you put in an equal amount of emotional energy as well, and you respond just as frequently. If they never make it to the things that you arranged, stop making them.
You can think of this inside of your head as downgrading the friendship to something that is more like the actual effort that they put in from their end.
Here is a lesson that took me WAY too long to learn in life…
You can’t have a healthy relationship of ANY kind (friendship, romantic relationship, family relationship) if you are operating out of a place of fear. If you are worried that if you say the wrong thing (and that thing is justified and fair – and of course not mean or malicious) that they will walk away… then maybe you need to let them walk. It’s not at all healthy to be walking on eggshells, doubting yourself, analyzing your (or their) every move, etc. That’s by definition NOT being yourself and twisting yourself in knots to try to be what they want you to be rather than who you are.
Say your piece. If he walks, he wasn’t that good of a friend to begin with. A friend will value your friendship and try to see where you are coming from and adjust as well.
There’s a difference between addressing issues that need addressing, and keeping quiet about them while pretending they aren’t there. If you do the latter, those issues won’t disappear on their own — you’ll just be carrying the burden that should fall on the both of you to solve.
Likewise, there’s a difference between expressing legitimate concerns, and “drama”. If you feel like you can’t talk to him without him turning it into “drama”, is that really a friend?
>cancels plans last minute to hang out with other groups of friends
That’s just him being inconsiderate of your time and treating it (and you) like a commodity. He thinks you’ll tolerate anything and be there no matter how poorly he treats you. Does that sound like a friend to you?
>constantly being there emotionally and physically when they need, and them not reciprocating it
That’s what people typically call a fair-weather friend: people who are more than happy to ask for support but won’t return it when it’s asked of them. And with people like that, you either accept them as they are or part ways with them.
I don’t think there’s much of a point in talking to him. I mean, it _could_ be a wake-up call for him, but chances are that it won’t and he’ll just call you “needy” or something like that.