so me (21F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for less than a year and its been absolutely amazing. we moved in together in july and things started to get a little rocky, which i expected since i knew we moved in together a little early compared to other people. our relationship started out as fwb and i very quickly fell in love with him but, right off the bat, we had a conversation about how i wasn’t sure if i wanted to have kids biologically one day, i expressed my deep love and desire to adopt children one day but he was persistent about having children of “his own”. we’ve had a few conversations about it throughout the relationship but two nights ago he sat down and told me that if i couldn’t decide on having kids or not, he was gonna have to break up with me and find someone who did. i was immediately hurt and upset because i’m only 21, still in school, and have only been dating him for less than a year. he knows that i have a LOT going on in my life, with my family, and dealing with a lot of personal and mental issues, i told him there was no way i could give him an answer on that when i don’t even know what i’m doing after graduation. so now he says he has to decide whether or not to stay with me and continue with the life we have and wait to see if i change my mind with time or break up with me to find someone else. i am absolutely crushed, i have done nothing but be there for me and support him through so much yet he can’t have a little patience and just explore our relationship as it is right now. i tried to explain to him that a decision as big as that takes time and it’s hard to decide that when you’ve only been together for a relatively short amount of time. i love him so much and it’s killing me to be in this limbo where i’m not even sure if we will be together by the end of the week. i apologize if this post is a little all over the place but any advice would be appreciated!
25 comments
Hate to say it but sounds like its just an excuse for breaking up with you.
Looking to settle.down with someone who has already decided on kids at 23? Nah, sorry, don’t buy it.
Don’t get sad, get angry!!! He’s playing you and wanting you to bend to his way or the highway. Well, call his bluff, tell him that if that is the hill he wants the realtionship to die on, here’s the hiking boots and have a nice life.
You have a future with someone who actually listens and respects you and your wants to live…..
It doesn’t really sound like you two have a future together, He wants assurances that you will be willing to have his kids in the future, and you don’t want to but you want to keep him. This is a classic case of incompatibility. You two are not compatible in the long run or even the near future.
You want him to stay with you because you think he will get over having kids “of his own” but he’s pretty sure you aren’t going to change your mind, hence the near ultimatum. The best thing you can both do is to agree to part ways amicably and then find people who are compatible to date.
If it ever comes down to the person your with having to “chose” between you and another option or breaking up. Just leave because the person your supposed to be with will always tell you it’s you. They will be the right person and ready to be with you, no decision needs to be made. It will always be you.
If you don’t want to because you are not ready, thats ok. Just let him go so he can seek what he is looking for. Having kids at a young age is overrated. I bet once he actually becomes a parent he will wish he had waited. Thats just how it goes. Best wishes to you!!
Don’t guilt trip him into staying and going against what he wants. It shouldn’t matter what you did for him and how much supported him. To use that as leverage is manipulative.
I’m sorry that you are going though this. Unfortunately he already knows that he wants biological children. He is 23, so if he wants kids in the next few years, he doesn’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t sure. You may want it in a few years, but it’s a gamble, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to take that gamble if you end up not wanting kids when he could be dating someone who does.
This is painful for you now, but why should he invest his emotions and heart with you and find out years from now that you still don’t want children? That would be heartbreaking for both of you. The two of you don’t seem to be compatible at this time. Some people don’t want what ifs. Apparently that’s him. You are both young and have plenty of time to find someone else who shares the same goals and desires. There is someone out there who feels the same as you. Good luck!
Please don’t have biological kids for a man you’ve known less than a year… you should only do it if it is what YOU want for yourself
This scenario happened to me, OP. I was in college and met the person I would marry when I was 19–I wasn’t sure about bio kids, but he wanted kids.
These types of disagreements about the future of the relationship suggests a huge compatibility issue, and it won’t improve with time. The differences can become bigger and more problematic. In my case, I realized I really didn’t want bio kids, and the feelings of resentment about the situation destroyed our relationship… I’m 30 and just finalized the divorce this year.
There are people who will suit both of you better, and it’s easier to cut your losses now than wait to see if your desires change. I know it’s hard to think about, but I wish someone had told me this when I was your age. Best of luck.
>been together for less than a year
😕
>we moved in together
😧
>things started to get a little rocky, which i expected since i knew we moved in together a little early
😔🙄
You don’t even know each other, as you both are now woefully aware of. It’s no surprise that things are crumbling all around.
Too much, too soon. If he’s not invested in the relationship any more, which seems blatantly apparent, then there’s nothing you can do.
Trying to hold onto him will only push him further away, u/rhea387.
Deciding weather you should stay with someone who doesn’t want to have kids is something that demands you to be selfish for your own happiness and to avoid resentment if you choose to stay. Seems he knows what he wants already and isn’t willing to risk wasting any more time with someone who doesn’t share the same values in having children together and still may not in the future even if he waited. Ultimately his decision is undersandable.
You are not compatible. No matter how much you love him, children are one of those dealbreakers when all people in the relationship are not in agreement.
You should not feel forced to make up your mind if you are not ready to do so. You should not feel forced to carry biological children if you don’t want to. Likewise, your BF know that he wants biological children and staying with you puts him in a limbo state he clearly doesn’t like.
Let him go with love and grace, because the path the two of you are on is leading to resentment and unhappiness. Mourn the loss of the relationship and then do the things you know you want to do and things you want to deal with.
Aaaaannnnd that’s why you don’t move in with someone you’ve been dating for less than a year :/
Everything you said about a big decision taking time? That’s the best advice anyone can give you, you should apply it to your living arrangement.
You aren’t even dating him? You started out as FWB and then you started feeling more… and seems like he is just going along with it. I’m sorry because you must like him a lot. But you aren’t compatible and if he’s telling you that he has to decide whether to make this huge life decision in order to be with you… it’s probably going to be an answer of letting your relationship go. 🙁
I feel like the main issue is that you don’t want biological but you have a strong desire to adopt children, But your boyfriend wants biological children. Did he stated clearly that he wants kids now or a few years? You have not made that clear since you said ” We had a conversation about how i wasn’t sure if i wanted to have kids biologically one day, i expressed my deep love and desire to adopt children one day but he was persistent about having children of “his own”.
You have expressed that you want adopt children one day but your boyfriend is persistent on wanting biological children. Is that the main issue here or am I misunderstanding?
I guess there’s no one wrong in this situation. He wants kids, you don’t, and however you feel about him, feelings are an easy thing to forge and shouldn’t be trusted. Being rational, is easy to see that would be better for both of you find someone esle with similar ambitions and choices for life.
Maybe you could research antinatalism? many are of the belief that wanting “children of your own” (unless your desire is also to experience pregnancy, which is valid) to be inherently unethical/selfish
it is insane of your boyfriend to ask you to decide on this when you are both so young, and I commend you for being so passionate about adoption. I am sure you will make a WONDERFUL adoptive parent one day (although it will hopefully be without this dude), and I wish you the very, very best of luck with your studies!
Good for him! He was completely forthright and honest with you what he wants out of the relationship. You don’t want the same things. Relationship is over.
It hurts, but he’s being reasonable. You’re not.
To many mind games so early
I get that this sucks, but he is well within his right to make this decision. Some people are absolutely sure they want/don’t want kids their entire adult lives, and some don’t realize one way or the other until later in life. He’s the former, you’re the latter, that’s incompatible for a serious relationship.
I was also the latter until very recently. My current boyfriend is very very set on kids and it has always been very important to him. I was positive I didn’t want them until, honestly, I finally met a man I would love nothing more than to be a family with at an age where I feel more sure about things like myself and the future. I’m 27, he’s 23, had he met me even a year or two ago we would not have worked out at all. It just is what it is.
Yeah it sucks and it hurts but this is an absolutely major difference and from his perspective, I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to waste anymore time. The most heartbreaking breakups are the ones between two people who love each other deeply but have irreconcilable differences, but it happens. That just happens to be in the situation you’re in.
Let him go. And in the future, don’t start a serious relationship (let alone move in with) someone who you do not see eye to eye with on such important topics. It will only lead to pain one way or the other. When you’re older and more sure of yourself and what you want for your future, you’ll find someone you’re compatible with. He’s just not that person.
Don’t manipulate him into thinking he’s doing anything wrong by coming to this realization and deciding to act on it.
Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want in relation to kids, but neither of you is being fair in how you’re dealing with it.
Ultimately, you aren’t compatible on this issue and it *is* worth breaking up over. You moved in together too soon.
Tbh at that age neither of you fully know what you want yet when there’s so much left to figure out. If he’s already wanting to look elsewhere then there’s no point holding onto this when it’ll always be at the back of his mind.
When you want someone you should have those thoughts
Okay 2 things
1. I know what he said hurts, but he’s actually being responsible by telling you that if your life goals don’t align then the relationship shouldn’t continue
2. He’s also being kind of an ass keeping you in limbo, I would talk to him and give him a time limit to decide what he wants for the sake of your own mental health because not knowing what’s gonna happen is torture. Give him what you consider a reasonable amount of time and tell him if he hasn’t decided by then you’ll move on because you’re not going to be his option while you make him a priority.
I know this is painful, but sometimes you have to try to remove emotion and attachment from the equation and look at things through a different set of lenses.
Try to imagine this is happening to your friend or family member and think about what you would advise them to do in that situation and follow through with that course of action.
I actually think it’s mature of your boyfriend to be so direct and saying what he is looking for. It’s unfortunate that it puts pressure on you, but he’s well within his rights to not want to continue to invest in a relationship that may be going nowhere.
It sounds like he feels ready for a whole bunch of stuff you aren’t anywhere near ready for. You’re at completely different stages of life. That’s a natural time for a relationship to end.
Nobodies fault. Just at very different stages of life.