Hi. I am 23(F) and my ex 22(M). We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years up until last night when he broke up with me. We are each other’s first loves, and the relationship was the most fairy tale-like, amazing, purest thing ever.
We got engaged about 2 months ago. This is something we talked about often and planned for. We agreed to stay engaged for about 2 years till both of us had jobs and felt financially OK. After that, we always talked about how we’d like to have kids sooner rather than later ( lets say, a year after being married). That was the goal.
Since the engagement, he sort of … shifted his goals. Suddenly he wanted to continue his education later and get a doctorate (yay! So proud of him). I would be fully done with school at 25 years old. He would be fully done around what? 30?
Anyway, since we were engaged it was even more time to start discussing our future plans. I know we are young… but… we were always on the same page about kids. He suddenly began telling me about 1 month ago that he’s not sure about how he feels about having kids at the time frame we discussed because of his future school goals, and then he went back and forth over the course of the month saying “yes i want them, can we just wait? , ” actually i dont know if i want them at all” back to ” I want them i just want them much later ” then ” I dont know “. We have had multiple conversations about it. I told him I will compromise and wait till hes done with school, or like the last year of his doctorate program. It wasnt set in stone as to what age i’d have them. But i was willing to wait as long as it meant we’d stay together, and one day , hopefully at a healthy age, we’d have kids. He knows i still preferred them younger. However, I told him i am willing to compromise as long as he is too.
What bothered me the most initially was the fact that he may never want them. I highly doubt that is true knowing who he is. I understand he is career oriented and i was willing to sacrifice.
I also have to note that he has a mother who tells him to “finish school! Make lots of money! You can have kids later! Enjoy life and travel when you’re done with school!” Not only that but he takes her words very seriously.
Despite our differences, I am very much head over heels IN LOVE with him. He is the ONLY thing that makes me happy. My future included HIM.
He also tells me how he wants to enjoy life with me, and he cant picture traveling, etc, etc without me.
This conversation has been a huge dark cloud over us.
I finally proposed something to him which was ” Since i would be done with school way before you, meaning I’d be working and hopefully saved enough money for child care, and everything a baby would need, would you be open to having them around 30?, considering we are (me) financially OK to have the baby while you’re in school?”
He said yes… then i guess he thought about it some more and ultimately ended things with me last night. It was a horrible, depressing, heart wrenching thing. He started crying an insane amount, i obviously started crying as if someone died. I cant even try to write down what we said to each other. But the main point was that he said we both want different things, and he doesnt want to waste my time. Then even more crying.
I packed all my things ( i slept over very often) rushed out the door in my pajamas giving him one last kiss and left.
Its been less than 24 hrs but i have texted him an essay basically expressing how i feel, how much i love him, etc. I texted him because i needed a sense of relief. I dont plan on texting him again.
I am in complete denial and think i am just having a nightmare. He was my BEST FRIEND. I was willing to wait a little bit longer because i love him. I am shocked and insanely confused why he thought breaking up was the best thing. First of all, we are YOUNG. How can we make decisions now for something in 10 years? I understand the topic of kids is a deal breaker for many. But i would rather work it out and at least say that i tried rather than giving up on a beautiful love. It feels silly to end a relationship over something that doesn’t even exist! He thinks we are very different. Different upbringings, values , etc. But only suddenly did he shift his values. I understand that and he has that right. But break up? so quickly? and now i am supposed to “move on” from someone who i know i will remember and love forever. I cant imagine a life without him in it.
He didnt respond to my text message and i don’t expect him to. Maybe one day he will talk when he’s ready. I am just so confused. I swear that he was in just as much pain as i was last night.
I dont know what to do. It feels like someone literally stabbed me in the chest. I am aching.
Is there a chance to get back together?
Also, I dont even want marriage or kids with anyone else. I cant even imagine being in bed with someone else, does he really think that leaving me means ill be married and have kids at the original timeframe i wanted? The chances of that are low – and plus, i swear when i say it was something i wanted with him only.
Also, i am shocked how someone can literally propose to me… telling me they want to be together forever…and break up with me without really trying or waiting till we at least were a little older.
9 comments
Sad to say but this is for the best. There are many things you can compromise on in a relationship (like for example, maybe we eat thai food sometimes and mexican food some other times) but kids are not one of these things.
You can not have just HALF a kid, and this kind of incompatibility will also just lead to further resentment/ pain.
I know it hurts, but this is for the best. Best of luck to both of you.
As you say, you are young and this is your first love. It’s going to be painful, but you will get through it. I promise that someday you’re going to think of this guy and you won’t even feel wistful.
It sounds like the engagement shook something loose for him – he took a step back from the “fairy tale” and took a look at what he wanted from life, and realized it was different than what the two of you were planning.
Obviously you can’t imagine life without him yet. You’re being hypocritical here, where you keep emphasising you’re young so you can’t know the future, yet you’re so adamant he’s the only one you will ever love.
If he’s really the only thing that makes you happy – that’s incredibly unhealthy and you should definitely try to change that.
It is absolutely not silly to break up over this. It’s not “something that doesn’t exist yet”. Well yeah – I would hope any couple that would have broken up over kids break up BEFORE the kids exist.
Of course you’re devastated, that’s okay. You need time to grieve the relationship properly. But you ARE young. You will have more opportunities in the future. It doesn’t matter if you can’t imagine being with anyone else at the moment. That’s normal.
Comes down to compatibility. You want kids and he does not know. You know he does not know as he gives you different answers every time. But it also reveals how much you’re asking and applying pressure. This pressure would eventually break him as you’re demanding an answer he doesn’t have.
Through this pressure You gave him an ultimatum which he made a decision on as most people seek preservation away from what’s weighing on them.
There’s a chance you’d get back together but you’d have to accept maybe never having children with him. If you want children it would be better to find someone more compatible with your desires
I say this as gently as I can, this is not a healthy relationship. You’re extremely codependent, and I won’t even get started on the other red flags I see in regards to this relationship. Please start therapy so you can work on the codependency, you’re not ready for a serious relationship until after that’s been sorted.
This relationship is over. You two aren’t on the same page. And I know it hurts, and grief takes time. But please work on processing that this isn’t something that can be fixed. And please respect both his decision and his space. It may not seem like it now, but it sounds like he’s actually doing what’s best for both of you.
Mommy’s boy and hats what he is.
You can’t really compromise with kids – either you have them, or you don’t. You definitely want kids, and he’s not sure. The only thing worse than him leaving you now is leaving you in 10 years after you’ve spent almost half your lives together.
If you are not sure that you want kids, and you’re dating someone who definitely wants kids, there’s only way that things will turn out ok – and that is change your mind and wanting children. If you cannot promise that, then you are committing a relationship where you have no idea if you guys are actually compatible. At that point, the kindest thing you can do is break up and hope each of you finds people who share the same life goals.
Sounds like he was getting cold feet on the entire relationship and the kids were a good reason to end it. He might just feel like he’s not in a place with his life to contribute to a relationship right now and wanted to focus solely on that. Y’all are just in very different places. No it’s unlikely y’all get back together.
Best part about having kids is making them.