Hello everyone, I [22M] like this girl [21F] , who is one of my closest friend. I have liked her since more than a year now, and I had confessed my feelings to her, we even went for a date, which was actually great, and was a perfect date for both of us. We are very similar yet different from one another, still, I love her more than anything.
We have been really close friends, she was there during my transition period and I feel indebted to her for that, I am actually grateful too, and so, when I confessed my love to Her, she denied it, and I had thought I was doing okay, but she told me yesterday, some of my actions were making her feel forced for a relationship, and she ghosted me, I hadn’t even realised that till yesterday. And with time we drifted apart, but there was not a single day I would not remember her, everything was different than before, but I missed her. And yesterday she asked me for a help (she texts me first only when she needs my help), and I can’t help myself but to reply to her.
Yesterday, she texted me for a help on her course, which I happily accepted, and after that we got into talking and I jokingly said I was still single and she could try me lol, but then she replied she was happy with being single and don’t want anyone(which I know is not true). And I don’t know how, I got vulnerable again and said that I was still trying to move on from this and she was like-” What’s there to move on? If there is no damage, there is nothing to move on. And about that, you caused me damages.” I was shocked hearing this I didn’t know what did I do and when I asked, she said,” I was blaming myself for what happened to you (like I said when I met her, I was in one of the worst phase of my life, and was mentally troubled and coincidentally, when she rejected me, I had started taking anti depressants), which clearly, wasn’t my fault.”
I never blamed her for anything, for any pain I felt at the time, but her words triggered me, that I had caused her damage, and I said everything about how I felt, what I went through after she ghosted, and how she texted me only when she needed my help. I let everything out and I said how much I still loved her and when I was talking about moving on, It wasn’t the damage but moving on from my feelings for you and I bursted out on tears, and how much I wished we could start this all over again and not fuck up again.
And she wanted to restart our FRIENDSHIP all over again. She clearly wants to keep me as a friend and I love her so much that I know I would fail to become just a good friend. I don’t know what should I do, should I try being friends with her? Or should I cut her off and try moving on? I know she does really care for me, and I do too, but all this is so complex.
tl;dr: I love a girl, who happens to be my close friend, and I am in a friendzone, and I cannot move on from her whilst she is in my life, she still wants me as a friend and I don’t want her just as a friend. I don’t know what to do.
4 comments
She has made it crystal clear on multiple occasions that she’s not interested. It sounds like you aren’t able to be friends without always expecting more, so my advice would be to cut ties.
You’ll probably have to distance yourself from her if you can’t handle just being her friend
When you’re in this situation imagine someone you’re not attracted to and don’t want a relationship with (if you’re not bi then imagine it’s another man). Now imagine you’re friends but they’re crazy about you. They ask you out several times. They want you so bad. They feel like you might change your mind if only you knew how much they wanted you. You get on well with them but definitely don’t want to take it further. Is there anything they can do to change your mind? No. Further come-ons just make them look desperate and make you uncomfortable.
As a young fella once, I too have been a situation similar to that, and I still wince at it when I think about it. So, I think I can help a bit.
You say she was there for you in a troubled time in your life, and that you are in “love” with her. Okay, Let’s break this down. You probably don’t have many intimate personal relationships with people, and that can be confusing. Especially when it comes to men, us guys don’t really get involved in friendships that are on a highly personal level, there are friendships, but there is that barrier. Women however can and do explore those more frequently. So what you’re feeling is probably a bit of confusion between a platonic love and a romantic love. You don’t know her in a romantic sense, you have the platonic aspect of it, and it is crossing wires into thinking the two are the same. It happens a lot, so you’re not alone in this.
It is fair for her to be put off by this, it can also be frustrating as well, she’s not into you, and you’re giving off vibes that make you unattractive. You’re doing yourself and her a disservice, by maintaining the friendship as it stands.
So what should you do? Work on yourself. Build up your interpersonal skills, and learn how to differentiate romantic from platonic. Make your intentions known if you are interested and if they aren’t reciprocated learn how to accept it and move on. You are going to be rejected a lot in life, and if you can stand tall and put your shoulders back you will become more attractive and seen more as a potential partner, especially if you are upfront with your interest and intentions. This is life, not some rom-com. People are much more complex than that.
You need to end your friendship with her because it isn’t healthy, and it sucks for everyone, sometimes that happens. But you need to watch out for yourself, and as long as you’re harboring these feelings you cannot be a true friend. Because you’re not her friend per se, you’re a guy who is close to her but not respecting her boundary. Until you get rid of that mentality you won’t be able to move on, and you’ll just end up making yourself, and ultimate her miserable. Look out for yourself, it’s okay to be selfish when it comes to self improvement, you’re not her knight, she’s a grownup and she can deal with it.