When I start seeing someone I really like and we’re having sex and cuddling, the once rational, level-headed woman I am becomes a fucking crazy person. It’s literally like a drug. When I’m with the guy and we are cuddling, nothing could possibly feel better. And when I go home, it’s like going through withdrawals. I make crazy decisions, I get anxious… basically I lose my chill.
I’m wondering if there are ways to regulate this release of oxytocin that is clearly causing this craziness. When googling this phenomenon, the internet generally gives advice as if we want more oxytocin, bc oxytocin makes you feel good so why wouldn’t you want more of it? But I feel like what I need is a way to regulate it, so that the highs aren’t as high and the lows aren’t as low.
One thing I’ve found to help is exercise, which I guess releases endorphins to make you feel good in a different way. I wonder if there are any supplements or certain nutrients that can help as well? Basically, I don’t want answers like, don’t have sex, or just change your thinking about it, or whatever. I am already working hard to adjust my thoughts around this, but I do think there is more at play here than just me being unable to control my feelings. Hormones can have a powerful effect and it’s not easy to just will yourself to feel differently. Oxytocin is released when a mother breastfeeds her infant. It’s a powerful evolutionary mechanism that is not easy to overcome! Any tips or advice is welcome.
13 comments
Unfortunately I don’t think there is. You can try less cuddling, or sex with more people so you can get your fix multiple places. Is there a reason you’re trying to regulate the feelings instead of leaning into them, is the guy not getting as attached?
Honestly, that just sounds like anxiety.
Try some relaxing supplements. I use one called gabapentin. It helps with anxiety in general, I take it before bed.
If exercise works for you, that’s great. Definitely try some focused breathing exercises, similar to what you’d practice for anxiety or stress. Yoga or meditation could be good.
But ultimately, like it or not, I do think it’s more about your thinking around it. Like you say, it’s a strong evolutionary force and it’s a great feeling, but the crazy decisions are still your choice and you can adjust and disrupt that pattern. Like another commenter said, having sex with more than one person can help in that you won’t attach it all onto one person for better or worse. You might also need more time in between meeting up and sleeping with that person, and use that time to proactively switch your focus to other activities and priorities, to let the rush of feelings subside more before the next time.
Sorry to tell you this but getting anxiety when being separated has little to do with Oxytocin withdrawal, this is your reaction to a (still) insecure attachment to a new person and your reaction to this insecurity is largely dependent on your attachment style.
You don’t really go into detail what “crazy decisions” you make and what your anxious thoughts are about, but I would bet 10 bucks if you look up “anxious-preoccupied attachment” you would recognise yourself. I would not be surprised if you are someone who experienced painful abandonment in the past.
You’re feeling great with the guy because he -in the moments you are together- is making you feel a secure attachment to him, but once he is out of sight, there is nothing giving you this reassurance anymore, because your sense of security comes from him and not from within yourself. So then your anxiety is going rampant because by yourself it doesn’t feel safe anymore. You loose your chill because you attached to someone and your anxious self goes into “trying to avoid abandonment at all cost” mode.
People with a secure attachment style are able to deal with these things -the insecurities of newly formed relationships and relationships in general- in a healthy way, not because they are sure abandonment won’t happen, but because they know they will be able to deal with it if it happens.
It is possible for you to develop a secure attachment style, but you will need to do the opposite of what you’re trying to do know. You say you are trying to control your feelings but what this means is “I am trying to stop feeling what I feel, it’s annoying and I don’t want to deal with it anymore”. But this never ever works, you will have to first allow yourself to have these feelings, not judge and suppress them. You’re really judging your feelings very harshly, but no healing will come from that. Accept them, explore them and try to understand where they are coming from. This is work you can do with a good therapist, too. It helps because we can become blind to our own defenses and a therapist can help work past them.
What you describe is anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Hormones absolutely play a role but you are having thoughts that you don’t like and can’t control which isn’t ideal. Treating it with supplements is only going to be successful if you have a deficiency that is a contributing factor. This isn’t completely unlikely… vitamin d and iron deficiency caused pretty significant depression and anxiety for me. But you need to have labs drawn to know whether you have any deficiencies that need corrected with supplements. But even if some kind of supplement helps it will likely also require some sort of work on redirecting thoughts and regulating emotions. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s unlikely that a pill or eating certain nutrients will completely resolve this issue for you.
I misread this as “how to regurgitate these feelings” and I felt like I could somehow relate to that.
As a guy I never get these feelings. I do develop affection and love but it takes about 4-6 months of regular dating and it’s a slow, linear progression.
I always get weirded out by people I date (some of them on an agreed casual basis) getting super emotional after sex in the early stages. Is it common?
I experience similar things to you. I find taking GABA (to calm) and tryptophan (to make happy) help me a lot to feel more balanced. On top of the usual things, like therapy and deep diving into my attachment style etc.
I’m similar. That’s why I wait with intercourse because I get pretty bonded when I like the person.
I know you don’t want to hear not having sex, but the sec and the cuddling are literally what’s causing it. As you said, oxytocin is a powerful evolutionary mechanism to become attached to that other person.
It’s like asking how to stop getting dopamine from doing something rewarding.
Really, just waiting to have sex/be intimate with someone until you’ve both developed emotional intimacy and bonding is the thing that will regulate/slow down that oxytocin train until you’re both ready to get on it.
Is there a place where I can buy some of this.
Pia Mellody “Facing Love Addiction” comes to mind.