My 20f bf 20m of one year got a message from his friend (another girl) who he used to basically be in love with and she asked him to play games with her on her birthday. Her words were ” I wanna play games with my bestest friend” and he said yes. She’s caused problems for us before. She used him for money and would send him nudes so he’d give her money, he gave her hundreds overall. He had her nudes saved on his phone for years.
I’ve made my concerns to him very clear and he hasn’t listened. He still insists on being friends with her and spending time with her. He just won’t listen to what I say and all my friends have said that he needs to get rid of her cos he’s with me now. He doesn’t need her in his life. But he still insists and makes me feel bad when I bring up my concerns. What do I do. I’m just so stuck. I’ve even been thinking about ending the relationship over this. Because no matter what I say he won’t listen. Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: I spoke to him and it didn’t go well. Which is partly my fault because I brought it to him at a bad time. But it needed to be said. He said he wasn’t coming down to see me until I had “calmed the fuck down” and he denied having any history with her. He eventually said he was still going to come down. And I spoke to my dad about the issue and he’ll be raising his concerns as hes seeing how this is negatively impacting my mental health. And in turn if its affecting mine then it’ll affect his too. I’ll update tonight when we’ve all spoken properly.
37 comments
He has no basic respect for you
There is probably some kind of motive on her part. Likely money, but maybe she just likes messing with you both. She knows what she’s doing, that it is obviously causing a problem. She doesn’t respect your relationship, and neither does he. She knows that he’ll come running because he wants her and she can lead him on for personal gain
He is being disrespectful to you by even allowing this to happen. It sounds like he’s not fully committed to you at all, if he won’t respect you on something like this, you should probably consider if he’s someone you want to spend any more time on
I get you, you’re so valid for feeling this way. I’m 21F and am in a similar situation though the reasoning is different, and the patterns are clear. If you’re voicing your concerns to him and he still does not listen, then it may be time to start thinking about your own well being and what will make you happiest in the long run. Sometimes the urge to try to stop or control the situation can be difficult to shut down, but at the end of the day no matter how much you like him, someone who doesn’t respect you, your feelings, or your boundaries isn’t worth being with. I’m guilty of all this too, I’m still in this relationship as well after feeling this way for months, but I’ve been realizing over time that my well being should be my first priority, and I think yours should be for you as well. If you think that you’ll be happier without him, let him go! He’ll go backwards to his own bad habits and you can be free to grow without the stress of his actions weighing you down. Don’t put up with anything you aren’t comfortable with and know that you are worth more.
I’m afraid there’s more going on than he’s letting on but I fear you may suspect this too.
You need to sit him down and redefine relationship boundaries and say this is unacceptable.
Tell him how much it hurts you to be in this position.
If he knows what’s good for him, he will tow the line.
You may need to prepare for an answer you don’t like too, however you stay true to yourself and your principals.
I wish you well and let us know how you get along.
Happy Hump Day btw 🙂
You should end the relationship, it’s obvious he doesn’t respect your feelings on the situation and that would be bad enough in itself. However, the fact was/is(?) in love with this girl and she’s caused issues in your relationship already is even more of a reason to end it. He’s too dumb and lovestruck to realize she’s using him. Talking to him again will change nothing, it’s very obvious he’s still holding a candle for this girl.
> She’s caused problems for us before.
Sounds like you need a new boyfriend. Your current one disrespects your relationship every time he hangs out with someone you know he has an active crush on he never moved past.
he is making you feel bad so he doesn’t feel bad. he is infatuated with her. he will cheat on you given the first opportunity. save yourself the heartbreak now and find someone who isn’t easily distracted by a “bestest friend”. you don’t need reddit to tell you what should be very obvious
He treasures her over you. If you were just friends then maybe but you are supposed to be his girlfriend so nope. You know what you need to do
Sever. You arent stuck you’re just dating the trash man
Apparently your BF is her bestest OF fan.
If you’re not comfortable about it, and you’ve told him that. Hands down he should not go. It’s as simple. If he Dosent really respect what you feel. Then you may have to let go.
>he denied having any history with her.
But he had her nudes? Where he got those if he didn’t have any history with her?
You need to sit down and talk to him out of this. I can totally empathize with him. He needs to realize that he has a woman who loves him and he must move on from his ex. Sometimes people tend to go back to their ex because they feel the need for closure. But he needs to understand that she is his ex for a reason. He might be fantasizing about her and building an image of her in his mind that’s not real. He should realize that grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Be respectful and objective when you’re telling him this. You do not want to come across as controlling.
If you feel he’s emotionally cheating with her you need to leave with whatever self respect you have. This might be painful but it’s essential. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you back.
he’s a loser, leave
Leave him. If the opportunity presents himself he’s going to cheat. You aren’t going to change his mind, it’s like beating a dead horse
Why are you with a loser?
He’s TRASH. Break up with him immediately. He wants to hang out with his crush who he’s seen naked, and IGNORES your feelings to make her happy? Nah. He’s either cheated already, or going to cheat. Save yourself the heartache and dump him.
The most simple way to put it.
This is who he is and shown himself to be. Is this the type of man you want to date and have as a partner in life?
You can’t force someone to change, but you can choose who you spend time with.
Why did you bring your dad into it? This should be between the two of you, not your family and friends. I understand the need to talk, but the more people involved, the more drama. If you feel second to her and he won’t listen, you can 1) put up with it and keep being upset 2) continue to fight about it 3) break up with him and show him you deserve to be first, not play second fiddle. There may be other options, but these are the main ones that came to mind.
If he doesn’t have history with her, it is because she can string him along without it.
He is not old enough to have got over a crush. It can take years, especially when the other person is cunning and gives him just enough attention to keep it alive.
The question is if you are happy being #2 in his heart, knowing #1 does not love him right now. But if you are considering marriage, and he is successful, when #1’s looks start to fade, she will try to steal him, so do you want to be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life?
Your 20s is the best decade of your life to be single, because there is no shortage of other single people with loads of free time.
Girl, I would freaking block him on everything. Do you really want to stick around knowing that he has something for her?! If I were you he would never see my face again!
This should be a hard boundary for you. If he goes there it’s as a single man. After all the trouble she has caused this should not be a difficult decision for him.
DTMFA.
“She’s caused problems for us before. She used him for money and would send him nudes so he’d give her money, he gave her hundreds overall. He had her nudes saved on his phone for years.”
Naw he’s the one causing problems by being a sad pathetic little boy. So he did this while dating you? If so, get out of there. If not, get out of there because he’s still stuck on this girl
He doesn’t even like you. Why are you with him? He still like that girl. Your so young. Go find another man. Break up!!
Toss the whole relationship in the trash. There are thousands of men who won’t do this. He’s in complete denial.
She just wants him around on her birthday because she wants someone who she knows will spend money on her. He’s weak for her manipulation
for years?
Does your boyfriend have child porn stashed somewhere?
Same situation when I confronted him he went crazy I had so many bruises I need out and I’m realizing this I need out
Yikes. Not a good situation. Time for him to make a choice. This clearly isn’t something platonic he is pursuing.
Dump him. He has a crush on her and is not being faithful.
Sounds like he has no respect for your feelings and may even still be into this girl otherwise why is he this insistent? It ain’t right. Something sounds off there. Let your Dad have a crack at him. Dads know stuff and can get people to talk.
what do you do? he’s lying to you and breaking your boundaries. what else is there to do other than dump him?
I think you should end relationship with him like this. Im sorry my pal.
None of this mess is your fault, unlike your Edit where you say some of it is. Nope. BF is an immature, gaslighting dirtball. No future with him is going to look bright and sunny. You’ve already seen that he gives her money in exchange for nude photos. That’s the guy you want as a life partner? Get away from him, and get yourself some therapy to figure out why your self esteem is close to non-existent. He’s an emotional abuser, and you are a submissive victim: recipe for a disaster for you.
Clarify and I guess better get out of the relationship. I’ve been there, done that, and I ended up cheating. Regret it now, but yeah, he seems like what I was then. So get out of there.
Op, the guy isn’t even worth a post dump him you deserve better
I think you break up, he doesn’t care about you or your feelings.