(Cross-posted)
I either just made a good decision, or the worst decision of my life. And I just need somebody neutral to help me out.
Last night, I called off my 6 year relationship and we broke up.
Backstory. My girlfriend (27F) and myself (31M) have been together for 6 years, and living together for 5.
By most metrics we get along great. We don’t usually fight, we’ve never cheated, we’ve never been sneaky, or done anything to hurt the other. And we both enjoy our jobs and go to school, we live in a great city, we have a nice apartment, and we have a dog together.
In a nutshell, we have a pretty good thing going for us.
The problem starts with the fact that I don’t want kids. She knew that when we got together, and she admits she just hoped I would change my mind one day. But as she gets closer to 30, the pressure is setting in for her.
And for the last few months, she’s been not so nice to me, on edge, picking fights, and she admitted that it’s because she’s bitter. She’s bitter because she feels like she has sacrificed things for this relationship (admittedly true) and this is the one “small thing” I wont budge on.
I understand we both have to do what makes us happy, but it’s a real bummer. It seems crazy that we have to overturn our entire lives because of this one thing (albeit a big thing).
I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to lose my dog. But I don’t see another way out.
So I just want some anecdotes, or advice, or shaming, really whatever you’ve got so I can feel like I’m not in this alone. I don’t think anything will change, but yanno.
Thanks in advance everyone.
Tl;dr- Awesome long term relationship falls apart because I don’t want kids.
Update- Not that a ton of people were engaged in this post, but I have an update.
Her and I had a long talk last night about where we are at. We live in a HCOL city, and leaving isn’t really an option. Because we ended things on good terms, and have the dog, we are going to ride it out til the end of our lease. Or until one of us is financially stable enough to leave. We acknowledge that we aren’t going to work. But are emotionally mature enough to be friends. (also, neither of us are interested in dating anytime soon, so no concerns of bringing other people home)
Tl;dr- Going to keep living together, but that’s okay.
And thanks to everyone who reached out, I knew this would happen one day, and some kind and truthful words reminded me I was doing the right thing.
7 comments
You did the right thing. I know it’s got to be SO difficult but kids are an all in or not. You’re not. It’ll be ok.
Assuming you are both set in your views on children, right decision. I’m so sorry that you and her don’t agree on this. But it’s just one of those things where it’s impossible to find a happy compromise. She will grow increasingly resentful and regretful if you have it your way, you will be locked into a lifelong commitment you never wanted if you have it her way. Both situations are unfair to both of you and the latter would be unfair to any kids you have too. Sure, there’s a small chance one or the other of you might grow to accept and even enjoy what you never thought you would. But it’s a big thing to bet on.
You’re not alone. A good friend of mine went through a divorce over the same issue when his now ex-wife changed her mind on wanting kids. It was really rough but he moved past it and is now happily with a new girlfriend. Wishing you the best of luck.
You did the right thing, after she did the wrong thing for years. Kids or no kids is a classic deal-breaker. There is no compromise on it, and even if everything else works, it often destroys a relationship. She should not have stayed with you in hopes you would change your mind. She should not have pressured you to have a child you do not want, as that is not only bad for you, but it would be cruel to the child if you had agreed. If she wants a child that badly, she needs to not be in a relationship with someone who does not want a child.
Clearly, custody of the dog will be the big issue here. Hire a lawyer?
You did the right thing.
Having children is not a “small thing.” It is a lifetime commitment and one person should never pressure another into taking that on. You did the right thing.
You did the right thing. She knew you didnt want kids, she “wasted” her own time by allowing herself the hope that you would change your mind. Kids are a massive compatibility issue. There really is no way to compromise on that one. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But it’s definitely the right decision for both of you