A few days ago i was at my girlfriends house. One of her roommates sisters came over and was talking about her experience at a frat party and how no one believed she was a virgin. Then her other roommates begin just saying like random number counting up (11,12,13,14…) and she blurts out 22. I immediately lost my appetite and threw my food away, we went to walk her roommates dog together because she could tell how upset I was and asked what was wrong and i asked her if that was indeed her body count and she said yes it was, mine is only 5. I did assume hers was higher than mine, as 3 of the girls ive slept with were long term relationships, 2 were 2 years long and one around 8 months.
We talked more and she said she only dated about 3 of those guys and the rest were situationships and hookups. It hurt, i never asked her the number because I would get upset. Im not upset that she has a higher count than me, im not really the type of guy who wants to sleep around a lot despite my abnormally high sex drive, sex to me is such a deep bonding experience. I hooked up with one girl ever and really felt so guilty and didnt want to be in those shoes again. Its just my standard and i understand we’re different people which is okay, im not namecalling her or anything, ive just never been in this position before and now i cant help but feel like just a number to her and not really special.
Weve been together for 4 almost 5 months now. Shes really treated me better than any girl ive ever been with, we barely disagree on things let alone argue. She regularly tells me shes never felt this way before in her life with someone, and has said multiple times that im the best sex shes ever had which does make me feel much better. I do really love her and i know she loves me, i just have this gut wrenching feeling about her sharing these experiences we have with other men. When she told me i sat her in bed and the only thing i could think of was how many other guys have sat here, and made you feel the way i do, and kissed your back and hugged you to sleep.
I want to get over this feeling and to stop thinking about her past, i want to move on and forgive her, again im not mad she slept with other people. Im just upset the number is pretty high. I want us to work,and i made it clear that im willing to accept it as long as none of these people are present in our relationship and she doesnt have contact with them. She has been pretty upset understandably, and she feels like im judging her hard and she even went as far as sayin she feels like i dont feel the same about her anymore and that i am sl*t shaming her. I havent really said much other than it is a lot to me and i need time to just process this so i can put it behind me but now i am afraid i will have these intrusive thoughts for a while.
I asked some friends for advice but they arent really understanding and are just saying i should leave, which would be unfair to her and me especially because she really is so down to earth and so good to me she does treat me like a king. I spoke to my stepmom for advice and she said i shouldnt judge her too hard, that it is a high number but i am also in a different mindset than her and that i should try to work it out and feel it ut to feel better and that because its her past doesnt mean its her present.
How do i get over this feeling? I love her and i want this to work more than anything. We got intimate the day before and she said shed marry me one day and i said it back, i dont date for fun or because im bored i meant it too. She loves me and i love her but this does kind of eat me alive, i dont like so many guys can say theyve been with my girl. Especially because i dont want many girls being able to say the same about me.
Please help
Tldr; my girlfriend has an extensive sexual history that is starting to really hurt me, i want to get over it and told her i am willing to i just dont know how to.
29 comments
Why do you think other men have made her feel the way you do. I have had a few relationships, and every single one of them was different. No two men have ever made me feel the same way. Sure, there are some basic similarities, but they were each still significantly different. You have been with other women, do you think one of the past women you have been with made you feel the same way she does?
Quite honestly, you consider sex to fulfill a different role than she does. You consider it to be something ONLY shared by people with an emotional, romantic bond. She considers it something that can be shared by people with or without that bond.
You need to talk to HER. Obviously you are hurt because you feel like her having a higher “body count” (and you simply must stop calling it that– thats gross phrasing and it just further adds to the stigma around differing numbers of partners) means that you mean less to her than she means to you. You need to talk to her and explain that you feel that way. Not that she MADE you feel that way, not that she did anything to change how you felt about her before you heard that number, but that YOU feel that way because of your own feelings about what sex means/should mean to your partner.
Then you should take a deep look inward. Consider whether you WANT to be in a relationship with someone who views sex differently than you do. If you DO want that, then YOU need to do the work of re-wiring how you perceive her actions. If you DON’T want that, and you’d rather be in a relationship with someone who views it the same way you do, then you should move on.
She can’t take back what she did before she met you, nor should she feel obligated to simply because you don’t approve of it.
She is who she is and you’re allowed (and encouraged) to share your feelings with her, but at the end of the day, if you really feel like this is going to haunt you as long as you two are together, then she’s not the right person for you to be in a relationship with.
So why…? why does this make you feel bad? That’s what you gotta figure out. Because there is some sort of thought process going on. Probably something about virginity being pure, sex being bad or shameful etc etc.
My advice would be to journal about why you feel this number matters. Why do I feel bad about 22 but not 5? Would I feel the same if it was my best guy friend with a number of 22? Write down all your thoughts. And then evaluate: does a girl really change as a person when she sleeps with a lot of guys? Does it affect who she is or how she treats me? Who told me that? Where did this thinking come from (abstinence education, religion, etc.)? And do I actually agree with this?
Ah, one of my favorite kinds of posts.
Unless you plan to invent a time machine and change the past, you get over it because it’s in the past and the past changes nothing about the present or the future.
If you can’t get over that, go find a new girlfriend and ask her her number before you sleep together. That’ll go over well.
understand her past is her past and has nothing to do with you. the number of people she’s slept with before in no way changes who she is as a person and as a partner to you, right now. focusing on that is only gonna hurt you and make you sabotage what is a perfectly good relationship by getting too in your head. tbh i don’t really understand why men get insecure about things like this, but I’m gonna bet it’s an ego thing. learn to look past your ego, her past is not a personal attack against you. if anything it’s shaped her into the amazing girlfriend you have today.
you can’t get over it until you uncover why exactly you’re so bothered by it, but I commend you for trying to understand and move on instead of breaking up over it bc your ego was hurt.
Clearly you’re *extremely* uncomfortable with being your 22 year old’s girlfriend’s #23. How long has she been your girlfriend?
>she even went as far as sayin she feels like i dont feel the same about her anymore
She’s not wrong (is she?).
>i am afraid i will have these intrusive thoughts for a while.
Once you’ve finished thinking this through, those can be erased.
Review why you’re taken aback. Typical reasons:
-such frequency suggests maybe she’ll ‘move on’ at any moment
-she may treat sex very lightly indeed, but you see it as bonding
-frequency relates to STDs — how many, what types, any still active or permanent?
Despite what you may think she’s still a great human being regardless of her sexual past, so get over what she can’t change (and shouldn’t, it’s none of your damn business anyway).
If the roles were reversed would you want her to care about how many bodies you have? Would you want it to bother her? She’s with you, and says your the best she’s ever had. That’s the important thing. Be present, and stop worrying about her past.
Please stop going around telling your friends and family her number- that’s not your info to share.
If you love her, you just decide that that was her past and move on. Focus on what is special between you. And when your brain begins to spiral, make a conscious decision to stop it and remind yourself why you want to be with her.
Bit if you can’t then break up with her because she can’t change this and so it’s not fair to stay and make her feel bad about it. Would you feel better if your numbers were reversed? And if so, why?
22 is pretty high. She doesn’t seem to view sex the way that you do if only 3 of her partners were relationships and the rest were hook ups. Breaking up with her seems to be your best bet, but that is for you to decide.
So the path to getting over it starts with you identifying what about her number if bothering you.
There are some hints in your post, but you’ve got to do the work here. For example for someone, it might be that it means their sexual connection isn’t special. For another, it might be fears about sexual adequacy – “she’s tried so much, what if I’m not the biggest and the best?”
I suspect that last one if what’s going on here for you, but I could be wrong.
I’m going to be honest here, and I’m going to be kind about it, but I think part of the solution here is the uncomfortable truth that this is almost certain a lie based, because she can tell how sensitive you are in this area:
>and has said multiple times that im the best sex shes ever had
I’m NOT saying that she dislikes sex with you at all. And it’s worth pointing out that she’s repeatedly choosing to have sex with you despite having options, so, you know, something must be working there.
But this is not the kind of thing that generally gets brought up multiple times except in the face of some rather obvious insecurity.
(An insecurity which, by the way, lots and lots of men have!)
But it turns out that being “the best” at sex is actually a) kind of not really a thing and b) not a great basis for a relationship.
It’s not really a thing because sex is a co-created experience. It’s not something you do *to* her, it’s something you do together. And different people create different things together, and while I suspect she genuinely likes what you two create together, most people don’t spend a lot of time ranking their experiences and “best” is contextual anyway. Most connected? Most exciting? Most intense? Most validating? Left her feeling the best after? All of those are *different* things.
It’s almost impossible for the most connected sex to also be the most exciting. They’re both great. They’re different things. Your sex with her might be the most [blank] sex she’s ever had, but if she’s telling you it’s the best it’s because for the purpose of the question she’s deciding in the moment than [blank] is more important than [something else.] Which it is … at the moment. But probably wasn’t when she was choosing sex with somebody who gave her something different.
Anyway, the reason why I’m bringing this up is because the way you get past your insecurity is with more honesty, and so long as she *has* to tell you that you’re the best (and no, of course not, none of the guys she was with had porn-star penises) you’re going to feel like something is off, you’re going to have doubts, because we can often feel when somebody is not telling us the complete truth or telling us what we need to hear. (And, again, she’s said this MULTIPLE times – something of a tell).
The more you can be comfortable with honesty, the more she can trust you to handle it, the more honest she can be. And that honesty might be, “I love THIS about what we do, but I want more of THAT, sometimes, too.” And only if she can say that, can you two cultivate more of THAT in your sex life.
And when you feel, deep in your bones, that she’s truly enjoying herself, that she’s truly lost in the experience of having sex with you, then you can stop worrying about if somebody else was “better.” You can be confident in your sexual connection whether she’s had one other partner or one hundred.
And if she can’t tell you that she wants some of THAT, too, then over time she will miss it more and more, you two won’t be able to find ways to address that lack together, and, yeah, she’ll have a harder time appreciating what you do bring to the table.
Getting there takes time and trust. In the short run, cultivate moments where you really get to focus on how much she is enjoying herself. Pay more attention to her while you’re having sex – the more you can FEEL her enjoyment of what’s going on, feel her anticipation, enjoy her pleasure, the easier it will be for you to trust that, you know what, your sexual connection is just fine.
You need to keep this in perspective. My wife and I are happy together. We have a fantastic and still vibrant and rewarding sex life, even after 18 years together. Her stories from college were about the same as your SO’s. The thing is, we are all on our own journeys. We dated for different reasons and neither of us should feel bad about that. I didn’t lose anything because my would-be-wife went out and figured herself out. In fact, it’s one of those things that always made me feel good. She’s played the field and picked me. I was the one that wound up being the best person she ever dated.
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You can be that person too. But you have to get over the little stuff. She’s with you now, at least for a while. Treat her like she made the right choice and maybe this story has a happy ending. Her sex life wasn’t about you, it was about her. It still is, it just now includes you.
I would investigate why you feel the right to forgive her, and what you’d be forgiving her for.
You keep saying that you’re not judging her but it seems like you don’t mean that if you’re having a problem with this. It sounds like you believe it is bad to judge her and thus are trying not to but it’s not working.
Judging past behavior is neither good nor bad. There are people who will not judge her and she deserves to be with one of them.
She says you’re the best and she’s been actively choosing to be with you for these 4 months. Your insecurity is on you, it’s not fair to pass your hurt onto her. If you want something to be exclusively yours buy an NFT (don’t actually do this); real life people will have other friends, other relationships.
So again I’d ask who are you to offer her forgiveness? How have you been wronged by her choices before y’all met?
You don’t have to forgive her, she did nothing wrong.
YTA
That’s not a number to worry about. It says nothing about someone’s ability to be in a relationship or their integrity or health on its own. What is important is how she is now, with you, and it’s not like she is hiding anything.
I swear there’s a post like this every couple of days. You lot are annoying as all hell.
You need therapy to work on your insecurities. And stop telling people about her high count. It’s none of their business
I love these posts and the I’m dating some old dude posts.
I wish I had a drink to make a drinking game
For real, 22 isn’t even that high of a number. Every time I see one of these posts, I’m shocked at how very not scandalous their partners’ body count is. Come on guy, those are rookie numbers!
Therapy or other self help. You don’t want to live life consumed by what others have done outside your control.
Either break up and find someone that’s as inexperienced as you or, be a man, get over it and love the one your with
You’re struggling with something called retroactive jealousy. We all have a history and you just have to decide if it’s when you can live with her not.
I have a friend who struggled with us. We met his wife he told her I can’t know anything about your past. It just changed the way he viewed everything. He doesn’t know why he’s not a insecure person. Just some people that seems to really impact and some people it does not
I hope some people read this with an open mind:
It’s a hard situation that many don’t understand, and people who don’t ‘get it’ want to view it as toxic by default without understanding the situation. In saying that, in MANY cases it IS toxic.
Your feelings are valid. It’s what you do with them that counts.
Contrary to modern views, men have vulnerabilities and self esteem issues and love their ‘girl’ like nothing else. Often these vulnerabilities and insecurities have actually been created by ex-partners, but you can’t talk about that because many women have similar or worse experiences. Society is also hard on us, but if you raise that it is always spun into words you didn’t say like ‘women don’t also suffer in society’ or ‘it’s the patriarchy’ – the former being some weird confirmation bias any time a man says something it is filtered in the most impossible way as being ‘proof’ he hates women/is toxic, the latter being men’s fault men struggle – basically victim blaming.
If you are jealous of a partner, think less of them, or harp on about it or make your partner feel bad, it IS toxic.
However, in a situation where you don’t think less of a partner because of their history (personally I don’t want to know details, because it’s their business not mine and can only cause problems) but it pushes some buttons, it’s not toxic insofar as the way people here are likely to respond. Retroactive jealousy is a real thing – many women experience it when a man has previously been in a serious relationship, and are threatened by a perception they are the second choice or that maybe you loved the other girl more.
However, when it comes to a topic of genuine insecurities that many men have, the same concept suddenly becomes invalid.
If anything else it shows you love and want the best for your girl, fear that you’re not what they want, and quite simply it’s not nice to think about your girl swinging off someone else’s meatstick, the same as some women might be bothered about you professing your undying love for someone else in the past. In fact it’s actually harder because sex itself is the most intimate expression of love and trust there is, the closest you will ever be with a person physically and often emotionally, so it’s perfectly valid. You can very much love two people wholly at different times and know that love is as good as it gets. With sex, you never know how you compare.
What’s NOT valid is allowing this to poison your relationship.
You need to accept she is with you now. End of story. You found out accidentally. Thats unfortunate. It was insensitive from those in the conversation. But now set a boundary. Tell her you have no problem with her sexual history and are glad she has experimented and now has found someone she ACTUALLY wants to be with, and that you love her. Set a boundary that past is not discussed unless relevant. You decide what you want to know (if you meet someone that’s an ex or hookup, do you want to know so that everything’s on the table, or would you prefer not to know?) and match that with what shes comfortable disclosing/not disclosing so that youre both safe. Don’t ask. Don’t go looking for details. Dont look up other dudes on her socials. Your brain will go looking for ways to hurt you. It’s human nature. Our nature, evolution, etc, is about pushing ourselves to be the best partner (male or female) so we look for areas of weakness and comparison to better ourselves, but in a modern society this innate behaviour no longer serves us.
If you need to talk about this, do it in therapy. Not with her. She is not your therapist.
This is a dangerous cascade you are at the beginning of, make sure you handle it well for you and for her.
Remember my example. You have an ex you loved, yes? Do you still love them? No. Does it mean you don’t want to be with your partner? No. Does it means your partner is not the one you are in love with? No.
We all have pasts.
We all have things that set us off.
Unfortunately this is a topic that will not be ‘read’ well but I hope my post sheds some healthier light on it. Even considered, balanced posts like this trying to raise awareness, are interpreted as toxic and either downvoted or ignored.
I’m going to comment before I go down in these comments…
NGL…I agree with your friends.
Was watching a vid on body counts… 1 in 4 marriages with women who have had more than 5 sexual partners, end in divorce. The advocates of hookup culture do not tell us the realities…
Who cares!? That’s not even high. Maybe you should try looking for a new girlfriend at your local church. Something tells me you don’t pull many women and if you could your count would be higher. One of those “I choose to be this way.” But let’s be honest. You’re not turning down opportunities. Not any good ones anyway. I hope she dumps you so you don’t have to “forgive her” for having sex. Jfc! Go back to the 1700s. Misogyny at its finest!
Pros and cons list make one .
If you’re not okay with it find another girl.
Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into believing 22 at 22 is okay or that you’re insecure for not being the biggest fan of hookup culture. If you really want a future with her, it may not work out – sex is a very casual aspect for her while you view it entirely differently and as any marriage counselor will tell you, this can yield problems further in the relationship. Since you’re still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship (first 1.5 years), there will be things that you don’t see clearly and that you tell yourself aren’t a big deal, but are revealed later to be a huge deal. Take time to recognize what about it truly bothers you and what kind of future you want. She may or may not be in it and that’s okay.
Im a guy. This advice has been tested with 3 guys like im your position.
She is not girlfriend material. Have your fun and get rid of her later. Once her body count crosses 3, nope. Its different for guys and women.
Dont get her pregnant.
Dont get emotionally involved. Display your emotions, but dont trust them. Start getting over her emotionally.
My friend takes this beautiful latina girlfriend. On her instagram(2nd phone), she messages other guys. And hooks up with them. She didnt do this, until my friend was hooked in emotionally. Now, even when she lies, he comes back because he wants to believe hes her boyfriend. And, that people change. Etc etc.