I’m new to the office and the city trying to make friends but it’s hard. I’m a little lonely. I know usually people go out for lunch on Weds in the office but I usually can’t make it because I have meetings. But today I didn’t and I asked people in my office if they wanted to go and I went to the agreed upon meeting place at the agreed upon time and no one was there. I waited around for 10 minutes and no one even sent me a message or anything. Then I just went to the food place by myself and they were already there together.
I consciously know it’s not personal and they probably just forgot me, but I’m still crying with my stupid sandwich right now. This sucks. Like when I don’t try to be included, I feel lonely. When I do try, I feel rejected. What was I even suppose to do.
24 comments
Is it possible that there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding? I would speak to one of them and ask what’s up.
I would definitely ask one of them about it. “I thought we were going to lunch today.” It’s hard to make friends in a new city and workplace. Don’t cry and don’t be worried by it. Making friends takes time and a lot of energy. I’ve relocated 14 times for work and there have been places I only had one friend. It will all work out.
It feels so awful. Be strong and **try again next week.** They weren’t used to you joining them and they forgot. My coworkers (and myself) did this accidentally before. I didn’t mean to at all. It’s easy to let insecurities compound and prevent you from making progress, especially when its easy to read too much into a situation.
Join them next week. You will feel better and forget about this mishap.
Don’t feel so down. There are millions of people out there to make friends with and besides maybe there was some miscommunication? Maybe they assumed you were gonna head to the food place anyway and didnt bother texting cuz it wasnt that important to them? Still not cool but maybe they weren’t doing it on purpose is all I mean. Theirs a dating app called “bumble” that strictly has a “meet a friend” option that you might wanna give a try, I hear people use it all the time for friend making.
It sounds like it was probably a miscommunication – people just went straight to the restaurant instead of a meeting spot, I don’t think they excluded you on purpose. If they had meant to exclude you, I think they would have chosen a different restaurant to go to.
Congratulations on your new job! Don’t take it personal, people are always busy with their own thoughts and things to do that they just forgot about it, keep beign nice and friendly to them and you will be friends in no time! We spend so much time of our days at work and often with time coworkers become dear friends to us. I wish you the best of lucks! 😊🍀
Honestly, it sounds like there was confusion about the meetup location. I would just ask one of them. “Hey, I waited by x location for 10 minutes and no one came but then I found you all here. Did anyone mention something about skipping the meet up point? I think I missed that communication.”
In cases like this, it’s most likely a miscommunication. Maybe they thought that u would meet them there at the time. Next time say “let’s go together from the office”
Hey so they went to the same “food place” yall agreed on just didn’t go to the meeting location? They probably just thought that was for people that needed to carpool.
There wouldn’t be a need to meet up first unless carpooling right?
Did you sit down to join them?
Hey sweetheart, don’t be too hard on yourself now. They probably didn’t get that you wanted to meet at another location first. Maybe they usually just go to that place with their own vehicles.
I’m pretty sure they didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t let your insecurities take over. I know it’s hard when you’re in a group of new people where everyone else knows each other, but really, I’m pretty sure they like you. They just didn’t get that you wanted to meet somewhere else.
Try again another time, I’m sure it will work out then. And in the meantime, make some conversations with them. You will do great, I’m sure
Hey OP
I’m in a very similar situation as you are and the cherry on top is that I am a foreigner among the others.
Best thing l can tell you is that most of it is in your head. It was probably a miscommunication. Just keep trying and hang in there
As a recruiter and someone who has started many jobs, it takes at least 3 months to start building a genuine connection with your peers. I found the best way to build rapport is asking questions.
I remember posting a response to someone who described a similar situation a few months ago. I explained it in terms of how group theory works and they found it helpful. To summarise, when someone new joins an established group it upsets the group dynamic for a while. The group become unsettled and sometimes act out by being unwelcoming or just ignoring the new person. In time the established group accept the new person as ‘one of us’ and the dynamic settles down to be more inclusive. It is really hard, but try not to take this last incident personally. Yes maybe they forgot or just no one took the role of ‘remembering’ but if you gently persist, eventually they will include you more.
Theories are just that, theories! But I find that if I have some way of distancing myself from the hurt and looking at what might be driving a situation it helps me manage my own behaviour. I joined an established group about 1 year ago. I have attended consistently and gone to all of the social events that I can. The other day someone was talking about newcomers and said that she didnt mean me because “you are one of us now”. It has taken that long for both the group and for me to feel like I belong. You have to be a bit patient.
You should talk to one of them and see what happened from their pov. I think another commenter said it already but they probably thought that the first meet was just for carpool purposes and they all decided to drive themselves and meet at the restaurant. For all you know they could have all been sitting around wondering where you were and why you didn’t show to the lunch you organized. Im thinking its a communication problem here, i really doubt they hate you or anything. If they were really that big of AHs they would have gone to a different restaurant than the one they would know to expect to be seeing you at. Good luck with everything OP, congrats on the new job and you’ll be okay. I know anxiety can cause you to go through all the worst case scenarios, but until you know their motivations i wouldn’t let it upset you, it doesn’t sound like they were intentionally being cruel to you.
>*I call my friends and say, “Let’s go into town”*
>
>*But they’re all too busy to go into town*
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>*So I go by myself, I go into town*
>
>*Then I see all my friends, they’re all in town*
*-*[Hurt Feelings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuJzSTNDUGI)*, Flight of the Conchords*
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This one really does sound like a miscommunication though.
They are all probably kicking their own asses because they realized later no one told you. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it and just laugh it off. It happens all the time. I was sitting at home once while all my friends had a blast in a South Korean Haesindang park (don’t google it…. But totally google it) . The next day they asked why I never showed up and talked about how awesome it was to make me jealous. When the jabs stopped I finally told them I had no clue about it, no one invited me. Turns out all the others thought someone else did.
Hm this is why I don’t put myself out there to people.
Don’t address it with them and don’t comment on it either. Just let it slide and move on. Whether it was intentional or not has no relevance.
I’ve adopted the “I don’t give a shit” attitude for years now especially in the workplace. In my new company I go out for lunch alone. If someone wants to go out with me or as a group they can come and ask me. Just allow things to happen naturally next time.
I commend you to make an effort with people in the new position but after years of experience I just have no interest in any of that crap any more. I’m there to work not make friends. If it happens naturally then that’s a bonus. Despite all I’ve said here – I am quite a friendly, fun person to be around ☺️
I also feel left out at my new job. Big hugs. Work isn’t a place to make bffs. Just contacts.
Bullying by exclusion is still bullying.
They probably thought you’d meet them inside.
This is fully a miscommunication
The way I read it, it sounded like you would meet there. Maybe they thought the same
So they go to a food place all together on certain days and you “invited” them there when they already all go there? They most likely thought you meant you were going to join their lunch.
It’s a bit strange to want a different meeting place for something that’s a set weekly get together already at a different location.
I really think this is just an overreaction on your part. They were all at the food place and you (presumably) sat down and joined them anyways yes? There isn’t a problem then. Now you know next time to go straight to the food place itself.
Don’t think too much on it. This really was more of a miscommunication between you and the group and now you know what to do in the future.
They probably forgot. I’m sorry that happened and it made you feel like crap. I hope that doesn’t happen again. Being left out absolutely sucks and I hope you feel better. This definitely wasn’t your fault.