Background:
I was (secularly) homeschooled during my teen years and severely isolated and socially neglected, including not being allowed to date. Lived at home while commuting to college, and not allowed to have sex. Graduated, and still living at home and financially dependent on my parents, a pandemic ensues and my very paranoid parents keep me trapped from expanding my career and social life for 3 years straight.
I got a job, moving soon, and coming to terms how controlling my parents have been my whole life. (For example, my sisters long ago were kicked out in their early 20s for lying about being sexually active).
My parents are taking my moving out hard. My mom recently told me she wants to sit me down and have a “mom and daughter talk.” I know what it will be…a long list of way-too-late advice on guys and sex. My mom has already made comments like, “When you move, don’t go sleeping around”, stuff you say to a 15 year old, not a 25 year old deep into her adulthood and needing much better wisdom on life.
I’m not looking forward to the talk. I am a virgin (and have educated myself thoroughly on safe sex, fun sex, consent, self-pleasure, healthy relationship dynamics, etc.), but during this talk, I’m thinking about lying and saying to my mom, “You are way too late. I’m not a virgin, I’ve dated before, and you are years behind.” Just to rock her world.
Should I?
TL;DR Controlling mom wants to give me a birds and bees talk on the eve of me moving out. Should I lie to her and say I lost my virginity years ago?
39 comments
It’ll probably be better to hold your tongue until you move out, and then just go no/low contact.
No?
You’re not going to feel better if you lie. And you’ll likely set off a whole new round of intrusive behavior and uncomfortable conversations. It’s time to stop trying to manipulate your parents through avoidance and deception. It’s time to learn how to say *no*.
“No, mom, I’m not interested in having this talk. I’m an adult and I will *ask* you if I decide I need advice from you. Until then, I’d appreciate it if you let me figure things out on my own. Unsolicited opinions on my choices will be ignored.”
She’s going to hate it, but she’ll get over it. It’ll take some time for her to get used to her kids being independent *people* and not the physical manifestations of her own values and unfulfilled dreams. The sooner you start saying “no” like an equal, the sooner she’ll get accustomed to it.
> Just to rock her world.
I agree, that would rock their world – and be a great one liner as you ride off to independence. But if you’re goal is to get out and build your own life, does kicking that hornet’s nest really serve your long term ambitions?
Mistruths – even when warranted – have a way of coming back around.
You don’t have to sit down with her. “I already know what I need to know, and I’m not interested in discussing these topics with you”.
You don’t need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) any more than that. Anything else you tell her will only give her ammunition to tear you down.
Lying is the cowards way out and in the long run this sort of behavior will be counter productive because instead of taking an appropriate moment to insist on a healthy boundary you effectively discard having a boundary and rely on dishonesty that may someday bite you in the butt.
Don’t tell her you’ve had sex or not but you should insist on a boundary that you won’t share this part of your life with her because of her past behavior towards your sisters. She demonstrated that she could not handle be mature nor supportive of normal, human sexual behavior. If she wants to be included in that life she needs to own her past mistakes and begin by apologizing to your sisters.
If you are going to say anything on this tell her you have done all your own research on it and if you have a question, you’ll ask her but she should have done this talk 10 years ago. Now its not something she can share anymore.
No, it wouldn’t help anybody and would I’m guessing turn into a longer more tedious discussion. I think the better thing to do would just be to cut her off right away with “I don’t need this talk. I’m not interested in what you have to say.” Refuse any lunch dates or things where she might corner you, always try to have an exit strategy of how to leave a discussion. (You would be perfectly in the right to leave any discussion with her by simply walking away, but that can be so hard to do because it goes against all of our social programming. So a reason, however flimsy, is good to have on hand.)
I would just not sit down with her. Tell her you are educated and don’t need a teenage conversation.
this reminds me of a (removed, unforch) post from a couple of weeks ago from a mom’s pov where the mom made the same “dont go sleeping around” remark: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/wzvpd7/my_51f_daughter_25f_is_not_listening_to_my_advice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
(in the comments OP also talks about saying she would have kicked her daughter out if she had become sexually active like this OP’s sisters were. if this is your mom i hope she paid attention to the comments lol)
This is none of her business.
Why does she need to know your business? If you open this door, you will not be allowed to close it
You are an adult
Just say no. You have educated yourself
Don’t debase yourself by lying. But the truth is that at 25 that is absolutely none of her business. And if you don’t want to have that talk with her then simply walk away from it. It’s frankly silly to have that conversation at your age.
I know that you most likely respect your mom but how can you lie to her if she has no knowledge of you loseing it. I know you will most likly feel guilety but don’t. She probably has kept a lot of secrets from you. Just my opinion from 70 years of experiences relayed to me by many people. You will make the right decision for you. “Unless you’re worried about being dis-owned”.
Don’t. Just get all your important stuff together, birth certificate, banking stuff, personal items and get out of there.
I’d dodge the talk
You want to be out and totally financially free first.
I mean, no one is really “allowed” to have sex unless you’re like royalty and they peep in the door on your wedding night. Which is to say, you don’t need your mom’s permission to do the deed.
I wouldn’t fight, or try to rock her world. just nod at her advice and go live your life! 25 is such a fun age! Take care, and good luck!
Editing to say: I get standing up for yourself, and let her know, if you want, her talk is unwarranted! But, I wouldn’t stir the pot just to stir it. That’s all I meant!
You’re a grown woman tell her you already know what sex is and you don’t need a lecture
Sounds like your parents and my ex would get along great.
All these people are tripping you should totally lie. It will be funny as hell, I guess it also depends on the type of relationship you want with them after. You could also leave it up to interpretation and be like I’m 25 I know all this stuff and if they push say I’m not talking about this with you.
Instead of lying, just cut her short with “I’m all up to speed, thanks. You’re quite a few years too late.” And then just refuse to confirm whether you’ve had sex or not.
I wouldn’t. Look, only you know truly how your mom is going to react. I knew, but couldn’t “lie” and the fallout was worse than I ever could have imagined. If you think your mom will react in a way that is harmful to you or your mental health – don’t. She is not a safe person. If you know deep down your mom loves you unconditionally and respects you – you wouldn’t be here asking this.
She shouldn’t be asking you that question at 25, regardless of how she raised you. This is your big opportunity to establish what kind of relationship you will have with her now that you are an adult, and to make it clear to her that she will need to reevaluate how she interacts with you since you are an adult and no longer a child. She will always be your mom, but as the kid you grow up and change. You’ll always be the kid in the relationship with your parents, but that doesn’t me you are a kid, if that makes sense.
You tell her it’s none of her business/tell her it’s not up for discussion. This is so beyond inappropriate on her part it’s nigh unbelievable. Your sex life is none of her business, and I would tell her that her questions are over the line, inappropriate and creeping you out.
You’re 25. You are well beyond the age where *anyone* has the right to “sit you down” for any reason at all. Stop allowing her to govern you and your emotions.
No need to lie OR have the conversation. Move out, start the rest of your life, and when Mom asks personal questions set boundaries and tell her you do not want to discuss your private life. You have been an adult for years, you shouldn’t even have to think twice about this.
Add to this your Mom loves conditionally. That’s just BS. It’s your life, not hers.
Is your mom going to be sleeping with you in bed to be so involved in your sex life? Deflect and don’t engage. A mother who waits until her daughter is 25 years old to talk about sex or boys is no decent well-intentioned mom.
I’m pretty sure your mom posted on here a couple weeks ago from her side…
You don’t have to lie. You just have to realise you don’t need permission to leave home with a job and live your own live. There will never be a good time for your parents until you make the step. Make them part of the transition and the rest it’s up to them to accept eventually.
Do one better: stop talking to your mom about your sex life. Just stop it.
“Mom, in a 25 year old college educated woman and it’s 2022 and i have the internet. There’s nothing you can tell me now that I didn’t know at 15. I’m not having this discussion with you, but if you want me to tell you some things, let me know and we can talk.”
Can you give your mom a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves for her to educate herself? Or maybe The Vagina Bible? And let her know that you’re available to answer any questions she might have about the book?
Honestly simply don’t have the sit down – tell her you already know what she’s going to say and that that conversation is for her teenager, not her adult child, so you know she won’t have any updated wisdom you don’t already have.
You are an adult. You have sex.
Without reading the post yes always lie to your parents.
Well, it really depends on if you even WANT a relationship with her/your parents.
You could nod at the appropriate times and tune it out to keep the peace.
You could say thank you mom, but have faith you raised me correctly, to get her off your back.
You could tell her that all this came up in science class/seminar in College, though you really appreciate the additional advice.
You could tell her the truth and said you did independent research so you weren’t blind sided by society, and that you were curious, but thanks for adding to it.
Or you could tell her that you’re not a virgin, enjoy the look or horror on her face, and likely not have her speak to you again.
Really depends on what you want.
NGL, I would probably just nod, moving is stressful enough.
Good luck in whatever senario you choose.
Former repressed/socially isolated/sheltered homeschooler checking in:
Do not lie. Just start setting boundaries. I will say I don’t want to talk about something my mother brings up, and if she proceeds with her lecture I walk away. Contrary to what I was taught (and what I expect you were taught), there’s nothing wrong with exercising your agency as an adult. You are not beholden to your mother as you are self-sufficient. You have a right to extricate yourself from situations that do not serve you.
Your mother will come to her own conclusions and that is ok. We control our own actions, not the actions of others. It is not our responsibility to explain ourselves or give reasons for avoiding a subject. After I had moved out and exercised my “walk away” method a number of times, my mother seemed to catch on to the fact that spending time with me is a privilege, not a right. She still sometimes tries to push my boundary and I react in the way she should now expect. These lectures have decreased in frequency and my mother is happy just to see me more often than she tries to control my life or lecture me.
You don’t have to sit down and talk with her. You can tell her the truth: that’s it’s offensive that she’d try to have a safe sex talk with her adult child and you have no patience for it.
I say be honest that your still a virgin but also tell her that your not interested in any advice. You could say that you are going to become a cat lady or something and make them think they’re never getting grandkids out of you if you really want to fuck with them.
Smile and nod. It’s none of her business. And honestly… If she is under the impression that 25 is the time to talk to her kids about sex… I guess the sky always IS blue in her world….
No, don’t lie, but also just tell her you’re not a teenager anymore and these are things you’ve known for years.
Oh no, do not tell her that. I know it seems like a fun way to shut her down, but the fallout will not be fun. Just nod and say yes and let her talk. Then move out and live your happy life.
Thank her for her concern but tell her you’re good; that you get where she’s coming from but you’ve already educated yourself on these topics. There’s no need to be rude like some people here advocate.