My (23f) boyfriend (29m) has struggled with a lifelong porn addiction that has started to ruin our relationship and I can’t help but blame the man that introduced it to him. Sure, the addiction could have developed at any point later on in life, but knowing how it started infuriates me and anytime I think about how his addiction affects us I get pissed at this man who’d be around 47 years old now.
My boyfriend grew up in an impoverished area and spent his summers going to a rec center in his neighborhood. There was a “cool” gym coach there (as he described him) who all the kids adored.
One day he took my boyfriend into his office, locked the door, and turned on his laptop to porn. They watched it together. He didn’t touch him or himself, but I’m convinced he got some pleasure out of this because why else introduce a young child to this? The thought makes me sick.
I’ve worked my whole life with kids and get anxiety thinking about the one time I accidentally let a curse word slip.
This continued over the next few years. The man even made a comment saying “make sure if you do this at home to delete your history browser” but wouldn’t show him how.
My boyfriend admits this is how he was introduced to porn and soon thereafter his addiction started.
When he first told me this story (about a year ago) I couldn’t help but hear a tone of awe for the guy. I told him that was completely fucked up and predatory-like on that guys end. He disagreed. He said he was a cool, chill guy. Even to this day, he sees nothing wrong with what that grown man did.
I know my boyfriend’s responsible for his own actions and is in power of his addiction, but I can’t help but feel extreme loathe for this awful man. I always told my boyfriend is he did this to you, what other kids did he do this to? He doesn’t see anything wrong with it and maybe you guys don’t either but now his addiction is tearing us apart.
Is this fucked up?
TL;DR a 28 year old gym coach introduced my boyfriend to porn at age 10 and watched it with him secretly for years. He’s addicted now and I’m blame him.
7 comments
> He didn’t touch him or himself,
I wonder. I wonder if your BF is building up to telling you that he did.
Don’t guess and don’t push him, but make it clear that you’d be ok with hearing about any more uncomfortable revalations. By which I mean: don’t freak out too obviously about what he has already told you. He needs to know you won’t freak out if he tells you more.
Let’s hope there IS no more, of course.
Meanwhile, the dude needs therapy anyway, to overcome his addiction.
Report this man to the police immediately. Holy hell, he still works with kids? There is no way this was a one-off.
He was sexually abused then. He needs counseling. A somewhat similar thing happened to my husband. It led to a porn addiction going to strip clubs behind my back and eventually sleeping with a prostitute. Take this very seriously
You’re correct – this older man was a predator and what he did was absolutely sexual abuse.
But your ability to *do* something about it is limited to nonexistent. Your boyfriend isn’t ready to accept that what this man did was exploitative and damaging, and he’s not ready to address the roots of his addiction. And there’s nothing you can do to *make* him be ready. All you really have control over is your own actions, and that includes whether you choose to stay in a relationship with an active addict who either can’t or won’t seek the kind of help he needs. Privately raging at the man who hurt him isn’t going to help you make that decision.
>He said he was a cool, chill guy. Even to this day, he sees nothing wrong with what that grown man did.
Honestly…this is very messed up but I have seen this mentality from boys who thought they were initiated into some “cool adults’ club” by older men who did this — and, conversely, said older men thought of themselves as “guiding” the younger ones into adult activities without “getting their hands dirty” through physical acts (and yes, it absolutely is predatory — if not physically, then through knowing that they “corrupted” young minds).
The problem is that said children will often not recognize this behavior as problematic and may even be thankful for “having their eyes opened”. Wanting to be more grown up is, sadly, a desire that many predators take advantage of.
Your boyfriend was introduced to full-on pornography early enough for it to derail his views on sexuality. Sadly, if he is still struggling with it and sees nothing wrong (a paradox, but that’s what rationalizing addiction is), then you can’t do much to convince him to get help — since, again, he doesn’t see this as a problem. If anything, I’d say that he sees *people judging him* as the problem, not the fact that he consumes so much pornography.
I think there are 2 issues and you need to separate them.
1) your bf has a porn addiction and needs to seek help. Professional help. It’s concerning that despite this being a long term issue he still felt entitled to a relationship with you but hey what matters is, he needs professional help.
2) your bf was sexually abused by definition, regardless of whether he thinks so or not. While he should seek help for this, it’s not your place to convince him.
Ultimately there’s a high chance you’re leaning into this so heavily because it sort of takes some of the onus off your bf; his addiction isn’t his fault. And it isn’t! But the fact is, he has an addiction and he has a responsibility to manage it if he wants to be with you.
Ask your boyfriend would he be ok showing a 10yr old kid porn? And if he says “no why would I do that ? That’s disgusting” you can ask why was it ok for the older man to do it to him?
If he answers “yea I would be open to introducing a 10yr old to porn”… well then you have your answer and a huge red flag that comes along with it