please be kind. I am now 22f about to turn 23 and I’ve been processing a relationship I had when I was 19
basically, I was in a 3 year relationship with someone from highschool, it ended badly. He cheated on me with a woman in her 30s… I was so disgusted. I held onto that relationship for a long time. He ended up going to the military and we split.. but it was a lot. I had no friends when he left, & was lost.
I went to a yoga festival alone for my first time, (me and my ex were still together at this point) I intended to connect with myself & met a man there. I felt something between us right away; it was both anxiety, curiosity and excitement. Maybe a connection or a warning to stay away, I couldn’t tell the difference at the time. But his energy had me by the throat..
Later that day we were in a class together where people take turns massaging each other, (not sexual)
The second he put his hands on my neck I felt so loved, my ex would get teally annoyed when I asked to be massaged even despite me having neck problems, he just did not care at all.
When I got back from the festival I knew something was off. My ex had cheated with the said 30 year old, we stayed together for the next 5 months, then he left for the military.
We were still together but didn’t get to talk much, him being away made me realize I didn’t need him but I still loved him and kept repainting his colors. I knew we were going to break up but I wasn’t ready..
Then the fall festival came, things are fuzzy as hell but long story short me and the man I met started slowly talking on social media, we met up at the park a couple times, then he snuck me into a bar where his band was playing and I went to his house after, we didn’t have sex but we did make out. The day I was supposed to leave to visit my ex I was with him at the park, I remember my ex calling me crying asking if I was coming and then I broke up with him iver the phone. It was such a power move for me. He deserved it after all the bullshit I let him put me through. But part of me will always regret it a little.. I told the man I met up front I didn’t want anything serious due to my relationship I was just getting out of , & the age difference but that I was into him. He was really kind, like freakishly kind- like I asked him when he was last angry at something and he told me a story from 15 years ago. He would take me to his yoga classes in the morning when he taught, he’d make me food, massage me and drive me places. We went on a trip after only knowing each other for a couple months, I knew I had to get out. He started getting more affectionate and Would ask me things regarding “the age thing” I started to feel extremely disgusted with myself so I finally ended things.. literally took 3 hours bc I was scared and made it seem more like a break. He was so quick to message me consistently the next following weeks asking how I was, offering to meet up as friends and telling me about his day, I finally told him to back off and I blocked him on everything. About 10 months later (maybe longer idk) I’m with a new guy and at that said festival again, that man was there and staring me down hard core .. he tried to talk to meaNd I ignored him and told him to leave me alone. Then when I got home he had sent me a long text apologizing and let me know he was with someone else now, I didn’t respond
Was I groomed? I feel as though I was manipulated, I barely remeber that part of my life . I’m about to go to this same festival again in a week and he’s going to be there . It’s a very small festival so under 100 people . I just feel so gross and even though I wasnt under age idk what to think about it . I wish it happen at all. I wish I protected myself better
7 comments
please be kind. Reddit is so glitchy and this took me way too long to type out.
I was 19 when we met, and turned 20 shortly after my ex left for the military. So I wasn’t underage… but I still feel so gross when I think about what happened with us and what we did… I can never take it back. I wish people that were in my life didn’t encourage this age gap relationship 🙁 what do you all think?
absolutely predatory age gap.
The only thing that sounds like it might be grooming is sneaking you into a bar. Otherwise, it just sounds like a relationship that didn’t work.
Just because you were over 18 doesn’t make this any better. You weren’t even 10 years younger than him. He was trying too hard to be the “nice guy” and that can mean he was trying to groom you or he just was way to into you. Regardless, no 30something guy should want to be with a teen. You were barely an adult after all and didn’t know who you are as a person.
At least you knew how bad it was before it went too far. Leaving that situation is a good thing and finding out who you are as a person is also a good thing.
Also, your military ex was an ass for cheating. I hope you find your good guy.
Predatory. People at 34 and 19 are in different stages of life. Being over 18 is not like a light switch and you’re suddenly a fully grown adult with all the maturity and experience involved.
In and of itself the gap isn’t bad, it’s whether you had a genuine connection with him or not, and that doesn’t seem to be the case in your post, it does seem like he took advantage of your situation and yourself.
While I have only ever dated people my age, I’m generally very accepting about age gaps provided both parties are consenting adults.
We as a society have drawn a line whereabout one is mature enough to be called an adult and capable of making adult decisions. And that line is the age of 18. My personal opinion is that people owe you the same respect as anyone else for the personal choices you make as an adult. That said, it is unusual for a man of 34 years to *want* to date a woman so young. And, frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some sort of hangup that he has, that he’s dating someone so young.
Unless you were a child when you met, I don’t believe you were groomed. Grooming is when a person takes advantage of a child or someone under their power (e.g., a student or subordinate) and, quite literally, “grooms” them to make decisions later on that they might not otherwise make. He met you when you were an adult woman. Whether it’s creepy or weird is something someone can decide on their own, as their personal opinion. But it’s not grooming.