TL;DR: had a one night stand with a guy, I developed feelings, we went on a date where he tells me he doesn’t want to be anything but friends but now he is acting weird and I can’t cut him off because we have mutual friends and go to the same school
So, its been almost 2 weeks since this happened. I just started uni and I met this guy at a uni party for the first time (we have mutual friends), we were both drunk and I ended up at his apartment where we had sex. At that point I didn’t really find him particularly attractive (nothing wrong with him just not my usual type), I was just really horny and he just happened to be there and dtf. I don’t remember much about that night, I just remember we had sex like maybe twice and then again after we woke up.
After that it was pretty awkward (I’ve never had a one night stand before) but he did ask for my number before I left, which I gave him. We started talking for a few days and I started developing some kind of feelings at this point. Then he asked me on a date, during which we had a good long conversation but I guess he realized that we weren’t compatible in a relationship sense.
Unfortunately for me, during our date (which honestly lasted for hours and we talked so much) I actually developed full-blown romantic feelings towards him. I obviously didn’t tell him that because it was clear he didn’t want to be romantically involved with me, he even said later on that he wants to be friends and thats it.
The way he has been acting after that is confusing me even more though. I never start conversations with him because I’m actually trying to get over him, but he messages me a lot, we’ll have a decent conversation and then he’ll leave me on read and do the same thing again later. Whenever I’ve seen him IRL after that, hes still been really touchy towards me, like holding my and sitting really close to me (like literally so close that we’re touching which is not normal in our culture even between friends) etc. But every time he acts like that he always says that “this is just as friends” even though I haven’t even told him that I wish that I was romantically involved with him. Like he says it so often its actually starting to piss me off and I keep thinking if he knows that I like him and hes doing this to deliberately mess with me.
I can’t ignore him completely because like I said we have mutual friends so I can’t even cut him off. But this is very frustrating to me, because he says that he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to just be friends but then he is acting like this. I don’t know what to do.
13 comments
Luckily, feelings can wane about as fast as they started. Try to focus your attention elsewhere and stop texting him all the time.
He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.
You guys both might have attachment issues.
I’d be upfront about what you’re looking for. Just tell him you’re disappointed as you like him. That way at least he *should* know flirting with you is unethical, and it gives him a last chance. Then, if he continues to flirt but maintains that he doesn’t want to date, you can set a boundary and explain that being friends in this way doesn’t work for you, because you like him. Cut him out as a friend as much as possible and distance yourself from him if he cannot stop flirting.
Likely he is not ready for a relationship, and may never be. Focus on something else, these kinds of feelings are shallow and it will go as fast as the feelings came if you don’t humor his advances and drag it on.
I think its time you leave him on read and don’t let him get so close to you when you are both hanging out with your other friends. Don’t let him hold your hand, scoot away or move seats if he chooses to sit next to you. This guy is being very disrespectful to you and leading you on in a way, he just likes the attention you give him.
OP I had a guy do this to me in high school. He knew that I liked him but he friend zoned me. However the entire school thought we were dating coz he kept flirting with me, holding my hand and messaging me first every day after school, acting jealous when I got a bf. Basically he just enjoyed the feeling that someone was into him and also I found out he was partially using me to make the girl he really liked jealous.
This is what this guy is doing to you, he is using you to make himself feel good. He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, just wants to be able to play around with u and flirt without any expectations or commitment. Do not let urself get disrespected by an immature little boy. Draw the line very clearly and do not let him touch you. When he messages respond to him civilly as a friend or not at all. He needs to know ur not a pushover.
if i were you, i would be upfront and just let him know. “listen, you said you weren’t interested in anything past friendship with me, and that’s fine. but i started developing feelings and now need some time away to get over them. i would appreciate it if you could lighten up on messaging me for the time being, and sit a little further away from me in person. while i appreciate you being clear about wanting only friendship, i don’t need to be reminded repeatedly. this is the best way for us to go back to being friends. thank you!”
or something similar. that way you’re clear, concise, and kind about it. i know some other comments have suggested just focusing on hobbies and moving on, but i think it’s best to let him know that you need some distance from him emotionally so that he doesn’t continue to make this hard for you.
also — that kind of behaviour to me reads like he is interested, but stuck on some fantasy version of uni where he gets to sleep around, which makes him scared of having feelings for you. i just want you to keep this in mind so that if he does confess feelings for you, it’s probably best to reject him anyway just by way of him not being ready for a relationship yet.
That’s a very interesting problem. Just decide are mutual friends worth seeing him.
He wants to keep you as an option, and not be in a relationship. If he meets someone else he won’t feel guilt to sleep with her or pursue a relationship. Tell him you are only interested in a platonic friendship with no sex, or accept a friends with benefits type situation.
Um stop messaging him? Speak only if you have to around mutual friends.
Look up the term ‘breadcrumbing’,
This is exactly what he’s doing. A tactic used by people to keep someone interested with minimal effort or commitment as a just incase.
It’s more about keeping you as an option for casual sex.
Stop the flirting and touching and just try and be as platonic to protect yourself.
Go on dates with other people and get your mind off him.
You’re supposed to develop feelings first, before jumping in the sack and hoping he’ll like you back afterwards.
It usually works out better in the long run like that.
If hes texting you first, just drag out responding or skip responding at all to messages. Eventually he will stop.
Sounds like he likes your attention and is stringing you along to boost his ego. I would consider cutting contact as much as you can. I understand you have mutual friends and go to the same school, but that doesn’t mean you have to engage in long texting conversations with him or allow him to touch you when you are around him.
If he’s a good person he will be open and okay with you saying “I have feelings, if you do too I would like to pursue it. If not, I kindly ask you to give me some space so I can get over you”
I was really lucky with the guy I had a FWB thing with in college, I got feelings and he didn’t. When I told him and he didn’t have feelings back he set the precedent of giving me space and since we had mutual friends he promised he wouldn’t make it weird around them (and he didn’t). It was all good between us.
Set boundaries, if he doesn’t accept them then you know you don’t want to be with him