Girl (31F) I’ve (31M) been dating for 2 months is the best sex I’ve ever had and is very kinky. But she just asked about having an open relationship. She said she needs her partner to rule with an iron fist. She said she finds the anxiety in relationships “delicious”. She said that she might not be able to help herself from cheating so it might be better to allow an open relationship. Her previous partner was a cuckold. I think she turned him into one.
I made it very clear that fidelity is very important to me. I told her that I would not pursue a relationship with her unless she makes up her mind that I am enough. She seems honest but sometimes says she might not be able to control herself. Should I take her word for it if/when she says that she is ready for a monogamous relationship? We are both in early 30s so I could end up married to her. I would be devastated if I found out she cheated on me. Can people give up on kinks? Or should I move on and find someone else?
14 comments
My therapist told me once that just because someone doesn’t find monogamy natural/easy doesn’t mean that they cannot or do not want to do it for someone they love. I’d definitely revisit the subject again when she’s ready, to avoid wasted time and heart ache on both sides.
Her excuse is bullshit and unethical. An open relationship doesn’t magically transform a cheater.
She’s trying to push you into a relationship style you didn’t agree to or even know she wanted when you got into the one you have with her. She’s trying to have her cake & eat it too. This is not ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy).
An open relationship doesn’t mean she won’t cheat, she’ll just have an excuse to do as she pleases. She’s openly telling you that she doesn’t care what you want, she’s going to do what she wants so you “better get on the train.”
Emotional cheating is still cheating, being open doesn’t mean cheating is impossible.
It’s not about her being kinky.
Leave this wreck.
She “can’t control herself” 🚩🚩🚩
Edit: she is 30. This isn’t how adults treat relationships/people they respect.
Been in the same situation where my ex-gf said that she “can’t help it this is how she is she might do it again” (after suddenly sleeping with another guy). She too is very kinky.
You’re talking to another adult when you talk to her. If she straight up sais that she is ready for a relationship with you on terms you can live with, than it’s only a matter of trusting her or not.
She knows you gave her your trust. It’s her responsibility to live by her promise. She knows she can’t afford any mistake or the trust will be broken forever.
So it’s a choice, can you invest that complete trust in her and accept that it is in her hands?
Run….dodge those bullets! The problems that will come from that are too many to count
Your title is correct. She’s to kinky for you. It’s not anybody’s fault but the two of you are fundamentally not sexually compatible. Opening up the relationship isn’t going to change that and it’s just going to make you miserable. Your best option is simply to end things and move on. Sorry.
Imo, I think you got it right in the title. You two just don’t really sound particularly well matched and there is nothing wrong with not being kinky or wanting to be in a monogamous relationship.
Is this about open relationships or is she trying to put you in control? It sounds like she wants a Dom to control her and she is “shit testing” you.
If you’ve ever dreamed of having your own little sex slave, I would consider putting a trainin collar on her and begin training her for your enjoyment (do some reading on BDSM, you’ll need to include all the safeword / consents stuff). TELL her she will NOT cheat on you and that she will serve ONLY you and then enforce that. I think you’ll find that is what she is looknig for.
Now, if being a Dom doesn’t sound like fun, then you defintely should not do it.
My bet is you’re dating a female sociopath.
Walk away. Slowly, don’t show fear, and don’t show any hesitation, but break it off and let her ruin someone else’s life.
Do NOT marry someone if you would be “devastated if they cheated on you” and they’re literally saying “I can’t control myself and I might cheat on you”. That’s like walking into a minefield and saying you’d hate to step on a mine… if you don’t have to, don’t do it!
Dude she’s literally telling you that she will probably cheat on you and you’re still like “but maybe she won’t?”
Break~up
Don’t you feel worthless to not be enough in her eyes? She’ll just dump you when she finds what she’s after.
So no let her go and find something new, once a cheater always a cheater
Doesn’t seem like you two are compatible. There’s plenty of people into your preferred relationship model and likewise for her, but ya’ll ain’t gonna last.
she has already told you what she would do. she also told you that she likes being dominated so either dominate her or she will find someone to dominate her. when someone tells you their kink and the consequences, believe them
Hard pass if you’re not comfortable with an open relationship. She told you what she wants and you told her what you want. They don’t seem to align. Probably time to move on.