So my husband (33m) started a new job where he travels and only comes home on weekends and I (33f) work full time and am off every other weekend so that leaves seeing each other roughly 5 times give or take a month. When I do see him he’s very tired and apathetic. I get a big hug hello but that’s it. He mainly drinks beer and chills on the couch with the dog or he will do something work related on the computer.
Some days he will even go to job sites on his days off 😒 I try to spend time with him but it never really amounts to anything because he never seems interested. He’s always “too tired”. I frequent r/deadbedrooms but that’s a different story.
When I bring up our relationship he just says “we’re never together” like it’s an excuse to be disinterested and apathetic. I’m at my whits end. IM BORED. Lonely. And really sad.
I don’t know if divorce is in the cards or to wait until things get better?
3 comments
Have you tried to add more intimacy into the relationship (not just sexually)? If he’s not willing to change or make an effort to increase intimacy, I’d assume he’s given up
You can’t ‘wait until things get better’. You have to be actively engaged in making them better.
Bring it up again. Tell him you are unhappy with how disconnected you feel from him and are not willing to just sit back and let it get worse. Ask him for his input on what can be done to get you guys back on track. Share some of your ideas with him. Then pick a few ways that you are going to focus on, as a couple, to reinforce your connection to each other.
Give it some time, a few months I’d say, for those new habits to take hold and if nothing changes (or the little it does change is lackluster and begrudging) then you’ll have some serious decisions to make.
Unless there is some reason you know of on why his behavior will change for the better in the future, then I think you need to assume this is not going to change – and may only get worse.
With that in mind, it is best to be proactive now, and not wait until you are at your limit and full of resentment, and ready to call it quits. Better to act like you have reached your limit and take appropriate steps – like sit down with him and tell him what you stated here, and that perhaps counseling is needed, etc.
Try to plan some things you will enjoy with him if possible. Maybe some outings with another couple. Maybe plan a weekend away together.
Tell him throughout the week how much you are looking forward to seeing him over the weekend, and spending time with him – so that he understands your expectations. Ask him for a massage, take showers together, cuddle – whatever you think that might help with regaining that feeling of intimacy between both of you.
Hopefully he will start responding in kind and reciprocating affection. There is only so long where you will tolerate having to put in all the effort into the relationship. Good Luck!