I’m really close friends with Anna (23F), we do a lot of more low-key things like watching movies, grabbing coffee and going on walks. The problem is that I know she has people-pleasing tendencies and therefore sometimes acts really keen for things but then, even when given very polite and understanding ways to decline things once I or someone else senses she isn’t that interested, will persist with maintaining that she is until it inconveniences everyone (e.g. planning interstate trips with a group and herself has always fallen through because it’s obvious she doesn’t want to go but gets upset if she’s not invited, so she will stall and string along at the planning phase for weeks to months before backing out).
She also does this with big events at night, I know she doesn’t care much for social drinking but will often agree to staying until a certain reasonable time (like 11) to offer people lifts of her own accord. Even when assured she doesn’t have to she will persist, and then almost always leave at 8-9. Sometimes there will be a plan in a group chat (like ice skating, bar etc) that she says yes to but will message me saying she’s not comfortable going clearly wanting me to say something on her behalf which I’ve started refusing to do. We’re also in quite a close group of three with another (23F) who I’ve been hooking up with on occasion but do nothing physical/teasing with when she’s around- but when she found out she stated it was awkward and uncomfortable to hang in a group and has given the three-dynamic a rest, which disappointed both of us.
I had a chat with her the other day saying that I was finding it hard to plan things around her sometimes and that no one will think less of her if she admits she’s not up to travel, not up to staying late, not up to certain plans as we are all very mixed people, but that constantly saying it’s fine even when given an easy out gets frustrating, especially when I feel like she relies on me to pick up the pieces to protect her. I also said I wish you were a bit clearer with emotions as she gets upset a lot, at not being invited out late, one time at a lunch I noticed she was missing and she was sitting away upset at something wanting me to seek her out and talk to her and that it’s getting hard on me too. She didn’t react an awful lot, but yesterday texted if I wanted to watch a movie. Do I bring it up again, is it something I need to look at in myself? She’s a good friend but it’s becoming tiring for me and some of our mutuals and she pushes some people away. Disclaimer that I’m mildly on the spectrum so this stuff isn’t linear for me but I want to try.
tl;dr good friend inconveniences others by always insisting on plans she doesn’t want, getting upset and distant with certain friends over things that don’t really affect her and often wants me as the support
3 comments
The only expectations you can manage are your own. She has her own expectations, trials and tribulations.
Well, you don’t “need” to do anything. It only matters what you want. You want her to be independent. You want her to be able to feel comfortable around you and others.
She seems to want something she can’t have, that’s why she preoccupies herself with other desires. Eg. maybe she wants a group of friends that share her interests more but is too scared to look for people like that. Maybe she likes someone, but is too scared to ask them out. In the end this loop of making and abandoning plans might only end if she finds out what she really wants and follows that desire. Of course, she might fail, but she’ll feel better afterwards. Because you can always get back on your feet and find new friends or new love. It might take some time but she’ll grow with every experience she makes.
Tell her stuff like that and that you can’t watch her become so dependent on you, because any type of relationship suffers if there is too much dependence.
A good start to enjoy other people is to first stand on your own two feet.
Hm, that’s all i can think of, i guess. Good luck
It would be healthy for you to completely sever your expectations. Make plans as normal that aren’t contingent upon her being there, and if she joins and has a good time, great! If she joins and plays mind games like separating from the group and expecting you to notice how forlorn she is, don’t play them. If she doesn’t join, that’s cool too.