TW:
I’m F25 and I have not had much luck making friends for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been nice, respectful and try to be caring and loyal to my friends. I grew up in a narcissistic home, had friends who played with my emotions for fun or were abusive towards me ever since I was young, and as I got older by friends if I didn’t do what they wanted to the T or got bullied by strangers for no reason even if I keep to myself. I had times where I was popular in a friend group or two but I feel like almost everyone I’ve ever met has tried to use me for sex (only ever try to get with me when I’m wasted which you never expect until the first time you drink around them-I also don’t drink anymore and I’m also not a sexual/lustful person towards others), or as an emotional plaything/outcast to bully. Usually some people make me the butt of the joke, are passive aggressive for no reason, people approaching me and then suddenly doing a 180 and treating me like I’m below them the next day, most people pretend to be my friend just to be doing something slimy in the background. I feel like now I can’t trust anyone. I’ve been told it’s jealousy, because I find it difficult to talk to people, that I have bitch face, I’m intimidating (I’m 5”1 who am I intimidating?), in the past as a goth kid it was because I was “weird”. I’ve even had friends of friends suddenly dislike me out of nowhere after meeting them once and having a great interaction and refuse to give my friends an answer why.
I’ve also had alot of experiences on the complete opposite end with people (stalking, one girl trying to literally become me, exes refuse to be friends if I won’t be with them then bullying me after or making fake accounts to talk to me(multiple people have done this actually), people purposely trying to Sleep with whoever I’m dating, etc.) I have anxiety so I’m super careful about treating people the way I want to be treated but rarely is it genuinely returned if not flat out abused. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I never just meet someone who’s genuine and is in the middle of both of these wildly difficult Ends. Sometimes people from the past apologize to me which is nice but they can never give me a reason either. I can’t even make friends at work because I slowly start to feel them drift away and treat me different or after I thought I’ve made a friend they suddenly pronounce their love to me. I’m not an overly affectionate person either to where I feel like anyone could misinterpret me as flirting. Maybe I’m a bit oblivious to it?
I try to be kind and take on extra To help anytime I can and be there at a drop or a hat when someone needs me. I try to communicate and self reflect to try and stay on the same page with people and honest with myself if I were to ever do anything wrong by someone. I feel like most times no one is honestly communicating back.
When I try to build boundaries or defend myself it normally ends in being gaslit, verbally abused or my boundaries just not being respected. I have a handful of good friends that I love and trust but they are scattered around the states. I just want to make friends and feel like a person again where I can go out and have fun and not worry about these things. I feel like I’ve tried everything. Sorry I know this is long and all over the place but I’m at a loss. Advice? Please be kind and thank you 😭❤️
3 comments
I am helping a girl with the same problem right now. I can give some advice but with out knowing you it will be difficult to understand why people doing that to you. If you want to talk pm. Here is the post that I made of a technique that might help.https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/wvekh6/this_is_very_good_advice_that_i_want_to_share_the/
Sorry for what you been through.The reality is most people suck.I can relate because like you I’ve always been nice,respectful,kind and loyal but never got it in return.I was loyal to friends and never dated any of their ex girlfriends even though some wanted to be with me and I said no.They thought different and try to go after my exes and that’s against man code.People will try to take advantage of you when you’re nice because they think is a weakness.Now to make friends as an adult is not easy.Most friends we have are from childhood or from school.Its hard to make friends as you get older because there’s no history there.Youre best bet is through work or try to join a yoga or dancing class.I don’t know where you’re from but in Los Angeles there’s alot of dance and yoga classes.Try to look for some around you’re area.I to have trust issues but to me that’s a good thing to not let youre guard down. Most people are sneaky and have a I come first and whatever benefits me is best attitude.Dont be so hard on yourself you sound like a wonderful person.Any guy or friends would be lucky to be with someone with youre morals.Wish you the best.Also alot of guys have it hard in the dating game today so if you’re nice to them they automatically think you like them because they hardly get any type of attention from women.
I’m curious if you’ve been evaluated for neurodivergence? I was shocked when I got an autism dx in my 40s but it explains why I felt my whole life why I was speaking a different language than everyone else. I was.
Either way, I might gently suggest looking into trauma therapy. Not talk therapy, trauma therapy. The bottom up process instead of the top down process of talk therapy might help identify and recalibrate your interval compass so you have a better sense of what’s coming at you and it won’t feel like such an ambush. I think if you were raised in a situation where your wants, needs, and boundaries weren’t respected, it’s very hard to know what that even looks like, let alone how to make sure that it happens. I asked about the ND dx because I think we do happen to take people at face value a lot more and have a much more literal relationship with language which can set us up for manipulation or abuse. But either way, I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got, was someone who said that abusive/manipulative people don’t target anyone. They target EVERYONE. The difference is who lets them in, and who lets them stay. It’s really hard tho when you feel like it’s always you, and it’s everywhere which is why I suggested looking into adhd/autism. I’ll attach something I found really helpful in trying to identify what I was bumping into.
I’m really sorry you’re so frustrated. I know it feels endless. Please try to remember that 25 is still so young. You have so much time to unpack and process and find your way to people who will honor and appreciate who you are. In addition to the blog I’ll also suggest looking up Trauma Geek. She’s done a lot of work on trauma and how it impacts the brain and the ways different pieces (neurology, mental health, trauma, etc) intersect and compound each other.
https://neuroclastic.com/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/
https://www.traumageek.com/