I am a 18 (F) who is still in a current relationship with my boyfriend (20) of four years, after finding out he cheated on me. I found out in public. He was on a date with a female co worker of his and have been dating her to close to a month. She apparently had no idea about me. Prior to me finding out, I noticed a change in his attitude. He has expressed to me his feelings of sadness and “not really being here”. So, the whole time of me worrying about him and wanting to be there, he was cheating. Fast forward to the next day, after him being caught, I brought his clothes and belongings back to his home. I was too nice, and I regret being so. He knows exactly what to say to sway me back into his life. I tried, multiple times within the last three to four weeks to be with him. At first, I had to tell him to block the other woman, he couldn’t do it himself and said “he was too lazy” to do so. But he eventually did. This whole relationship used to be built on trust but there’s none left. I constantly feel insecure and anxious, wondering what he’s doing. Why do I keep going back to him? I want to be single but at the same time I have hope. We’ve been with each other from the ages of 14 and 16. He’s all I know.
Edit: I want to first say that I am so grateful and thankful to everyone that has commented under my post. Your wise words, inputs, and past experiences have ultimately helped me gain the confidence to cut this man off. I know for a fact that he’s going to try and persuade me into being with him again, but I’m not doing that. I won’t. My mental health comes first. For once I feel free.
23 comments
Ah to be young. You will grow older and realize you’re wasting time you won’t get back. That’s the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, it messes you up mentally for years, wasting more precious time you won’t get back. Ditch him, get some self-esteem, and go enjoy your youth.
It’s because he’s “all I know” you need to dump this dude, he’s manipulating you. He knows he can cheat on you & you’ll just take him back with no fuss lol this the guy you want ? Why even waste ur time?? You already wasted 4 years..
You need to realize that if he cheated on you, there is always the possibility that he will do it again. The “once a cheater always a cheater” thing doesn’t HAVE to apply in every situation, however if he got a thrill out of the idea of it and knows he can always have you back, that is VERY BAD. You need to set clear boundaries and lay down ground rules for him to understand. I would tell him (if you are determined to make it work) that you care about and love him, and because you do you are willing to overlook him cheating that one time. Tell him that he has to understand you are very serious about him not having anything to do with another woman. That if he is going to be with you, it is NOT ok for him to be spending time with other women alone, at all. You should always be with him if he is going to be with another woman in a setting that is not with other people around. My wife (f31) and I (m41) made this rule very early in our relationship: we don’t have single friends of the opposite sex, period, only friends who are couples. We don’t go out with a couple/hang out with them unless we go together. This decreases the chance of him cheating. If you both know each others friends and hang out together all the time, you know exactly where he is all the time he isn’t with you and what he is doing. Also, I recommend installing “life 360” on both of your cell phones. It tracks the cell phone and you will always know where he is, down to the exact location. Shows the person on a map real-time. You get alerts every time the person who is in your circle on it completes a drive, also. So you will know when he arrives somewhere, to work, wherever. It is a good safety tool too. If he is somewhere you don’t expect, you can confront him about it. Also, I will add that if he is determined to cheat, he can just turn off location on his phone and life360 is bypassed. The key here is honesty. Without you both being completely honest there can be no true serious relationship.
The relationship as never built on trust. He trusted you, because you love him and are a good person. You thought you could trust him, but it was only because you had not yet caught him cheating. Trust is always important to people who cheat, because they can use it to be mock offended that you don’t trust them when you have every right not to.
You will gain so much self empowerment if you leave him. He doesn’t deserve your love and doesn’t even seem to appreciate it. It will hurt of course but not for long. Chances are you’re going to date a lot more people and someone is going to show you just how special you are and deserving of love. You can’t trust him and even if it was something that you can build back up with him, don’t waste your time. He’s going to keep disrespecting your boundaries and it will hurt so so so much more when he betrays your trust again.
I did this with my ex from 18 to 25, cut him lose now, you’ll just waste more of some of the best years of your life. GO TO THE GYM BABY GIRL (YOU WILL PUT LITERAL SEROTONIN IN YOUR BODY.) I never played sports but started working out at 25 because my friend suggested this to me (I ignored her and sat in bed sad for months) finally I tried it and it will just make you happier (chemical reaction). At this time I also promised my self I would focus on me because I was so focused on us before and like went out found new hobbies by just trying anything I thought twice about (cosplaying, scuba diving, traveling certain places) I feel more full than ever and have also found a better relationship (3years after the break up tho). YOU GOT THIS!!!
You’re 18. You need to explore yourself and the world. There are a lot better things and people out there then this bum.
You also keep going back since he’s a comfortbility. That you don’t have to try and get to know someone new. But you are young you’ll learn one way or another. But you need to be firm with your boundaries and what you want
He isnt going to stop cheating. Go find other guys to talk to. That will help
Why at 16 was he even interested in a 14yo? In my opinion you are a victim and this man has been likely manipulating you for years. There’s a reason he isn’t dating people his age
He was not only cheating, he was doing in public and had been long term. He is stringing you along. Listen to yourself, your brain is setting off every alarm bell it can to get you out of there.
I know it’s scary. But you need to get it before you get in any deeper with someone who has no respect for you. Imagine having the nerve to say you’re “too lazy” to cut someone out of your life — while apparently having plenty of energy to date someone on the sly for at least a month.
Relationships are built on trust. The problem is, that piece of shit does not respoct you and you don’t respect yourself. If I was you, I would have slap the bitch out of him and walked off. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. He m8ght have a golden tongue but, you don’t need a loser in your life.
get support from friends and family. tell his parents why you broke up with him. go no contact. it will get easier. think of finally getting rid of that worn out shoe you procrastinated tossing. the new ones are so much more comfortable and you wish you’d switched a long time ago.
To keep it short, ask yourself one question and one question only. Would you be happier staying with your bf or leaving him? Don’t over complicate it. Look at the facts. Write it down if you have to. He cheated on you. He betrayed you. He used your trust and tossed you to the side like scraps off your plate. Do you enjoy being treated like that? People rarely ever change, it takes a lot of time and effort, (and no offense but that dosent sound like it’s up the ally of your bf). Do what makes you happy!
Edit: I just wanted to say that no one can tell you the correct thing to do. You are the only person that knows the correct answer for your situation. Every situation is like that. It helped me in life to know that, I hope it dose for you as well.
Holy shit, too lazy to block her? My sister in Christ, I will break up with him for you. This guy sounds like a dick
If you stay with him he’ll only hurt you again and again because he thinks you’re too easy and doesn’t value your trust and boundaries, you deserve way better
I understand your thoughts completely because I’ve gone through the same thing. He may be all you know now but you will always find more people, better people than him.
You’ll feel empowered and free if you leave him, and you’ll feel a whole lot less anxious. It seems scary now but trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.
You will never find peace if you stay and try to fix things with him because once the trust is gone that’s it, and you’ll always feel uneasy and anxious that he’s doing something behind your back. You deserve better than that.
If there is literally no consequences to his cheating, he will do it again and you will end up in an unhappy relationship with a serial cheater. Is that really what you want for your future? I get it’s hard because he’s all you know but you have so much time to find someone who will treat you better and respect you. Leave him and show him that he can’t treat people like he treats you.
Make it easier by completely blocking him, taking a friend with you to collect anything or drop anything off or just get someone else to do it and cut all contact with him. In a few months time, you’ll wonder why you even accepted his treatment of you. You’ll be okay!
Hey, you deserve so much better. I know he’s you’re first love and it feels like the end of the world. But you’re still so young. I had something similar happen to me. I dated this guy from the age of 16. He would cheat multiple times and I couldn’t let go because he was my first love and I also hoped he’d change. (Also I realised I had abandonment issues) But I was so young, and was depriving myself of so much happiness by being with him. After 4.5 long years of pain and suffering, I finally left him. You’ve been with this guy for 4 years. It seems like a lot but in comparison to the duration of your life, 4 years is nothing. Don’t waste time on him anymore. And maybe consider therapy. Therapy helped me realise why I couldn’t leave my bad relationship, and ultimately helped me get out of it
He is safe. But also he’s a stuck pattern. Most likely he knows that and he’ll keep you there until he finds a better option or you break the pattern.
I know it’s scary, but change is always hard and you deserve better than being constantly cheated on and disrespected. You deserve a relationship you feel safe in.
He said he was too lazy to block her. He doesn’t care. Not about you or your relationship
Been there without the cheating part. Dated a guy for almost 4 years through a very traumatic time. It’s true, you will feel soooo much self-empowerment when you cut ties with someone you know you’re not supposed to be with. Be yourself by yourself. Teach yourself how to love yourself so you can show others how to treat you. You come first♥️🌱🍀
You are so young. 8ts just comfort. Breaking up with him will be fine after a week. Just enjoy your life.
Your still too young, you have still a life enjoy it, live with it, live every moment of it do not settle for second best, there are still many interesting people to meet and places to go minimize the pain and misery. He’s not just you’re first bf to be exact.