My fiancé Jay and I have been together for 3.5 years. We generally have a very loving, mutually supportive relationship with open communication. We both find each other attractive, but Jay has always been more vocal about the things he likes and doesn’t like in terms of fashion, hair, etc. I always try to accommodate his input without losing my own style and opinions. When I’m at home or basically any time I’m not going to work or going out, I don’t put makeup on. I’m confident in my natural skin, but I like to wear minimal makeup in social situations as it makes me feel more put together (my “full face” includes Ilia tinted sunscreen, bronzer, blush, mascara and lip gloss). It’s really not heavy makeup, at least in my opinion.
But tonight Jay got a little drunk out at dinner with some friends, and when we got home he basically told me that he thinks it’s “obvious” when I wear makeup and that I don’t need it and I don’t apply it well, and that he would rather I just not wear any makeup at all. I recognize the compliment that he appreciates my natural beauty, but it still really stung. I cried and told him that it hurt to hear that after I put effort in to look nice, he thinks I look worse – but he refuses to apologize.
I’m out in the car while he’s sleeping now because I’m really upset but this whole thing. I don’t feel like I can wear makeup now without thinking about how he won’t like it. But I also don’t want to never wear makeup, because I like the way I look with it. What can I/we do to move past this or work together on a solution?
TL;DR – my fiancé told me he thinks I look bad with makeup on, but I enjoy wearing (minimal) makeup. I feel hurt and torn between feeling confident in myself and feeling confident in how he sees me. How can we fix this?
36 comments
His change in viewpoint during the past 3.5 years, from when he was dating you and living with you, to his now finding your makeup wearing offensive is clearly both: abusive and controlling imo. Did he propose to you within the past few months?
Perhaps he was more than a little drunk when he said those things. Else, he’s heading in the wrong direction if he’s still planning on you marrying him, hmm? I suggest this is worthy of couples counselling.
This doesn’t sound like a loving partner. This sounds like someone who is controlling and insecure, and chipping away at your self-esteem. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
🙁
You can only accept that you’re wearing it for yourself and not for him. And you should tell him that you don’t care (and letting it be true) what he thinks about it and that it’s actually an asshole move to bother you with it like that. It’s not like you’d put clown makeup on and embarrass him in public. Making you feel bad because for once you’re not altering your style it fits his taste is not what you do to someone you love. You’re his fiancée, not his poodle.
And no, it’s not really a compliment, it’s not even a backhanded one, it’s just a tool to control you but acting as if he’d be the good one and you totally irrational and overly sensitive.
You should not work on a solution. You should wear makeup whenever you want, and he should mind his own business and concentrate on his own appearance. If he doesn’t like it, it’s all on him. Don’t put too much into it. He was drunk. He will probably apologize tomorrow. If he doesn’t, you should have a serious conversation. It’s probably his insecurities talking. It’s easy degrading people when being insecure and drunk.
It depends if you want to be honest with each other or if you want things just to be nice…..it was definitely lacking any tact, but, it’s an opinion not an insult. When he is sober you should let him know how his words and opinions really hurt you and you are not trying to make him change his opinion, but, that he needs to know how you’re feeling. I’ve said tactless things before and sadly more than once, but, I do appreciate knowing because it keeps me aware of how I say my words. I’ve regretted my words before
Well, if he doesn’t like make-up then he shouldn’t use it. And if he thinks you don’t apply it well he can either show his apparently superior technique or shut up.
Yes, you value his opinion but his word is not law. You have the final say in how you go out in to the world and what makes you feel good.
If he doesnt like make up hes free not to wear it himself.
But hes not here to control you and if he does it again please remind him that you are your own person and will do as your please.
First its make up, then clothes, who you can be friends with, etc.
Can men stop commenting on things that are none of their business?
“How can we fix this”
You don’t have to fix anything. You’re 26. Wear what you want. Quit entertaining his opinion of your hair and makeup, this makes him think he’s not doing anything wrong when he talks about your makeup. You’re letting him. Don’t allow that behavior anymore. Tell him your appearance is no longer up for discussion.
Even if you wear a full.beat, it’s not really his business, is it? I’m not sure why you should take his suggestions or preferences when you style and dress yourself because you should do what makes you happy. Is there something wrong with wearing more than minimal makeup in your opinion? Because you keep stressing it’s ‘minimal’. If I were you I’d wear a full glam look (which I love anyway) just to see what kinda reaction I’ll get.
I’ve never been one to wear makeup.
Recently, however, I’ve developed a skin issue (dermographism) that causes my skin to turn red at the slightest pressure. It would be enough to scratch my cheek to leave me with the area red. Obviously, this invites questions and sometimes I just don’t wanna deal, so I started wearing makeup for work and other social events.
My boyfriend doesn’t like makeup. He doesn’t care for it, and he thinks I’m pretty enough without it. Since I started wearing it, he did not say one word against it though. The other day when we went to a wedding, he actually complimented me on it!
He doesn’t like makeup, but since I decided to start wearing it, he’s accepted my choice. This is how it should be.
I had a boyfriend who acted like this. But he would hit me for wearing makeup. He would say I didn’t need it and that I was too beautiful for makeup. I still won’t forget when we were together for about 3 weeks. We were about to leave and I just casually said “Oh I need to do my makeup.” He chased me to the bathroom, pulling on me saying “no” over and over and over. Pulling me so hard from the sink I pushed him because he wouldn’t get off me. My mom had to tell him to leave the bathroom. We broke up and when he tried getting me back I said this
“It’s nice of you to say that I’m too beautiful for makeup. But it’s not up to you if I wear makeup or if I don’t. I don’t wear makeup to look good. I wear it because I enjoy it and it makes me happy. I have been wearing it since I was a young child. You have no right to make those choices for me.”
Now just very kindly tell your husband that you enjoy wearing makeup. And if he’s going to be with you then he needs to respect your wishes. It’s what you enjoy.
I too wear makeup, and I do other things such as perfume and lotion. My current boyfriend says weird things like “Yuck. You don’t need that.” I just say it’s my joy and it ends there.
Don’t stop being you. You enjoy it. I think a long talk could help. Just kindly spill out your feelings. But make it clear you will not be told what to do. He’s not your father.
You should absolutely call him out if he was rude or hurtful. Nobody needs to be insulted in how they look.
But people should also be truthful to each other. Do you want to be able to tell him if a shirt makes him look bad or a haircut doesn’t compliment his face? It should always be done tactfully, but support shouldn’t be blind.
You wear makeup to make yourself more confident, so the point isn’t to cater to his desires. I wear makeup rarely, but when I do it is a fun wild look that I love to do! Some days it is arty fey makeup, the next it make be ultra goth, or full rainbow. I know my spouse is not a black lipstick person, but they still compliment my effort when I put it on, because they know that I like it, so the fact it doesn’t fit their preferred aesthetic doesn’t matter.
Who’s “we?” What did *you* do wrong? Where is *your* obligation to make amends for *his* unprovoked attack?
Not every conflict between two people requires effort from both parties to fix. He is the one who lashed out, he is the one who needs to make amends. If he refuses, you get to have a nice long think about whether you’re comfortable moving forward in a relationship with someone who deliberately and unapologetically makes you feel insecure about your style choices.
I’m really rubbed wrong by your fiancé’s behavior. I know many men think women wear makeup due to insecurity, so while I don’t like the ‘you don’t need it, you’re beautiful without it!’ spiel when it’s unasked for, I can understand it.
I DON’T like that he’s said it’s ‘obvious’ when you wear makeup (duh, it’s… supposed to look different), and I really don’t like that he said you don’t apply it well. Unless he’s a makeup artist… I think that his opinion on that means less than nothing.
I just find the comments mean spirited. He’s already made his feelings on you wearing makeup clear, and it was already unwarranted. To step it up and try to make you feel embarrassed for wearing makeup (which is what comments like this are meant to do), that… there’s not really an excuse for that. Especially when he’s refusing to apologize. Unless he was *very* drunk (which you didn’t say he was), I don’t see how that’s an excuse.
Hey, this isn’t about his liking or disliking your makeup.
Not sure how long you’ve been engaged but note that controlling people will ramp up those behaviors after major milestones like an engagement. The idea is that you’re “locked in” so time to show you how things will be from now on.
Note that he brought this up after you were all out with friends. Hoping to humiliate you, to make you doubt yourself. His hope here is that you make some connection like “did everyone think that?” I assure you they did not. And he’s insinuating that you’re some extension of him and that he was embarrassed. Gross.
You don’t wear much makeup. I’m sure you apply it well. And no, this was not a compliment on your natural beauty. He went out of his way to be unkind.
I’d be direct. “The way you expressed your opinion was deeply unkind. I’m not able to accept that again. I do need an apology to move forward. You hurt me, and the fact that you don’t think I deserve some kindness here is worrisome. I’m not willing to change the minimal makeup I wear. I wear it for me and it’s not an embarrassment to me or you.”
Refusing to apologize for hurting you. Unkind comments. An attempt to make major changes to something you’ve done for years.
Major red flags. Please tread carefully. This is not normal.
Please do not listen to the guy in the comments controlling his girlfriend’s makeup use. A decent partner will not care. You can wear your makeup how you want, for whatever reason you want. If he doesn’t like makeup, he can find someone who doesn’t wear it.
No man should tell a woman how or what makeup to wear. No woman should worry about what makeup men want them to wear. You can take his notes and make adjustments that you fee comfortable with but you don’t owe him anything with regards to what you wear. Change a man before you change yourself.
WEAR WHAT YOU LIKE AND YOU FEEL GOOD IN! This is like the 3rd post I have seen today from women saying that their bf/husband doesn’t like what they wear or how they wear it. Like, they think they actually have any power or say in what you wear on your body. Well they do if you give it to them. Simply tell him that you are not wearing it for him you wear it because you like to so he will have to deal with his feelings about it and that if he doesn’t have anything nice to say…well you know. Don’t let him dull you down. One day you will wake up not even knowing who you are or what you want anymore because your opinion of yourself is so wrapped up in what your husband says/wants. He can have his feelings, but it’s not on you to do anything about them.
I’ve noticed that sometimes insecure men will say they don’t like something if it makes you look more attractive. This may not be the case but it definitely does happen.
The solution is you wear makeup when and how you want and you tell him that while you appreciate his opinion, you’ll continue to wear makeup as you have been.
Honestly, if my make up didn’t look good I would want my BF to tell me.
Even though it’s a minimal number of products, you can definitely apply bronzer and blush poorly where there are harsh unblended lines of deviation, too much product, or unnatural shades of choice of tones. Mascara is another thing where it’s going to look bad if you go too dark or apply heavy handed.
My godmother honestly looked like a clown growing up. Black clumpy eyelashes, magenta cheeks, and god awful contouring.
It doesn’t sound like he has a history of putting you down, so do you really think he’s started now? Otherwise, remind him that you don’t wear makeup everyday and it’s an extra little finishing touch that you enjoy when doing it sometimes. If he’s going to be an asshat about it then he needs to zip his mouth.
Seriously, breaking up or throwing him into the bucket of dicks for a single comment is extreme.
Look I’m all for constructive critisism, but that was just mean… HE would prefer you not wear any because HE thinks you don’t apply it well?? Did you even ask his opinion? He can do his makeup the way he wants to… Sounds more like he doesn’t like you feeling more confident that way. Does he talk about other aspects of your life like that? hobbies or your job maybe? Also is this a “Oh hes just so unaware, talks to his friends this way, everyone just kinda handles him being blunt” situation or does he only talk to YOU like that?
I’ve come across a few men who think they’re being progressive by telling women they don’t like makeup. It’s quite infuriating. They believe it’s just pressure from society to wear it and that they’re freeing women from being oppressed. Guys, just let women do what they want to their own bodies, please, otherwise it’s just another form of oppression.
I learned never to comment on someone’s physical appearance unless it is complimentary.
If you feel good about yourself with makeup then do it for yourself. You are not put here on earth to please men/others.
It is telling that after you told him how much his comment stung that he does not care if you felt hurt. I wonder if he is like that in general, i.e. not caring about how you feel or not taking responsibility for his actions?
> I recognize the compliment
Hmm… no. He’s literally a) trying to control what you do with your body and b) told you you’re bad at makeup and look bad in it.
Stop trying to find positives.
What he did is really not okay. You choose what you wear, how you look. And he supports. He can say “oh wow you are BEAUTIFUL” when he thinks it and if he doesn’t like your makeup he can realise that he needs to keep it to himself unless you specifically ask for some reason.
That’s what a healthy relationship looks like.
My boyfriend told me he doesn’t like makeup and I told him that’s fine, you don’t have to wear it. Ultimately, it’s your body and you can do what you want. In the long wrong, it’s not a big deal and he should get over it. I’m sorry that he hurt your feelings ❤️
I’ve never met a decent guy who is vocally opposed to makeup to the girl they are seeing.. ESPECIALLY, when the girl they are seeing wore it on dates/ out and about before they met them etc. If they want to date someone who is not into fashion trends, makeup, shaving, hair dye, tattoos etc then don’t date someone who dresses themselves up in that way. You don’t get to date someone you think is hot enough though and then try to tear down their self esteem so they start going around completely plain.
There are men out there who think it’s “deep” of them to not like makeup, as if appreciating a woman’s bare face is some sort of revolutionary personality trait that makes them more desirable. These men are always going to be self-involved and see you as an accessory rather than a person who expresses herself and her art on her face like a canvas.
>but Jay has always been more vocal about the things he likes and doesn’t like in terms of fashion, hair, etc. I always try to accommodate his input without losing my own style and opinions.
May I ask why you accomodate his input in your style and opinion? For a date or alone time with him and wanting to do “something nice for him” and look nice for him is one thing of course and I get that. But when you go out with friends or with him and friends or are working or are home, it is entirely up to you and how you feel comfortable. His commentary shouldn’t matter there nor is it appropriate for him to criticize the way you choose to dress yourself/wear your hair/do your makeup unless you actively ask him. You’re doing makeup for yourself and for how you like to style yourself. It is about you and not about what he is into.
If he feels the need to comment your makeup, you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries. Imagine you’d comment on everything he wears everyday. Imagine you’d tell him your favorite colour for clothes is purple. Would he feel the need to only wear purple from now on? Probably not. Should he feel the need to only wear purple? Absolutely not. Would it be nice to wear purple on a special occasion because he knows you like it? Yes. But there are boundaries. You should not feel the need to cater to his preferences in style on an everyday basis. Your style is part of who you are and want to be after all. It’s about you and yourself.
Tell him to get over it.
Lol its YOUR body, YOUR face, and YOU LIKE IT. Tell him to get the fuck over it and be a supportive partner or keep his shitty opinions to himself.
He can’t help feeling how he feels about you wearing makeup, but he also doesn’t have any right to make you feel worse about wearing it or have any say whether you do or not. If it makes you feel good, then wear it.
See what he says when he is sober. Some people say how they really feel when drunk but not everyone does. I know a couple of people who are sometimes just nasty when drinking.
My husband doesn’t really like makeup, particularly bright colors which I find a lot of fun. I wear what I want when I feel like it *but* I also had to learn to deal when I asked how something new looked and all he says is “bright”.
Your makeup is very minimal IMO and a serious conversation is needed. He owes you an apology for sure.
Thank you everyone for your comments! I truly appreciate all the perspectives, but just wanted to clear a few things up —
1. Jay is not interested in controlling me, truly. He never prevents me from doing anything, going anywhere, etc. He does not isolate me or tell me what to do. He’s forthcoming with his opinions all the time, not just to me, and he’s quite good at hearing but then disregarding others’ opinions when they’re irrelevant to his personal choices, so I think he assumes I and others can easily do the same.
2. He was drunker than I thought, and admitted he shouldn’t have drunk so much, and that he doesn’t know why he picked a fight but very much admits he was in the wrong.
We talked this morning and he was very apologetic; he understands that the way he said what he said was unkind and uncalled for, and that he’s interested in talking to a therapist. He came home early from work to bring me food and tell me that he loves me however I choose to present myself, and that it isn’t his place to offer unsolicited opinions; he just wants me to feel confident, so we had a good conversation about how I’ll feel the most confident if he just lets me do me.
It wasn’t a fight worth breaking up over. We all have some work to do, and communication is key. I told him I made this post and he found it, so I think he gets the point and definitely is making the effort to make things right 🙂
I mean, yeah most makeup is obvious. That’s the point to a lot of people. We are not out here doing cat eyeliner and highlight to try and pretend we naturally have glittery cheekbones and point lines on our eyelids lmao.
There doesn’t have to be a “solution” to him not liking something. That’s just his personal opinion he should’ve kept to himself and doesn’t have to be fixed.
There‘s an old saying that goes something like “sober thoughts are drunk’s voice”. He may have been drunk when he said this but it must’ve lingered at the back of his mind. I’d ask him why.