Hello. I 22F have met my boyfriend 25M when I was 18 in a video game platform. We really understood eachother well and had alot of common interests. When he sent me his pictures I was stunned as he looked really good and ontop of that our personalities and interests matched.
We started dating after some time and there has not been one day where we haven’t gone not talking to eachother on discord. He would send alot of pictures of him in the beginning but never wanted to videochat. As he was uncomfortable about it. Maybe we videochatted like 10 times during this whole time. We planned on meeting up sooner but due to the pandemic and him losing many many jobs we never made it. Fast forward to this year I pretty much have my life figured out by now. I earn money even though I’m a student… and he does not.
Disclaimer: It has been an issue in our relationship for quiet some time as he wouldn’t do anything for my previous birthday due to lack of money. But I was just so startled by that because money wasn’t the issue. It was his lack of understanding he could have done something personal for me instead of buying a present. Sometimes he would even ask me to send him money or buy him meals. And I did all of that with no questions asked and never mentioned it again as he is my “partner”. There has even been times I paid his rent. But I thought it was all okay because he’s giving me attention playing games together, talking for hours and watch a movie. More importantly, I’m a hopeless romantic and already planned my whole life out with him. But over time this dream became more and more unrealistic as he’s always losing jobs or dropping out of them or never goes for better job opportunities. He just seems so lazy to me. And bad with his money also. When he actually manages to earn some money he will first buy csgo keys or get takeouts when he could be actually buying ingredients to get meals for a whole week. (There is much more to his lazy broke side but I will stop here)
So.. Fast forward to this year i couldn’t stand not meeting him yet again for this year. So I booked his flight and I paid for it. I booked his hotel and paid for it. I booked tickets to a convention and paid for it. All he had to do was go along with it. But he complained about everything like the leg room not being spacious and for me not booking him the breakfast menu.
Then after alot of complaining and me keeping up with it because I want to see my “handsome” and “perfect” (my Hopeful imagination at that time) boyfriend for the first time he finally arrived. And I was shocked.
I could clearly see its the same person in the few video chats we had and the same person in his selfies but something was wrong. He had a bump on his neck and walked weirdly, his haircut was ridiculous, and he just looked like he was 20 years older than me. It was the biggest glowdown I’ve ever witnessed.
More to his personality in person: he was very distant, awkward, didn’t talk, was on his phone and didn’t make any eye contact at all. He just avoided it.
He also let me pay all of our “first date”.
He didn’t touch me, didn’t kiss me and just walked next to me with a distance of good 2 meters.
(Before any of you think there must be something wrong with me there really isn’t đ„Č I would rate myself a 7/10 and my friends even go for the 10/10. I go out a lot more than I sit in my room and game all day. I go to the gym and look after what I eat. I treat my skin and hair regurlary. And I care alot for my looks. I shop alot with my girls and consider myself having a good style.)
It was just a huge dissapointment because I curled my hair, did fox eyes and even bought a non stick lip tint so I can get kissed alot. But after meeting him and him turning out to be the complete opposite of what I thought he was I’m glad he was too weird to do that. I’d rather take my first kiss to someone who actually wants to provide too in a relationship, who doesn’t live a few countries away and is an extrovert just like me. I want to experience “real love”. Because this relationship just feels more like “bro love”.
I know now I have been naive. For loving someone so blindly without knowing the “real” them. But I still feel so guilty. Because after all his weird behavior he still texted me that he enjoyed it and can’t wait for our next meet up. He’s even going out his way to pay for his next trip and even offered me to buy something I really want and actually planned on buying it myself.
But I don’t want to see him again. I just want to break up. I’m not attracted to him anymore. I was only attracted to the imagination I had of him when he still cared for himself, had an income and was talkative. I don’t want him to spend any money. But after almost 4 years its hard to break up. Especially when I know how crazy he is for me now. And he’s also the one actually calling me up first.
He even says he can’t wait to meet my mom again next year… I just feel so bad and don’t know how to end this. Should I put the entire blame on me or is he also to blame? But I just feel like because I put so much effort in myself I also deserve someone with atleast tiny effort on them. I want to have what my girlfriends have. A supportive boyfriend who shower them with nothing but love and cool memories together. Any advice how I can approach the breakup?
39 comments
Just say the distance is too much and you donât want to do it anymore, and that even though you like him as a person you didnât feel the spark in person that you hoped you did. Donât put the blame on anyone, just say it is what it is.
Just tell him you didn’t feel a strong connection with him and that you think it’s best you both move on to finding someone you’re more compatible with. Or just tell him you really don’t think you can handle being in a long distance relationship. Then block him and move on.
And, honestly, I’m just a bit irritated by how much you had to do for the man. And based on your description, are you even sure he isn’t lying about his age and is a good bit older than he told you? Because that would explain a LOT.
Itâs happened to me. If you donât feel it, you just donât feel it. Rip off the bandaid, tell him itâs not him, itâs you. You realized you donât have those feelings for him, you wish him well but you think it best you cut contact. Then block him. Do not get sucked into pity dating him. Remind yourself of everything you wrote here. Honestly, you werenât feeling it before he showed up.
You deserve a love story, hold out for real thing.
Woof, what an awful situation. Iâm sorry, OP. Take the advice of these commenters and end it. Since he didnât seem to pick up on your vibe, be prepared to block him.
If youâre into true crime, I have a podcast rec that may help inspire you to commit to ending it now.
Thank you for everyone who commented here now. I didn’t know reddit had this effect. I reminded over everything with this post. Realised my misery and dumbness and just ended it.
Me being able to be completely honest about everything like being anonym on here has played a huge part in it. Couldn’t tell any of my friends the whole 100% truth like I could on here.
It doesn’t even hurt. I feel so free right now.
So, you got catfished.
> I could clearly see its the same person in the few video chats we had and the same person in his selfies but something was wrong. He had a bump on his neck and walked weirdly, his haircut was ridiculous, and he just looked like he was 20 years older than me. It was the biggest glowdown I’ve ever witnessed. More to his personality in person: he was very distant, awkward, didn’t talk, was on his phone and didn’t make any eye contact at all. He just avoided it.
Two different things to note here. I’m willing to bet that he used pictures of himself like 10-20 years prior when he was more attractive. If that’s the case what he did wasn’t right and very creepy.
To his personality: is there a chance he’s on the spectrum? I have ASD and there are times I can be distant, awkward, avoid eye contact and I also walk funny as well (as a kid the feeling of the cold floor on my bare feet would cause sensory issues so I walked on my tip toes growing up and never really changed that). But given my struggles to communicate in person, I do a lot better talking to someone via text which is im sure how you guys communicated the majority of the team.
OP you have every right to end things for whatever reason you want. You can tell him the truth (you weren’t attracted to him and feel like you didn’t hit it off) or you can be more gentle and tell him the distance isn’t working for you. Hopefully you meet someone better next time.
Honestly you donât have to give them an explanation, but you could start with the fact that youâre tired of having to support him financially.
I just got out of a mostly online relationship and feel like it’s just a bad idea in general – it’s too easy for the other person to hide things about themselves and act as a completely different person. In my case we met IRL for 4 hours. Drove 12 hours and took a week off of work to go see her and she blocked me on everything the next day, she said she wasn’t ready for an IRL relationship even though we had talked about plans on moving in together.
Just be honest and tell him he’s not the person you thought he was, and that he doesn’t have the capacity to be a good partner to you right now.
I see the red flags here:
1. He’s lazy: can’t keep a job or cook for himself.
2. Bad with money. This is not a good thing in a relationship. It isn’t fair that you paid for his rent and he never even got you a bday gift???
3. He had you pay for the dates! That is uncool. You paid for the flight amd everything.. and he still complains? That is entitled of him.
4. His pics look different then he does? Sounds like he is lying about his age. Maybe he is 10 years older then what he claims.
If you aren’t vibing, its ok to break up. Your first kiss should be really special and meaningful. If you can’t picture doing it with him? You should find someone who can melt you that treats u well
“I’m sorry. We should have done this a long time ago because meeting you for real made me realize that I wasn’t in love with you but with a fantasy of you, an image. I know it will hurt but the moment I saw you I fell down to earth real hard. I don’t love you and I don’t want to continue this fantasy of a relationship. There are to many problems to overcome so I end this now before investing anymore time and emotions in this dream I once had.”
Get it over with. Your boyfriend would have to turn around his whole life to even get close to what you imagined him to be and from what you described I can’t see him getting there.
Also, please please do not give him anymore money for any reason. I’m actually very surprised this didn’t end up as a scammer, although I’m still not so sure.
I read your update and it’s great you were able to end it and feel better now.
However, the whole situation that you put yourself into makes me wonder what were you running from in reality? Why did you choose to “date” the image of a person and illusion of relationship?
You don’t have to answer it here, but did you have any abandonment issues in the past? Maybe father or ex boyfriend?
4 years long distance and youâve never met? Come on, I donât mean this rudely at all but I will never understand anyone who gets into a ârelationshipâ without actually having met the person – for this very reason above!
âBreak upâ with him, and move on. Explain the relationship has run itâs course, and itâs time to move on.
Yuck, this whole tale creeped me out. Iâm glad it ended in a breakup and not a Netflix true crime doco.
I will never understand how people call the person they have never met, their “partner”.
You are considered a 10/10 and you have to resort to LDRs with schlubs you never actually meet in person. Child, please.
You lived a fantasy. Time to wake up.
Anyone who canât maintain employment is a walking warning flagâŠ. That alone is enough to break up over, you hadnât even met him and he was already mooching off you. You can tell him that you are not compatible and itâs not going to work out.
What I get from this is he bummed off of you for a good amount of things. And that physical attraction left chat as soon as he walked in.
Now that he actualy saw you for the first time he’s suddenly saying (not doing) he’s going to start paying for some things. Sounds like he knows he got a catch too good for him. Heck his constant phone usage while he was with you was probably him chatting with his friends about you. Possibly even sending pictures, hence the two meters distance to get great body shots. I’m being serious here, there’s a good possibility this is what happened.
There may not be something wrong with you physically, but putting someone on a pedestal and being a huge romantic without fully knowing someone is a you problemâŠ
Also, many men resort to gaming as a last resort to a struggling life, as opposed to many women who actually enjoy this.
Going forward, donât waste too much time with online people. Iâve recently been told that too – get to know them early on, if they refuse to do video calls, move on. Life is too short to wonder about people who arenât serious about their lives.
>Before any of you think there must be something wrong with me there really isn’t
I mean, aside from the fact that you’ve had a “long distance relationship” with someone you haven’t met for four full years?
EDIT: wait wait, you sent him money too?? enough to pay his rent even?? someone you literally never met?
listen, i’m available if you need a rebound, but i’ve got these student loans that need to be paid off first. can you help me out?
Pen Pal
That was never a relationship.
You wasted 4 years on the fantasy of someone.
Online pen pal. Go out with friends, meet people. Experience life. Dear gods
4 years and you sent him money??? Do you have really low self esteem or something
I had a similar experience with a long distance romance. I loved everything about him, he looked super cute in his photos and was really funny over text. On the phone he had such a nice, charming southern accent. I fell in love. Then I met up with him in person and his vibe and look was sooo different than what I imagined and I wasn’t attracted. He wanted to kiss me but it still felt like I was actually kissing a stranger since we had never seen each other in person.
It’s obvious to me now that real, live person contact is key in getting to know a person overall. I think you fell in love with a version of him in your head that you thought he was, that didn’t really show the whole picture. I would say if you don’t have the feelings that you expected and that spark just isn’t there, why not end it, diplomatically and just tell him honestly the sparks just weren’t there. He will get over it.
Don’t date people you don’t know personally for years. Don’t buy things or send money to people you don’t know personally. Don’t online date people who live in other countries! Those are tops signs of scammers.
And don’t date people that do not work for years.
>he just looked like he was 20 years older than me
Because he most likely is 20 years older, lied about his age, and sent you pictures from when he was in his early 20s or had them photoshopped.
You are so naive! You made up all of this relationship in your head and fantasized way too much. There’s a difference between been into romance and avoiding every red flag and having no standards. You can believe in romance but have your eyes open. And nobody cares if you are a 7/10 or a 10/10. Even if you were a 1/10 you shouldn’t have been in a 4 year relationship with a loser from another country you had never met for 4 years!!!
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>He’s even going out his way to pay for his next trip and even offered me to buy something I really want and actually planned on buying it myself.
He is lying. He is saying that to keep stringing you along and ask you for money in a few months.
People are saying nice things to say to him and how to break up. Honestly? I’d say that he is taking advantage of you. You are paying for everything. And he even sent you either fake photos or old photos. Did you look at his ID to check his age?
bro got catfished
Haven’t you ever watched Catfished? you spent 4 years with a BF whom you never saw in person, touched, kissed, or knew was real. What a waste.
He lied to you, why are you feeling bad about breaking up with him?
Just say hey its been fun, its time to move on. I need a real relationship.
The bump on his neck sounds concerning. I wonder if he has a medical condition that’s impacting his ability to hold a job and just general quality of life. I’m by no means saying you should continue dating him if you don’t want to but medical issues could explain the “glow down”, it sounds like he’s acutely aware that his physical appearance is disappointing: lack of eye contact, distance.
Doesn’t excuse his rude behavior though. Paying for a trip for him is huge and he should have been more grateful.
pro tipp of the week: internet relationships do not count. whatever you agreed on, if you never met someone before you are not commited to anything
This is so absurd that you would be in a relationship with someone for 4 years without meeting them. What is wrong with you? The relationship was doomed from the beginning
All the empty promises and you really think he’s going to pay for the next trip? Please leave.
I have never understood how anyone can consider someone they have never met in person a boyfriend or girlfriend or how talking online counts as dating?
Also the difference between loving someone and loving the idea of someone.
What the actual fuck did I just read
You skipped a few relationship steps and stages. Had you met physically right away he wouldâve failed the smell test. He was just a figment of your imagination. Youâre not really breaking up because you never had a romantic relationship to begin with. You were infatuated with your âpen pallâ. Now youâve seen him for real and realize heâs not the one. Walk away, the sooner the better.
Haha, I was this guy once. In high school I had a sorta relationship with a girl that lived six hours away, we talked on the phone all the time, did video chats, had similar interests, sent nudes to each other and talked about the sexy things we were going to explore with each other. One summer I said “Fuck it!” and I drove all the way down there. The plan was for us to hang out all day, get a hotel room, and just see where things went.
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So I arrive, we meet up, and immediately things are weird. We hug, and she’s super cute, but she immediately starts to criticize aspects of my appearance. Laughs and says “You’ve got a farmers belly!” (I don’t know what she was talking about, I was 5’10 and 170 pounds) takes me to a old navy and showed me a bunch of clothes she thought i’d look better in, then we went to a movie and sat next to each other awkwardly. We get out of the movie and she’s says “I’m worried about you driving home in the dark so you should probably just start driving home now before it starts getting too dark.” So I did. Drove six hours home confused as fuck.
So yea, that was the last time I ever did the “online relationship” thing. Even if you’ve both been up front about your appearance and personalities meeting in person is often a completely different situation.
Sounds like a man child. That’s what you get when you date someone who plays videogames all day and is too lazy to work. You learned a valuable lesson.
This is the saddest shit i’ve read all day
This sucks but you’ve been catfished. Some advice for the future, if someone is always sending pictures but doesn’t want to video chat, there’s your sign that they are catfishing you.