Hello Reddit! I am a long time lurker/commentor making my first post. As such I will try to be as absolute best as I can in terms of this post. I will also be trying to be as fair as possible, and as a general rule, *anything that I mention either of us saying is directly paraphrased*. If needed, I can provide exact words no sweat. This is going to be a long post because I want to be fair and thorough. I was also originally going to post this on a different subreddit but it came out too long and I don’t know how to get around that.
Context:
There is a lot to dive into first. My GF (17f) and I (18M) have been in a relationship for over a year. She is self-admittedly extremely jealous. For example, she does not like me having female friends, being with a woman/girl alone in a room, even if it’s one of our family friends who I barely know, (unless of course it’s someone like a teacher, a mom, or one of her friends. Some other things that might be relevant is that in our discussions about her jealously, I mentioned that I don’t believe she would want me to have friends at all, if it were not for the fact that humans are social animals and friends are all but biologically needed, and she had no objections. And finally, she was very jealous of a girl who I met on a language-exchange app who lives in Japan (I was taking a shot at learning Japanese.) This is not meant to bash her, but rather provide context that jealously is a prevalent and known problem for her. I am trying to do so as fairly as I can.
To quickly summarize the two biggest characters:
Z: A friend I had when I first moved to the area I am currently in, (I moved here halfway through freshman year, and Z is known for being the “first friend” for all new people.) We grew apart completely normally due to lack of real shared interests. GF *hates* Z because I cuddled with her one day while we were still friends (GF had still not moved into the state yet, she did so after me and Z grew apart.) Extra note that doesn’t matter anywhere else, during that time I thought that I was gay, which I clearly wasn’t but at the time I thought I was, long story. I bring it up only because that was the reason that Z was even comfortable with it in the first place, because she knew no feelings were being made.
T: A girl who I had a one-time fling with in middle school when I lived on the east coast (we are now on the west coast). GF’s hatred for T is leaps and bounds above her hatred for Z, due to the fact that we slept together.
About a half year ago or so I helped GF work up the courage to start going to therapy, where, among other irrelevant issues that she has (she is human of course) jealousy was brought up. The therapist said that it was normal feelings and reactions, and a large part of it was due to our relationship, and me not reaffirming our relationship together enough. I do try to, but my patience is admittedly wearing a bit thin as this has been going on since the very start of our relationship over a year ago, and has only gotten worse.
However, the therapist went well for awhile, and GF even said how much better she was doing in terms of jealously, particular about Z and T. And I fully believed her because we had what seemed to be a very long time without any issues. But then during a heated discussion, I brought her issues with T up as an example of past behavior that was relevant to the discussion. Note: It was only about her issues, I did not rub in her face that I was with another person before her. This sent her into a bad moment where she locked herself in a bathroom, scream crying and throwing up. Afterwards, she said she never wanted me to speak her name or talk about her again. I had no real issues with this and agreed under the condition that she also does not bring her up. I did so not because I needed things to be fair/equal, but rather because sometimes T or Z has been brought up almost as a weapon. For example ,I’ve said things like “this might look nice on you” which is met with “yeah I don’t like that, is it something that T/Z wore and that’s why you like it?” Neither of which are true, they neither wore said clothing nor would it be why I would like it on her.
And that’s where things remained until very recently.
The main part:
GF was having a bad moment in her head, particularly about the fact that I have had sex with T. She feels disgusted by it and asked if I regretted it. I said how I don’t care to think about it like that, because it won’t help me in anyway, and what’s done is done. This made her very upset. She called me an awful person and partner, and asked if I don’t regret it because “was it good?” or because I got to “mess around before her.” And asked if it hurting her was not a good enough reason to regret it, to which I then amended my answer to “I have no desire to do it again, and I don’t think it shaped me in a good or bad way. So I don’t wish it happened because it is obviously causing someone I care about grief, therefore causing me grief.” She then responded with “it did impact you, Or at least me in a negative way. Does that not make you regret it? Is hurting me not a good enough reason to regret it?” Afterwards nothing relevant to this post really happened.
This whole situation has made her incredibly sad and depressed since it happened. She has been very upset with me, asking for support because “it was me you made me feel this way.”
TL;DR: My GF with long standing jealously issues is extremely upset that I don’t actively regret having sex with someone in middle school. (Context is very important.)
Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you 🙂
5 comments
Sounds like a nightmare
Should be having more fun and less arguments
>She called me an awful person and partner, and asked if I don’t regret it because “was it good?” or because I got to “mess around before her.” And asked if it hurting her was not a good enough reason to regret it, to which I then amended my answer to “I have no desire to do it again, and I don’t think it shaped me in a good or bad way. So I don’t wish it happened because it is obviously causing someone I care about grief, therefore causing me grief.” She then responded with “it did impact you, Or at least me in a negative way. Does that not make you regret it? Is hurting me not a good enough reason to regret it?”
This relationship ain’t it, chief. Find someone less neurotic and less hung up on your past.
My advice is to run.
This will not get better, it will only get worse.
Someone who wants you to give up all your other friendships for them is trying to isolate you.
She cannot get over something from your past that happened before you even knew each other. Should you have kept yourself locked in a room until she came into your life? It is impossible to know something like that, and yet she’s holding it against you.
I don’t think her therapist is aware of the extent of her jealousy, because this is not healthy for a relationship. She cannot be with you if she is this insecure, because she does not trust you.
She does not trust you to be faithful. She will continue accusing you of harboring feelings for other women. She will act like it is a crime to be attracted to other people.
>”yeah I don’t like that, is it something that T/Z wore and that’s why you like it?”
This is so wild to actually say to someone! This relationship sounds exhausting and I think you would be much happier if you had a partner who supported you spending time with your friends.
>Any advice would be appreciated!
Break up with her and find someone that won’t be so controlling and abusive towards you.
No, seriously. This level of jealousy and how she uses it as a weapon against you on a regular basis is not even in the same universe as a healthy relationship. She is toxic. Period. You can either spend your time on Reddit looking for ways to try to manage the relationship and having them fail again and again or you can leave. My vote is leave.
Yeah, no.
She’s having an unreasonable emotional reaction and he is asking you to fix it, and that’s not how it works.
Honestly, I would just be done with this kind of shit. It’s not worth it. I’m not into a partner trying to carve my friends out of my life, I’m not into controlling jealousy. Just walk away.
When somebody calls you “an awful person and partner” … but still wants to date you, it’s clear that there’s something not quite right, isn’t there? She’s trying to manipulate you. Because if you were really “an awful person and partner” she would have dumped you, right?
Instead she wants you feeling guilty, so you give her what she wants without a fuss. Not worth it.