TLDR: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I proposed that we move in together, he made up various excuses to refuse but he keeps saying that in a few years he will join me. I don’t know what to do, I hate long-distance relationships.
I want to apologize in advance if there are grammatical errors or if it will be a difficult text to read, being that English is not my first language.
I have been in a relationship for three years with my boyfriend. There have been ups and downs, but so far it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. The only problem is that I have a fear that it may remain forever a relationship without a solid foundation, as if it were just dating without ever making progress.
We live in a small town, and from the very beginning we have been seeing each other day by day. Initially we stayed at home a lot, I had to fight for two years with my mother to get permission to sleep at his house even rarely (my mother is very religious). Later I argued with his family, went NC with them, and we preferred to hang out outside the house, also losing intimacy.
Now I am quite struggling because I have to move more than 100 kilometers away from home for studies. It’s an hour and a half away by car, four or five by public transportation since the two towns are very badly connected and the road is very inconvenient. I started planning this move almost a year before, since I already knew I would need it, so I anticipated it to my boyfriend and asked him if he would like to move with me. It would have been a big step, but I thought it would have been beneficial to have our autonomy as a couple, and most importantly I would have had a financial help to support a rent. Since he has never delved into the world of work, I had proposed that he find a job to save money and build a future together.
He initially replied that he wanted to prioritize the driver’s license exam. After he got his driver’s license, he said he also wanted to get his scooter license (which he still doesn’t have nowadays, and he didn’t even sign up for classes). I later asked him for updates on the job situation, and he replied that he was still looking for work. From March to September he worked only 4 consecutive days in August as an extra waiter in a bar. At the beginning of September, I asked him again if he wanted to move in with me, because I had to start looking for housing and get organized. He replied that he had to study and so he would join me in a few years.
Now, to me these are mere justifications. Of course the study is an important reason, but I will explain in what his studies consist of. Last year he enrolled in a private online university of exercise science. The professors let him know a week in advance what exam he will have and what subjects he has to study, and in this week’s time he turns on his computer and watches video lectures. He took 1, maximum 2 exams a week in November, December and January, and then he was stopped all year because they didn’t let him know anything more. For exams he has to go to a location in a nearby town, they last 1 or maximum 2 hours and then he has to wait for the next one. I believe he could have reconciled living with me, working in the new city and taking exams for his studies very well.
Yesterday I argued with my mother about some difficult situations we are experiencing, and he to comfort me said, “Rest assured that in a year’s time I will join you in \*name of town\* “. Today I confronted him asking him to avoid telling me these things because they only make me more nervous. Unfortunately, by nature he is used to saying he always wants to do something, but then never taking action. And over time I have now learned that I cannot trust his words. Having said this he was interdicted and after a while replied, “then I will try to catch up with you in a month.”
You will think, okay aren’t you glad that he took a step toward you? Actually, no, because I have already found a house and arranged to go by myself. If I asked the landlords now, they might decide to stop renting the house to me, or even raise the rental price, and I would have to start the search all over again within a very short time of starting college. Besides, he has a habit of saying one thing and backing out at the last moment, and I can’t risk such a thing. At the same time, if he were to move in after a few months, I would have already paid four times the rent (the current month, the agency fee, and two months’ guarantee that will be returned to me at the end of the year) completely on my own, and he would have a ready and comfortable house waiting for him. Moreover, the landlords may not accept this proposal and could accuse me of subleasing.
My friends and my therapist think he is not ready to take this step. Couldn’t he have just told me instead of making useless promises based on nothing? I am afraid that he will never be able to take his life seriously and that he wants everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship before, and it’s the thing I hate the most. What do you think I should do? Should I deny him to move in with me (I doubt he will propose it), move out on my own, and see how things develop a bit? Is it right to carry on a relationship like this, or is there something else I could do?
2 comments
i personally feel long distance relationships are crazy, unless you see each other a few times per month.
I personally would communicate more openly with him in a friendly, respectful, and honest way. Keep emotions out of it if you can, mainly anger and sadness. I find it best to be cheerful, but that’s me. I attempt to steer clear from people that kill that vibe, yet will attempt to lift others up.
You both are young, and probably dumb.. those are facts. Most males do not want to settle down; I would argue almost never. I feel it does make sense to do so at some point, despite always looking at the other grass. I’m happily married, have been for 5yrs and together for 13yrs. I wouldn’t trade her for any other partner in the world, and would probably avoid committing to one partner if it didn’t work out. One partner (often males) usually wants the other to stay the same, and the other partner (often females) usually wants to mold the other.
Since you’re both young, why not communicate with him about the relationship. Consider bringing up the idea of seeing other people for a few years, and check back in. Committing to someone before seeking out other compatibles, or without getting build up/ pent up out of the system.. is insane to me. I’m my wife’s only partner. I took advantage of being her first regarding her being happy with me. I’ve brought up multiple times earlier on in our relationship that she should be getting to know multiple partners before committing to one. She didn’t want to and doesn’t want to venture out. I had to venture out a few years into our relationship, so we took a break for a while. The plan was to break for 1yr; she got quite upset within a few months and I made the decision to stick with her as I could always venture out later on, but wouldn’t be able to venture back to this special one. I personally looked for someone that I get along with most of the time, barely argue with, can control their emotions, and support each other. Despite our differences, we work well together.
Some of the best advice I was given when I was younger (i’m 40yrs old now) was that “you’re young and you shouldn’t commit to someone early on,” (advice from an older female), and advice that I would go give to myself at 15 if I could go back in time… “have lower standards, and hook up with more people, obviously be safe about it.”
Have fun! Enjoy every moment in life!
Most men have trouble committing; we are really not wired that way. Find an honest one and respectful one. If he is the potential one for you, let him fly for a bit..
I had an agreement with my previous girlfriend that I could venture off, but always be with her. We made this agreement after we broke up. It was great for a few months, then emotions got involved and she couldn’t take it. We decided not to be with each other; I had to venture out. She did want to have my kid though, and I had considered that.. not sure (brain fog) what happened there though cause we didn’t go through with that idea.
[removed]